Updates from awhile back...

[mnguy18]

Man, this is going to be long. I posted a few months back about how im deeply in love with my best friend. We've moved in for college and things have gone smoothly. Our friendship is at an all time high. Was, I mean. Last week, after a night of drinking, as usual, we're having a lot of fun and watching TV, just relaxing. We spend the night talking and at 5 am he decides we should take some shots. I'm pretty trashed at this point, and him even more so. We proceed to take shots and i go outside for a smoke. When I come back, he is in the bathroom so I go to bed, cause its 5:30 in the morning and I'm damn tired. He comes in and lays down next to me and immediately passes out next to me. On my bed. This is where I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I reached my hand into his shorts and felt him for a little bit. He had no idea, he was out. I stop and about 15 minutes later he proceeds to get up, piss on my floor, and crash in his room. The next morning we're talking and he asks me if anything weird happened, because he doesn't remember. This is giant fuck up #2. I told him he asked me to feel him, but I said no and he went to bed. Please don't ask me why I said this, I don't really know myself. To see what his reaction would be like maybe? I don't know. I've been ridden with guilt for over a week and its absolutely killing me. So anyway, three nights ago, we drink again. I'm getting ready for bed and he stumbles into my room. We're both trashed. He said. "If I made you uncomfortable when I said that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. But I'm not going to lie, I've had some dreams about you before, and I'm sure you have about me. I've googled this shit and its apparently normal. You know I'm not gay and I know you're not gay (yeah, right...) but I'm an open person. So we try some stuff for like 10 or 20 minutes. Neither of us finish. He looks at me and says "Its just not for me." He gives me a hug, tells me I'm his best friend, says "Tonight never happened," and goes to bed. This is really eating me inside. It was pure torture to catch a glimpse of what a relationship with him could be like, and it will never happen again. And how I lied to my best fucking friend isn't sitting with me well either. But man, I can't tell him. He keeps telling me I'm being too quiet and distant lately and that I should cheer up. He's completely out it out of his mind. It never happened for him. All he's said about it is "It's only awkward if you make it awkward." My god guys, I don't know what to do or how to handle this. My stomach hurts all o the time.