Please Please gimme some advice..im going mad!

[babyboy]

Hi, Ok first of all I would just like to say im new to this. I have never written or done anything like this before, but i need to talk to someone because theres no-one i can talk 2! I have known all my life that I am gay but have never done anything with another guy but one drunken night and that was it! Im not out at all and NO-ONE suspects a thing because I act very straight. Not to blow my own trumpet but alot of people consider me very good looking, people are always saying i should go into modeling etc (only reason why im telling you this is because this makes people think i must be str8!)- family & friends they think im a player because ive never had a gfriend etc aswel. Anyway im 24 now and to be honest i have never felt like ive missed out on anything but i do get lonley etc and would never go out looking for guys etc as id be too scared!

Anyway here goes my problem, theres this guy at work whose friends with a friend of mine. And for the first time in my WHOLE life ive felt like this for someone! i cannot stop thinking about this man, hes gorgeous, so kind and lovley. hes older than me...but at work i just sit there starring at his every move. I have never had a conversation with him just hello now and again...anyway recently ive gone mad over him...i think about him all day at work, at home, when im about to go sleep! think about us being togother and how happy i would make him - i always get told im the funniest guy out the bunch and always up for a laugh and for once in my life i feel like hes someone who could make me happy as well and i barley know him! When hes around me my heart goes mad, i panic and i think...im in love stupid as it sounds! i dont know what love feels like but never have i felt like this before! Anyway few days ago me and friend went to the pub and he asked for this guy to come as well, i was soo nevous but at the same time so excited and wanted him to have a chance of getting to know me!

He came and we had such a good time, but then he made a comment on gays! which instantly hurt, then he made a few more jokes about gays and this made me feel like crap! but the worst was to come...he then started talking about how he had broken up with his ex who he had been with for years! I felt heartbroken, i knew deep down i knw he wasnt gay but to hear it made it so much worse - anyway like i said we had a great time and then he went. The next day i woke up feeling like so horrible and to the point of even crying - again stupid i know...but i aint seen him since that day but he text my mate and said i was a great guy etc which made me feel good but not good enough. I feel like im never gunna find anyone, and end up getting married to a girl and ruin her life as well...i cant stop thinking about this guy either...please help me...

P.S. Sorry for the essay! Needed to get it all off my chest!!