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I dont understand why I feel this way.
#1
Quite a long one for a first post, I need advice on something that has been happening fairly recently.

I'm a 24 year old gay man. It starts in September 2014, I break up with my boy friend of one and a half years. This doesn't really bother me so much, as the relationship had been breaking down for a while and he was quite neglectful and sometimes treated me like I didn't matter. Mid September after the break up I meet a guy on Grindr. H'es 29 turning 30 soon and I don't normally use Grindr to meet, I use it more as a more and eye candy thing but I see this guy and I decide to meet up with him for sex. He's a nice guy and says he wants to meet again which I can easily see happening as I had fun with him. We meet up several more times in a short space of time, he starts telling me he really likes and before I know it we're dating. I'm a little apprehensive at first but quickly get used to the idea and I'm happy. For the first time ever I genuinely feel happy, someone else makes me happy. Within the space of a few months I fell in real love for the first time in my life, things are going so great.
One day while texting him he's replying with cold, distant answers. I'm confused so ask him what's wrong. He tells me he sees no future for us, mainly because I wasn't out at the time. I was scared and not willing to come out just yet and so he ended it. It was so out of the blue and it hurt so much. We stopped talking for a while and then a few month pass by and he got back in touch with me, initially asking for sex and then asking for us to talk as he thinks he made a mistake. I'm cautiously optimistic until he tells me he loves me and then I'm ecstatic about the whole thing. He says he wants to take it slow though and he asks me to be more open about him and with myself, I agree but tell him it will take time.
We end up having the most mind blowing sex after and I go home. I tell my family that I am gay, but I don't tell him that I have told them. Over the next few days I text him to see how he is and all I get is the same cold replies, I decide that I might be smothering him so I give him a week for us both to collect ourselves. I text him after a week to see how he's doing and the same cold and disinterested replies. I give him another week. Then I asked him if he wanted to go on a date with me... I don't even get a reply to that.
My heart is broken once again and I feel like such a fool for even trying.
Fast forward a few more months and one very early morning before work I get a simple Hi on Grindr from him. Against my better judgement I say hello back but got no reply in return, that afternoon after work I'm on my way into town to run an errand and I see him holding hands with another guy walking down the street. This time its not just sadness that I feel its intense anger.
Another few months pass by... He messages me asking for "horny fun." I tell him I know he has a boyfriend and not to break the poor boys heart. He says to me "he won't know, he's in work" I ask him did he do this behind my back and he tells me no, anyway I say no I wont meet him for sex and the conversation goes round to how it was good it was when we were together. It makes me feel so envious. Few days later I saw him at Pride. My first one. I went alone as I have few friends and none who would ever come with me to that. The guy hugs me and proceeds to talk to me as if nothing happened a few days ago points me in the direction of best places to go around pride. As I walk away after the conversation, I look back to see him hugging his boyfriend. Once again my heart breaks. I feel so so awful and so low. Its been 4 days since Pride, and I cant get him out of my head and everyday I keep feeling worse and worse. I feel constantly sick.

I did love him and still do clearly, what is wrong with me? All I want is him. As I write this my chest hurts and I feel sick.

In regards to this post, I just want thoughts on this from an outsiders perspective. What do you think?
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Messages In This Thread
I dont understand why I feel this way. - by spiral - 08-20-2015, 01:06 AM
I dont understand why I feel this way. - by Pcolakuntryboy - 08-22-2015, 03:48 PM
I dont understand why I feel this way. - by Darius - 08-22-2015, 04:42 PM
I dont understand why I feel this way. - by East - 08-22-2015, 07:15 PM
I dont understand why I feel this way. - by Anocxu - 08-23-2015, 12:10 AM
I dont understand why I feel this way. - by Anocxu - 08-23-2015, 12:12 AM
I dont understand why I feel this way. - by Biki1992 - 09-07-2015, 06:49 PM

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