9 year relationship, partner 'cheated' again. Leave or open relationship?

[johndoe76]

I understand that a relationship of 9 years is not something you want to dispose of lightly. As you can see, I have a similar thread regarding my similar issues. First thing that stands out from this post is that he went to a gay sauna, so it's apparent he is looking for sex and not to replace you emotionally. You mention this has happened in the past and you two went to counseling. What did the counselor equip you two with to deal with this going forward? Certainly, something like sexual desire can't be stuffed in a box and assumed never to surface again. And that box had opened once when he first stepped out of the relationship for sex. In my situation, it was the fact my husband was chronically lying (dozens and dozens of partners behind my back for years while I was working). Lying is the real killer for me because it leaves the other partner feeling betrayed, tricked, left out, and if I am honest--jealous. While it seemed "wrong," I was secretly jealous that I was monogamous when I could have participated in various sexual experiences too after the discovery of his outside sexual encounters. I realize my husband was probably lying out of fear of how I would react (i.e. leaving) if he would have just admitted to wanting an open relationship. However, regardless of the "good" intentions people have, that doesn't take away the negative effects of the lies when discovered. In addition to the emotional disruption and rift lies cause is the risk of STIs, which I did end up contracting from my partner, which was the initial time all this came out but fortunately it was treatable.

I can definitely understand your feelings of being torn and wondering whether you should stay or go, but I think the answer is going to have to be on whether you're able to process this and move past it. Unfortunately, for me, I am not able to and my husband and I are moving toward divorce very soon because after everything, I agreed to an open relationship provided we're open with each other going forward (meaning letting one another know before anything outside the relationship happens), well, that didn't work out either--just more lies. So that leaves me in an ethical lurch...what would the long term effects on my health be if I know I am allowing someone to lie? I am all about leaving the past in the past and moving forward, but that also means that the old habits (lying) need to be left behind too; if it all continues, we haven't reached a true understanding. I definitely think it's great when couples can work through these issues and come to a situation that works, but it does require honesty; and situations like this can even lead to a greater degree of honesty and a stronger relationship.

Thanks for all the responses - it's been really helpful. We have ended up agreeing to give things a chance, and trying to make sure the communication we've started because of this carries on.