07-20-2016, 04:17 AM
First off, hello, thank you for at least reading this post. If I make it too long please stick around for a TL;DR at the end. I would greatly appreciate it.
I am a 24 year old male, I just recently moved from California to Maryland for my boyfriend of a year and a half. We had met in school, went through some classes together before we realized we loved each other. Soon, he moved from California to Maryland to be closer to family as he had no contacts or relations outside of me in Cali. I spent the better part of 5 months finishing my final semester in California before I decided to move to Maryland to be closer with him, since we had remained in contact and I constantly traveled out to see him in Maryland.
He is only 19, was 18 when I met him, and though his age does give him the sense of immaturity in certain situations, he is more mature than I am in aspects. We have so far spent 2 months of this summer together, me looking for work and him going to his part-time. I have been also working at a retail store as I wait for an offer to finalize with a company here in Maryland. So while we spend sometime away from each other it is more likely that we are together most of the day. He is anti-social in some senses, he really has a hard time in public venues and that is mainly due to his father and how he basically was forced to confine who he was. His father is a red-neck, racist homophobic. He told Nick he never accepted who he was but in the end he still loves Nick. This forced Nick to basically shelter himself.
I on the other hand have had similar experiences where I have repressed who I am to my family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother abused opiates and alcohol, though we have both been out since 16. I tend to have a more 'avoiders' mentality' in the sense that I crave admiration from those I love but fear being abandoned again. I have worked really hard to quiet my thoughts with therapy after my previous relationship with a bi-sexual man ended with him marrying the woman he had engaged from his art class(Arts college) after 4 years of dating me. Since then I have had a hard time trusting love.
These two personalities are really not well meshed, Nick is an avoider in the sense he doesn't want to be 'trapped' or feel like he doesn't have himself. He wants friends but is too afraid of rejection and thoughts to make an attempt. I love him all the same, I find that once he gets past his fears he can be really tender and nice. I want him to have friends and I never worry about the possibilities of such friends but I know Nick can be influenced to do things to fit in.
I have a need for emotional availability, I love to just have nice things said to me once in a while through the week. Something as little as 'I care about you deeply' would make me feel so accomplished and cared for but he has a hard time expressing these emotions. He does say he loves me but it is rarely he begins the conversation, typically I say I love you to him and he retorts. He has even already began to talk hypotheticals where we're just friends. Insisting he wants me to remain close to him no mater the outcome of our romantic endeavors. This alone plants seeds of doubt in a avoiders mind, I do not think in hypotheticals but I do think in what-if's. The what-if's are he is going to break up with me.
I cannot say everyday is bad but there are days where it is miserable. Such as when I attempt to make a statement that spending 8 hours on the computer when I have made offers to come up stairs and watch a movie and eat a nice dinner with me are ignored. I told him it makes me sad that he cannot at least answer me and in turn he beats himself up and grows more distant. This particular situation happened last evening and instead of him at least communicating how he felt he acted as if though I was punishing him or making him do something other than what he wanted (simply saying okay with saddened features in his expressions) when in reality I was just communicating my feelings. I have given him this entire week/end to do what he wants basically to himself. Even after this situation, once things were calmed he grew angry and annoyed with me. Instead of holding a grudge I apologized, I took the blame hoping he would calm and show some love when we took a nap. Instead he just rolled closer to the edge, not holding me or even talking to me. Any attempt at showing affections were ignored.
Sex has been off and on too, he refuses to do anything with me unless he is in the mood, if I so much as try to show an interest in sex he says it makes him uncomfortable. That making advancements when he is just trying to talk or snuggle makes him feel less loved and more used. Yet when he is in the mood and I feel as though I am too tired or sore he will instantly begin to grow cold and angry. This isn't a 100% thing but it does happen sometimes and worries me. Most the time I am happy to oblige and give him what he wants even if not in the mood. I just wish sometimes he could see it in at 180*. Seeing I am not unloving or uncaring but I am simply trying to have passionate, spontaneous sex with my boyfriend. I have since mellowed my advances.
In the end I have really felt emotionally drained. I have poured so much into trying in this relationship I am afraid for the results. I know I can work on the small things but I need to know how to get to someone who is emotionally distant and afraid to allow people in. I do not want to lose him, I love him too much to do so. I know I am not perfect in any means, I am sure there are times I bug the hell out of him or I unintentionally hurt him. I know this because I am human, I want information to better help US. Not just change him, I know I can change too to make things work.
TL;DR - I have moved to another state for a boyfriend who obviously has some issues to work out, it plays against my own issues and I need advice on how to handle that situation when communication is just not working. Please, anything constructive would greatly be appreciated. I want to learn how to communicate better.
I am a 24 year old male, I just recently moved from California to Maryland for my boyfriend of a year and a half. We had met in school, went through some classes together before we realized we loved each other. Soon, he moved from California to Maryland to be closer to family as he had no contacts or relations outside of me in Cali. I spent the better part of 5 months finishing my final semester in California before I decided to move to Maryland to be closer with him, since we had remained in contact and I constantly traveled out to see him in Maryland.
He is only 19, was 18 when I met him, and though his age does give him the sense of immaturity in certain situations, he is more mature than I am in aspects. We have so far spent 2 months of this summer together, me looking for work and him going to his part-time. I have been also working at a retail store as I wait for an offer to finalize with a company here in Maryland. So while we spend sometime away from each other it is more likely that we are together most of the day. He is anti-social in some senses, he really has a hard time in public venues and that is mainly due to his father and how he basically was forced to confine who he was. His father is a red-neck, racist homophobic. He told Nick he never accepted who he was but in the end he still loves Nick. This forced Nick to basically shelter himself.
I on the other hand have had similar experiences where I have repressed who I am to my family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother abused opiates and alcohol, though we have both been out since 16. I tend to have a more 'avoiders' mentality' in the sense that I crave admiration from those I love but fear being abandoned again. I have worked really hard to quiet my thoughts with therapy after my previous relationship with a bi-sexual man ended with him marrying the woman he had engaged from his art class(Arts college) after 4 years of dating me. Since then I have had a hard time trusting love.
These two personalities are really not well meshed, Nick is an avoider in the sense he doesn't want to be 'trapped' or feel like he doesn't have himself. He wants friends but is too afraid of rejection and thoughts to make an attempt. I love him all the same, I find that once he gets past his fears he can be really tender and nice. I want him to have friends and I never worry about the possibilities of such friends but I know Nick can be influenced to do things to fit in.
I have a need for emotional availability, I love to just have nice things said to me once in a while through the week. Something as little as 'I care about you deeply' would make me feel so accomplished and cared for but he has a hard time expressing these emotions. He does say he loves me but it is rarely he begins the conversation, typically I say I love you to him and he retorts. He has even already began to talk hypotheticals where we're just friends. Insisting he wants me to remain close to him no mater the outcome of our romantic endeavors. This alone plants seeds of doubt in a avoiders mind, I do not think in hypotheticals but I do think in what-if's. The what-if's are he is going to break up with me.
I cannot say everyday is bad but there are days where it is miserable. Such as when I attempt to make a statement that spending 8 hours on the computer when I have made offers to come up stairs and watch a movie and eat a nice dinner with me are ignored. I told him it makes me sad that he cannot at least answer me and in turn he beats himself up and grows more distant. This particular situation happened last evening and instead of him at least communicating how he felt he acted as if though I was punishing him or making him do something other than what he wanted (simply saying okay with saddened features in his expressions) when in reality I was just communicating my feelings. I have given him this entire week/end to do what he wants basically to himself. Even after this situation, once things were calmed he grew angry and annoyed with me. Instead of holding a grudge I apologized, I took the blame hoping he would calm and show some love when we took a nap. Instead he just rolled closer to the edge, not holding me or even talking to me. Any attempt at showing affections were ignored.
Sex has been off and on too, he refuses to do anything with me unless he is in the mood, if I so much as try to show an interest in sex he says it makes him uncomfortable. That making advancements when he is just trying to talk or snuggle makes him feel less loved and more used. Yet when he is in the mood and I feel as though I am too tired or sore he will instantly begin to grow cold and angry. This isn't a 100% thing but it does happen sometimes and worries me. Most the time I am happy to oblige and give him what he wants even if not in the mood. I just wish sometimes he could see it in at 180*. Seeing I am not unloving or uncaring but I am simply trying to have passionate, spontaneous sex with my boyfriend. I have since mellowed my advances.
In the end I have really felt emotionally drained. I have poured so much into trying in this relationship I am afraid for the results. I know I can work on the small things but I need to know how to get to someone who is emotionally distant and afraid to allow people in. I do not want to lose him, I love him too much to do so. I know I am not perfect in any means, I am sure there are times I bug the hell out of him or I unintentionally hurt him. I know this because I am human, I want information to better help US. Not just change him, I know I can change too to make things work.
TL;DR - I have moved to another state for a boyfriend who obviously has some issues to work out, it plays against my own issues and I need advice on how to handle that situation when communication is just not working. Please, anything constructive would greatly be appreciated. I want to learn how to communicate better.
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