Sexuality and Settling Down

[InbetweenDreams]

I have been one to see sexuality to be more of a spectrum of things rather than it be something set in stone. I find it a bit troubling at times. I would have to conclude that I would seem to be closer to being bisexual than say totally gay. But here's the thing I default to guys, but that is also because that's mostly what I know. I haven't dated a girl since I was just out of high school and even then I was still figuring things out. I think I am the type of person who finds almost no one sexually attractive. Had an interesting conversation with someone while I was on vacation about that and truthfully I find that I don't see guys or girls who most would say were attractive as being attractive...I guess I have a peculiar taste in people. So I think when it boils down to it I'm probably closer to 50/50.

The problem is that I haven't dated a girl in forever and most that would be in my age area are either married, have kids and divoriced or have some kind of hang up like don't want kids, etc. Plus I would trend to think that dating girls will be much different and a bit of a curve for me and my introverted self. So, one of the questions is whether or not I am barking up the wrong tree...I may have even touched on this issue a bit in the past.

The problems I face is that being gay there seem to be more hang ups, but I suppose that is simply a fact of life and not limited to gay dating. But one thing is for sure and this area is to blame mostly is that there aren't as many fish in the sea. Plus I am stuck with the whole do I move or not move, where do I move to if I were to move? Do I move closer to my sister near the coast? Or should a move what ought to be a more socially accepting area? I thought about Colorado...but who knows. I thought about making another thread about that. It would be years most likely before I can even think about moving anywhere.

Anyway getting back to the point. I think having kids is nice, I definitely see that it is a huge undertaking and I have yet to even come close to getting in a relationship serious enough to even bring that up, or make it a realistic goal. I haven't got to a point where I'm living with a partner...so perhaps it is the area. The other thing I find is that all the gay guys leave the area or are in college and have other things that take precedence over dating...which makes sense. Got to have your duckies in a row before you wrap yourself up into something else and perhaps that's what I should have been working on in the first place rather than buying sports cars and all that other crap.

I do try to tell myself that it isn't too late...but is it? I mean going from dating guys to dating girls with the intent on settling down and all that jazz isn't exactly like flipping a switch or pulling off a band-aid. However I do feel that because of my sexuality it would have to come to light if I were to actually get into a relationship with a woman, I mean I don't feel good about hiding all that. So at any rate probably rules out a lot of women.

The thing I noticed about a good number of women in this area I'm in is that a lot of them are Jesus freaks. I mean it is all good that someone goes to church and all that but if you have to put "I love Jesus" on your profile on a dating app I think that it's a hint of crazy if you ask me. I'm not about that and I'm not religious. I believe in God but that's about as far as I can get and feel comfortable about it, I don't really regard myself as a Christian at this point....I just haven't got there. Not going to dive into a bunch of detail on that.

The sexual part seems to feel like a major hurdle on the gay side of things. I kind of regard myself as a top but then there are guys who want to reverse roles and I've yet to have been with a partner who can actually take the time with me so that I could bottom. It probably isn't my cup of tea honestly. I've tried a few times years ago and pretty much hated it, but the two guys who tried topping me were more about having an orgasm and got impatient... So I pretty much stuck to topping and I'm more dominant anyway. I tend to be more attracted to smaller, slimmer guys with some exceptions. With women tend to be the same for the most part. However, society will have you look at women who are practically anorexic with huge boobs...or a disproportionally big ass...and that's not my cup of tea...

Aside from all the sexuality crap. Trying to find someone I can tolerate and relate to...and vice versa has been more of a challenge than anything. It's not that I am hard to get along with but I've had too much time to myself and I think that can lead to making things difficult trying to share things with other people... But as much wisdom someone can gain by just having good sense and so forth, experience is worth far more. There's just lack of people to date here...period. I think that is probably the big problem and I'm certainly not going to pay for some online dating service. I'm not saying it isn't possible to find someone on some dating app but it certainly has a bad track record. There really isn't any real "dating" apps for gay guys, pretty much everyone uses them as sex apps and they are all geared to be used as such and not so much for dating. I think it is largely how men in general are wired and I'm not saying I'm some kind of exception because I am not.

Anyway, hopefully that all made some sense and not just some incoherent rambling. I just don't see sexuality as being black and white and I think most people would agree. I also feel that one should be able to decide what they want to do and I realize most gay guys are gay and don't see it as a choice, but for guys who are more down the middle might be able to choose, that or live a life of conflict on who they are...I suppose that happens a lot as well and I feel like I could easily fall into that tug of war with myself. However, society lags behind everything, I imagine a lot of women are uncomfortable with a guy who has dated guys and might very well be put off or just find it repulsive... or a whole host of other possibilities.