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I don't understand all this hate / Vent
#1
I haven't posted anything lately, however many things are going on in my life now. The girl that offered to act as my girlfriend is a good friend to me now. She's a really wonderful person, when I asked her why she wanted to help me to hide the fact that I'm gay, she answered that she just wanted to be there for me so that I wouldn't feel like no one likes me, even though she's straight herself, she loves LGBT people and she understands how hard it is for me to be alone in this homophobic city. We hang out together as friends and only when we're around my friends, we act a little more physical so that they would think we're a couple. And it seems to be working. No one bugs me with questions about being single anymore. Everything seems to be more peaceful now when I have her by my side.

But there is this one guy among my friends and I always have a feeling that he can see right through me. That he can see who I really am. I don't know why but I get this feeling only about him alone. I'm not worried about other guys and girls among my friends, I'm quite sure they believe the show that we're putting on. He seems to believe too, but somehow I feel uneasy about him for some reason. I think I mentioned him in some of my previous posts, we know each other since we were little children, he's literary the biggest homophobe I've ever met. And I'm scared. Whenever it comes to this topic, his comments about what he'd like to do to gay people make my blood go cold. We had this talk the other day, we met for a beer.

He - So how are things going with your girlfriend? Haven't seen you in a while.

Me - Yeah, everything's really good.

He - I'm glad you're happy, dude. For a moment I thought I've lost you.

Me - What do you mean?

He - Well, I thought you were a fag, because you were single all the time. That would end our friendship.

Me - You mean you'd stop being friends with me if I was gay?

He - Surely. There are no fags among my friends, only real men.

That upset me a lot. It wouldn't matter to him that we've known each other from the crib basically. He would just throw it all away just because of my sexuality. So I asked him a direct question - Why do you hate gay people so much?

He - Why should I love them? They're subhuman, dude. Should be all thrown into an oven and burned. Remember Stalin? He shot them dead, one of the things he did right. Let's not talk about that gay shit anymore, makes me nauseous.

I felt all kinds of emotions - anger, fear, sadness. In some way I felt nauseous too - from his judgmental words. He is supposed to be my closest friend and he says such things. I wonder what he'd do if he found out I'm gay. Would he hit me? Would he really beat me up, me, the person he grew up together with? Probably he would. And the thing is that about 90% of Russian guys are just like him. And I don't understand that. What have gay people done to them that they hate them through and through? How can you hate someone just for existing, someone who has done nothing to you? How can you be so cruel towards another human being, someone who has a beating heart just like you, someone who breathes and lives in this world just like you?

Living in this shit is so difficult, you feel like a trapped animal day from day. Now I do have this girl who makes my days better and brings sunshine into my life. I know she's only buying me time but it feels good to know I'm not alone anymore. I can'r rely on my friends, I can at least rely on her.
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Messages In This Thread
I don't understand all this hate / Vent - by cormeum - 06-03-2017, 07:58 PM
I don't understand all this hate / Vent - by MHJG - 06-03-2017, 10:23 PM
I don't understand all this hate / Vent - by Senpaija - 06-05-2017, 11:39 PM
I don't understand all this hate / Vent - by Darius - 06-06-2017, 06:24 AM

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