06-13-2017, 09:51 PM
Hey everyone. I'm new here but kind of looking for advice on a new but difficult situation for myself. A little introduction: Im 32, Male, bi - and only started coming out to my close friends and family yesterday. In the past I have experimented a bit, but only have dated girls - but even that has been a while due to graduating school / other life stressors. So Im definitely new to the new age dating scene in general.
6 weeks ago I went on a trip with a big group of friends and acquaintances. One of the guys that came along on the trip came out as gay to everyone and we really just hit it off as friends. Everyone was really supportive, but I was not out yet. After the trip our friendship grew and a few days after returning from the trip I came out to him as bi. We ended up fooling around a bit and started hanging out a few times a week. I told him I was pretty into him in Vegas and had a pretty strong attraction towards him and he echoed the same back to me. We went on a date to supper and a local play a few friends of mine were in and it went great - he grabbed my hand during the show and we really clicked. On the way back to my place after he hit me with the classic - "this is going great but Im not looking for a relationship - I just want to make that clear". I was a little upset as usually that means "Im not looking for a relationship with you", but he more played it off as that he was recently out and wanted to date around and wasn't ready to settle down etc. I decided I was fine with that as I didnt have strong feelings yet and I kind of wanted to explore a bit too. Over the next three weeks we kept seeing each other. We slept together for the first time and fooled around a couple times a week. But other times we would grout for dinner or just hang out with friends than head back to my place and hold hands and make out, have a drink and talk about life. He was kind of hot and cold the whole time with texting, but it was going well overall. Nothing too heated but we were both having fun and physically into each other. Last week I went on a trip for 5 days and we hung out the night before. I had a girl that was interested in me coming on the trip and I wanted to clear the air before I left that I wouldnt be hooking up with anyone else even though we were not exclusive. He stated that he kind of saw us as friends with benefits with little more at that point (which I still have no real idea of what that means). So I kind of just realized that this was a more casual arrangement but I was starting to have some feelings as things were starting to feel pretty date like. We never just hooked up. He nicknamed me, held my hand, looked long into my eyes and we would make out and talk for hours without having sex more than half of the nights. We would go out on supper dates alone and he would hold my hand when we walked down the street at times. I decided to kind of let it be and cool off a bit and re-evaluate things when I got back from vacation this week.
Since getting back things heated up a lot. We hung out everyday - Half of those dates initiated by him. We slept together once, the other rights just cuddling and holding hands while watching a movie or swimming in my pool. We went out on another dinner date alone together before meeting friends after. He started ending nightly text messages with XoXo and changed my nickname to "Mr hot". He started telling friends he was seeing someone but didn't name me as I was not out.
Two nights ago I met at a friends birthday party and when I showed up he was quite intoxicated - He was all over me to the point where friends started questioning it. He then accidentally let it slip in front of everyone that "I was his man" and that he wanted to kiss me half outing me to all of my friends. He sobered up a bit and stayed the night at my place - and when I walked into my kitchen to grab some food in the morning he was finishing drawing my name in a heart on my whiteboard. I drove him home and on the way he asked if I wanted to help him pick out guys on Tinder which obviously pissed me off a bit - Was this him freaking out and trying to distance things because he realized things were getting more serious? We went out for a drink that night and I just kind of wanted to clear the air and see where we both were. He simply stated that nothing had changed and that we were still friends with benefits with a bit more, despite saying that we were seeing each other a few days earlier. I flat out asked hm if he had feelings for me and he more said he wasn't sure.
I broke stuff off and basically told him to figure out what he wanted. He didn't seem too sad or bothered but Im pretty wrecked over this. Im just coming out, this was my first male dating experience, and it was so hot ad cold and confusing. He texted me today and apologized saying that he is having trouble putting his feelings into words and that he doesn't know what feelings he has above being friends and apologized for leading me on, but wants to still move forward potentially. We have so many mutual close friends that I don't want to make things awkward.
Im not ready for a relationship and this is all so new to both of us, but I can't figure out if I was being used or if he is just confused.
I decided to just come clean and start telling people yesterday and started telling my family today.
Any advice as to what to do? I really like this guy and would love for this to work out as the dates and physical part of it is wonderful, I just don't like the hot and cold aspect.
I can't figure out if he's just confused or actually has no feelings. he's known to be an extremely nice guy and we have had close mutual friends that have told me he is one of the most genuine people they have ever met so I don't think he is innately an asshole. He's a bit younger than me (25) so is he just immature? I find it hard to believe someone could sleep with someone, put their name into some while driving, give then a sweet nickname, hold hands, spend nights cuddling and making out ass with no feelings over 6 weeks. Especially how he had been telling people that he was seeing me and the public displays of affection if front of our friends. He kind of wrote it off as "doing what felt right in the moment", but is he just scared that he starting to feel something and is now trying to cool stuff off as he is afraid or not ready for this to grow into something more?
Either way, I broke stuff off and said that while we can remain friends, that he needs to figure himself out and that we can be friends only until he figures out what he wants. Im so confused as to what this is or was.
It felt very much like an open relationship and we never just hooked up. I don't see that as friends with benefits "with more" at all. Not that labels matter but I see things more and non exclusively seeing each other.
Thanks so much for any outside insight or advice! Im so hurt and confused and lost to be honest...
6 weeks ago I went on a trip with a big group of friends and acquaintances. One of the guys that came along on the trip came out as gay to everyone and we really just hit it off as friends. Everyone was really supportive, but I was not out yet. After the trip our friendship grew and a few days after returning from the trip I came out to him as bi. We ended up fooling around a bit and started hanging out a few times a week. I told him I was pretty into him in Vegas and had a pretty strong attraction towards him and he echoed the same back to me. We went on a date to supper and a local play a few friends of mine were in and it went great - he grabbed my hand during the show and we really clicked. On the way back to my place after he hit me with the classic - "this is going great but Im not looking for a relationship - I just want to make that clear". I was a little upset as usually that means "Im not looking for a relationship with you", but he more played it off as that he was recently out and wanted to date around and wasn't ready to settle down etc. I decided I was fine with that as I didnt have strong feelings yet and I kind of wanted to explore a bit too. Over the next three weeks we kept seeing each other. We slept together for the first time and fooled around a couple times a week. But other times we would grout for dinner or just hang out with friends than head back to my place and hold hands and make out, have a drink and talk about life. He was kind of hot and cold the whole time with texting, but it was going well overall. Nothing too heated but we were both having fun and physically into each other. Last week I went on a trip for 5 days and we hung out the night before. I had a girl that was interested in me coming on the trip and I wanted to clear the air before I left that I wouldnt be hooking up with anyone else even though we were not exclusive. He stated that he kind of saw us as friends with benefits with little more at that point (which I still have no real idea of what that means). So I kind of just realized that this was a more casual arrangement but I was starting to have some feelings as things were starting to feel pretty date like. We never just hooked up. He nicknamed me, held my hand, looked long into my eyes and we would make out and talk for hours without having sex more than half of the nights. We would go out on supper dates alone and he would hold my hand when we walked down the street at times. I decided to kind of let it be and cool off a bit and re-evaluate things when I got back from vacation this week.
Since getting back things heated up a lot. We hung out everyday - Half of those dates initiated by him. We slept together once, the other rights just cuddling and holding hands while watching a movie or swimming in my pool. We went out on another dinner date alone together before meeting friends after. He started ending nightly text messages with XoXo and changed my nickname to "Mr hot". He started telling friends he was seeing someone but didn't name me as I was not out.
Two nights ago I met at a friends birthday party and when I showed up he was quite intoxicated - He was all over me to the point where friends started questioning it. He then accidentally let it slip in front of everyone that "I was his man" and that he wanted to kiss me half outing me to all of my friends. He sobered up a bit and stayed the night at my place - and when I walked into my kitchen to grab some food in the morning he was finishing drawing my name in a heart on my whiteboard. I drove him home and on the way he asked if I wanted to help him pick out guys on Tinder which obviously pissed me off a bit - Was this him freaking out and trying to distance things because he realized things were getting more serious? We went out for a drink that night and I just kind of wanted to clear the air and see where we both were. He simply stated that nothing had changed and that we were still friends with benefits with a bit more, despite saying that we were seeing each other a few days earlier. I flat out asked hm if he had feelings for me and he more said he wasn't sure.
I broke stuff off and basically told him to figure out what he wanted. He didn't seem too sad or bothered but Im pretty wrecked over this. Im just coming out, this was my first male dating experience, and it was so hot ad cold and confusing. He texted me today and apologized saying that he is having trouble putting his feelings into words and that he doesn't know what feelings he has above being friends and apologized for leading me on, but wants to still move forward potentially. We have so many mutual close friends that I don't want to make things awkward.
Im not ready for a relationship and this is all so new to both of us, but I can't figure out if I was being used or if he is just confused.
I decided to just come clean and start telling people yesterday and started telling my family today.
Any advice as to what to do? I really like this guy and would love for this to work out as the dates and physical part of it is wonderful, I just don't like the hot and cold aspect.
I can't figure out if he's just confused or actually has no feelings. he's known to be an extremely nice guy and we have had close mutual friends that have told me he is one of the most genuine people they have ever met so I don't think he is innately an asshole. He's a bit younger than me (25) so is he just immature? I find it hard to believe someone could sleep with someone, put their name into some while driving, give then a sweet nickname, hold hands, spend nights cuddling and making out ass with no feelings over 6 weeks. Especially how he had been telling people that he was seeing me and the public displays of affection if front of our friends. He kind of wrote it off as "doing what felt right in the moment", but is he just scared that he starting to feel something and is now trying to cool stuff off as he is afraid or not ready for this to grow into something more?
Either way, I broke stuff off and said that while we can remain friends, that he needs to figure himself out and that we can be friends only until he figures out what he wants. Im so confused as to what this is or was.
It felt very much like an open relationship and we never just hooked up. I don't see that as friends with benefits "with more" at all. Not that labels matter but I see things more and non exclusively seeing each other.
Thanks so much for any outside insight or advice! Im so hurt and confused and lost to be honest...
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