Leo
02-15-2021, 07:41 PM
About a year ago now I broke with my boyfriend. It was sort of a mutual break-up and he wanted to be friends...or that's what he said at the time. We have stayed in touch for the most part except now he doesn't really talk to me...and that's fine. We're both seeing other people and I don't have any "feelings" for him any longer...it just feels awkward to me now particularly that he's quasi ignoring me. In my experience it has been difficult to stay friends with exes regardless of whether it was a "good" or "bad" breakup so I've got the feeling it might be best to walk away from that friendship, but curious about everyone else's experiences with staying friends with exes, whether you were successful or not or other considerations. Of course, I didn't really go into why we broke up in this post, I have posted about our breakup in other threads, so I have at least for now left all that out. So that's part one...and now here's part two.
I have been talking to a new guy since Christmas. He's really nice, shy and we do have some common ground and perhaps we're too much alike in some aspects. He, like me, has some anxiety issues, also introverted and has been kind of sheltered it seems. I feel like he's just gotten comfortable and is just now waking up to life and I do, if anything at all, want to help him open the door. When you have severe social anxiety, have panic attacks, it is all too easy to just stay in your comfort zone believe me I know. My fear is me.
One of the things that I used to do that he does is not being assertive with what he wants. I would just agree or say "whatever you want to do" when you really don't want to do what they want. These days I have learned to be more assertive, stating what I want unless I really don't care. He's done this a lot since meeting him and I get that when you first meet someone you might not put up too many demands but it is annoying to say you want to do something that you really don't and change your mind last minute. Reading that perhaps it might come off the wrong way. We did a little thing for Valentines. I got us a suite in a nearby town that is sort of touristy and before people get in their high horse about COVID, we've taken just about all precautions one can take, wearing masks, getting takeout, etc, etc. I had asked him if he wanted to get lunch in the town or have dinner early and he agreed to it, he later changes his mind before we left and ended up having a really late lunch. The short version is due to all the changes I made later because he didn't tell me upfront what he wanted meant we wound up at Burger King instead of doing Thai basically lol. Then in the morning I thought he might want to look at some of the shops in town, he likes antiquing and such and there's a lot of that and other neat shops. It was raining so I can't completely blame him for not wanting to walk in the rain although I brought an umbrella and a rain jacket in preparation for rain. So we ended up back at my place in the morning, so we never really enjoyed the town...the jacuzzi was nice but we didn't really go out and do anything. However, this was largely something I planned but mainly because he didn't really have any suggestions on what he wanted to do.
Yes, Burger-effing-King. Don't take all this as me ranting about the guy, he is really sweet and I'm sure he had no intention of screwing up dinner plans. I was once in his shoes, being shy and thinking that letting them decide on everything was ok. There are other things about him that do concern me but it is not necessarily a deal-breaker. My question is how can I help him. He reminds me of me about 7-8 years ago, having severe anxiety, not sure about what I want in life, career choices... So I do feel empathetic about that and worried that I'm going to end up breaking this guy's heart and worried that he's too attached to me. I feel like he's kind of gotten into this crush thing with me and that does worry me a bit, not because he likes me because that's good but I think he might be a little too attached too soon perhaps. I don't know how you can tell someone to turn it to low or medium heat without coming off as I don't like you.
The second thing is helping him with his anxiety issue. This is kind of close to me because I went through having panic attacks and for a while I was pretty isolated and I was already introverted and at the same time didn't enjoy doing things alone. I feel that's where we're alike. So I suggested some of the things that helped me early on in dealing with and managing anxiety. I want him to be able to assert himself so he can figure out what he wants in life and able to speak up and not let someone else decide for him. He is a little younger than me, turns 30 later this year. I don't think I would be fair to kick him to the curb because my plans for the weekend didn't go as planned, I'm sure somewhere in there I'm partly to blame and perhaps I'm not realizing that. I want to give him some slack and try to be understanding about where he's at but also be aware of my own shortcomings and be true to myself. I want to give someone the opportunity but I also don't want to give someone the wrong impression.
At any rate I definitely need to discuss this stuff with him. Much easier to do it now, but I want to make sure I'm not being ridiculous or something idk.
I have been talking to a new guy since Christmas. He's really nice, shy and we do have some common ground and perhaps we're too much alike in some aspects. He, like me, has some anxiety issues, also introverted and has been kind of sheltered it seems. I feel like he's just gotten comfortable and is just now waking up to life and I do, if anything at all, want to help him open the door. When you have severe social anxiety, have panic attacks, it is all too easy to just stay in your comfort zone believe me I know. My fear is me.
One of the things that I used to do that he does is not being assertive with what he wants. I would just agree or say "whatever you want to do" when you really don't want to do what they want. These days I have learned to be more assertive, stating what I want unless I really don't care. He's done this a lot since meeting him and I get that when you first meet someone you might not put up too many demands but it is annoying to say you want to do something that you really don't and change your mind last minute. Reading that perhaps it might come off the wrong way. We did a little thing for Valentines. I got us a suite in a nearby town that is sort of touristy and before people get in their high horse about COVID, we've taken just about all precautions one can take, wearing masks, getting takeout, etc, etc. I had asked him if he wanted to get lunch in the town or have dinner early and he agreed to it, he later changes his mind before we left and ended up having a really late lunch. The short version is due to all the changes I made later because he didn't tell me upfront what he wanted meant we wound up at Burger King instead of doing Thai basically lol. Then in the morning I thought he might want to look at some of the shops in town, he likes antiquing and such and there's a lot of that and other neat shops. It was raining so I can't completely blame him for not wanting to walk in the rain although I brought an umbrella and a rain jacket in preparation for rain. So we ended up back at my place in the morning, so we never really enjoyed the town...the jacuzzi was nice but we didn't really go out and do anything. However, this was largely something I planned but mainly because he didn't really have any suggestions on what he wanted to do.
Yes, Burger-effing-King. Don't take all this as me ranting about the guy, he is really sweet and I'm sure he had no intention of screwing up dinner plans. I was once in his shoes, being shy and thinking that letting them decide on everything was ok. There are other things about him that do concern me but it is not necessarily a deal-breaker. My question is how can I help him. He reminds me of me about 7-8 years ago, having severe anxiety, not sure about what I want in life, career choices... So I do feel empathetic about that and worried that I'm going to end up breaking this guy's heart and worried that he's too attached to me. I feel like he's kind of gotten into this crush thing with me and that does worry me a bit, not because he likes me because that's good but I think he might be a little too attached too soon perhaps. I don't know how you can tell someone to turn it to low or medium heat without coming off as I don't like you.
The second thing is helping him with his anxiety issue. This is kind of close to me because I went through having panic attacks and for a while I was pretty isolated and I was already introverted and at the same time didn't enjoy doing things alone. I feel that's where we're alike. So I suggested some of the things that helped me early on in dealing with and managing anxiety. I want him to be able to assert himself so he can figure out what he wants in life and able to speak up and not let someone else decide for him. He is a little younger than me, turns 30 later this year. I don't think I would be fair to kick him to the curb because my plans for the weekend didn't go as planned, I'm sure somewhere in there I'm partly to blame and perhaps I'm not realizing that. I want to give him some slack and try to be understanding about where he's at but also be aware of my own shortcomings and be true to myself. I want to give someone the opportunity but I also don't want to give someone the wrong impression.
At any rate I definitely need to discuss this stuff with him. Much easier to do it now, but I want to make sure I'm not being ridiculous or something idk.
"I’m not expecting to grow flowers in a desert, but I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime"
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