My Rattled Beliefs as A Man of Faith

[richhix56]

I grew up in a very dysfunction environment going to a southern Baptist church. My family attended regularly and was actively involved.  At home though it was literally like living in hell. Going to church was a safe haven for me especially in my teenage years when I first entered a very closeted world.  Going to church became a safe haven for me to get away from all that and I got very involved. No one in the church actually knew what was going on behind the scenes but the people there were exceptionally nice and sincere.  At that time I never really firsthand experienced any sort of feelings of condemnation from the pastor or the people there and never experienced or knew about gossip. As a teen I privately did research mainly from the bible scriptures about homosexuality and the scriptures that condemned homosexuals.  From my standpoint as a teen no one even suspected me as being that way. 

At the age of 18, I had a spiritual conversion at that church before leaving home.  Having 2 casual friends my age that were females who were in the charismatic denomination, I quickly left my southern Baptist roots and beliefs and took on the charismatic beliefs fully. As young adult and through out my adult years was very different being involved in those type of churches in the bible belt area.  I did attempt at certain point to reach out to leaders in that denomination for help. I have been through very intense sessions of deliverance and mind control.  I came to the full realization that I am gay and there is no cure or healing for that.  Not that there was one anyway.  I was led to believe that there was, being immersed in that denomination.

Now that I am in my mid 50's it seems that my whole belief system is completely shattered and I am not sure what to believe anymore.  What I do know is that there is a God and that He loves and care about me.  My once strong faith seems weak and fragile.  At this point I am not sure where to turn to to regain that faith that I mostly lost in the church. It never should have been in the church, but in God. I just do not go to or involved in the church nowadays. I do not read the Bible or even pray for that matter. I just know that its going to take a lot of time on my part to rebuild faith and trust.