Grief is bothering/affecting me?

[soulfulriver]

Hi Members,

Just wanted to share about something that been bothering me for a while.

My beloved sister passed away around June last year. She was in her mid-twenties. Initially, I still couldn't believe that she was gone. 
But, slowly after one year later, I have started to accept the bitter truth that she has left me and my family permanently.


1) My sister was a person with special needs (physically and moderately mentally challenged). All her life, she was dependent on me and my parents for food and other necessities.
There were times whereby she threw tantrums and I got annoyed and scolded her. Now, when I think about those times, I feel ashamed of myself and guilty that I scolded her.

2) She is my only sibling. Now, I feel very lonely without her (like almost an orphan). It hurts me deeply when people ask me if I have any siblings nowadays. I do feel sad and find it painful when I watch those photos or videos posted by other people with their siblings on social media. I'm not a person who like to take photos by nature. But now, I regret not taking photos and videos together with my sister.

3) But here is the major thing. This grief experience has made me feel very uninterested in life. 
It's like the human life is so short and very mortal. I feel like why should I bother to put in effort in my life when the human life is so uncertain.
I have lost interest in my career goals and just want to be in a job and earn some money to survive. 
I had some interest to be in a relationship before. But now, I feel not interested to put my foot forward to find a life partner. It's like why should I even bother to make future plans when the human life is like a question mark.

But very deep inside me, I really want to enjoy my life. But this feeling of hopelessness and disinterest in life is overwhelming me and tying me down. I'm really not sure how to overcome this.

I look forward to your advices.

Thank you.