10-09-2010, 12:09 AM
I have been living with various problems for many years. I have suffered from severe depression ever since I was a young child. I'm now in my late 20's and all these years I have thought about suicide 2 or 3 times a month at a minimum, and sometimes daily. I tried to treat the depression with medication before and it turned into a huge fiasco. It was like being strung out on drugs and I gained a lot of weight. I ended up feeling worse.
I also have a severe form of mixed apnea, which apparently cannot be treated successfully because I'm now on my third breathing machine and it's not working. Every morning I wake up exhausted. I can't think clearly anymore because I think the apnea is finally taking a toll on me. I can't function at work because I can't do anything well and I'm in a very depressing situation at work anyway. I haven't had morning erections in 10 years and now I can't get hard most of the time during sex anymore. I think I'm also facing prostate problems since I have a weak urine flow and I sometimes have a stabbing pain in that area. My boyfriend is emotionally abusive and likes to try and humiliate me in public. But I don't make enough money to live on my own. I'm almost 30 and still working on my Bachelor's degree and it's exhausting me since I already get very poor sleep. I always feel like a loser because I'm ashamed of my low level job.
I have decided that I'm going to end my life because I don't want to deal with these things anymore. Mental health professionals of course will always say that there is hope. But I've already tried to fix these things. I've tried therapy, antidepressants, sleep therapy, and there's nothing I can do. Maybe if I wasn't so depressed I would have more of a drive to get better but I just don't care anymore.
How do I say goodbye to my family and friends? I want to stress to them that it's not their fault and that I love them and I wish things could be different. I just want to be at peace.
I also have a severe form of mixed apnea, which apparently cannot be treated successfully because I'm now on my third breathing machine and it's not working. Every morning I wake up exhausted. I can't think clearly anymore because I think the apnea is finally taking a toll on me. I can't function at work because I can't do anything well and I'm in a very depressing situation at work anyway. I haven't had morning erections in 10 years and now I can't get hard most of the time during sex anymore. I think I'm also facing prostate problems since I have a weak urine flow and I sometimes have a stabbing pain in that area. My boyfriend is emotionally abusive and likes to try and humiliate me in public. But I don't make enough money to live on my own. I'm almost 30 and still working on my Bachelor's degree and it's exhausting me since I already get very poor sleep. I always feel like a loser because I'm ashamed of my low level job.
I have decided that I'm going to end my life because I don't want to deal with these things anymore. Mental health professionals of course will always say that there is hope. But I've already tried to fix these things. I've tried therapy, antidepressants, sleep therapy, and there's nothing I can do. Maybe if I wasn't so depressed I would have more of a drive to get better but I just don't care anymore.
How do I say goodbye to my family and friends? I want to stress to them that it's not their fault and that I love them and I wish things could be different. I just want to be at peace.
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