first serious relationship. please help, long

[indecisive]

I have been in a close relationship with Mike for almost a whole year.

I met him on myspace, and agreed to meet up with him mainly on the grounds of physical attraction; when I first viewed his profile, I was turned off the emo/scene style, which seems to me overly negative and pretentious. I didn't like his taste in music. But I started talking to him and found we had a few things in common, mainly our overall world views. We were both looking for a loving relationship rather than just sex (like a lot of the gay population seemingly). We both loved nature and the beach. He also said he loved a lot of other things I mentioned in our first conversation, but I've later found out that he doesn't really.

I often worry that we don't have a lot in common. After we get past the basic pleasantries and small talk, we sometimes struggle to have a conversation. I talk a lot, telling him a lot about the things that I'm interested in, make jokes and try to be generally engaging and enthusiastic. I answer his questions with full detail. He doesn't seem too enthusiastic or responsive. He doesn't give very much detail when I ask him questions. Maybe I don't ask him enough questions? I'm not very good at conversation making in general, but I feel most comfortable and confident talking to Mike. But when I'm talking to him he sometimes says random things that make me think that he doesn't really understand the point or that are totally unrealistic. This Sometimes embarrasses me. Some of the things he says are so simple or naïve. Or just plain random/out of place/inappropriate. I don't think he is very intelligent.

I enjoy our conversations none-the-less, and maybe I'm really exaggerating a perceived problem writing it now. But it does upset me sometimes that our conversations aren't as interesting as they could be. His lack of enthusiasm and humour annoys me sometimes. He is very serious. Even more serious than me, and I'm serious! He is very moody and takes offence easy, but so do I. He might do or say something that annoys me, and I get in a little bit of a bad mood. He picks up on it and it puts him in a bit of a bad mood, and this starts a downward spiral, each of us asking each other if there is something wrong, but each of us denying it. I try my hardest to bounce back and stay positive, but its difficult when he's so negative and looking at me with those sad puppy dog eyes.

I cant stand the sad puppy dog eyes. Unfortunately I think I have the tendency to have them too, so maybe I'm just being a massive hypocrite. I feel bad about criticising him at all, because I feel like I have a lot of the same problems, maybe to a lesser extent? But being around him doesn't really help me to develop myself. We are both so introvert. When I am around extroverted friends I feel so much better about myself. They bring out the extrovert in me. When he talks about some of his friends, I think Mike feels this to some extent too, perhaps without realising it. I'm sorry Mike, I'm no Matt. Mike, I'm sorry, you're no Jason. But it is so unfair of me to look to a partner to 'develop' me or to completely satisfy my social needs.

When other people refer to us as a couple, they say 'Aww, how cute. How sweet. All sunshine and rainbows.' This I find patronising, and yet at the same time, I get the joke. Mike is so sweet. He has a heart of gold, strong morals, and is always looking to be as thoughtful and nice as he possibly can. He is almost too nice. Too innocent. Too idealistic. I almost wish he would be a bit of a douche. Insult me a little sometimes, by being brutally honest or even just as a joke. I wish he would be cooler, bolder, have a stronger 'personality'. I wish he would experiment with drugs recreationally with me. But no, drugs are 'bad'. I should totally respect his decision not to try. I wish he would be more decisive, more masculine, more loud. I get a bit sick of being lovey dovey gooey all the time. Would I wish all these things if I were truly in love with him?

He doesn't seem to be that into sex. It sort of seems like a routine thing or to keep me happy. He hardly ever initiates it, and is always in some sort of passive role. And he also just has many fixed ideas about it, such as the specific position in which he can only achieve orgasm. He is also stuck in the routine of masturbating every morning, which annoys me slightly that he doesn't save it for when we can be together. Whenever he gets an erection, he doesn't think, 'wow, I'm horny, lets have sex!' it seems to be more along the lines of 'oh no! Look what you did! It's always popping up, why do I have to be so horny all the time? Ill just ignore it.' I really wish he could be more into sex. More into the pleasure of it and experimenting in different positions so it doesn't become dull.

I'm sure if you asked him how our relationship was going, he would say it's going great. He seems like a very contented sort of guy. He has told me that I'm the hottest guy he has ever met. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for him. I think I do love him and I certainly never want to hurt him. We are two very very similar people, I'm very lucky to have met him. There have been so many great magical memories that we have shared. But right since the beginning, and especially because this is my first relationship, I have questioned it. It seems very weird and wrong to break up with him now, all of a sudden, without any arguments or anything. And I don't really want to break up with him because I would probably regret it. I really enjoy his company. I've come to rely upon him so much, too much I think, and I just don't want to be alone. But at the same time, I don't think we will last together forever, and I really really want to throw myself out into the world and explore other possibilities. Especially since I'm still so young and I was a virgin when I entered the relationship with him. I know that relationships have a lot to do with compromise. I know that I will never find anyone perfect. This is the biggest gamble of my life.

Sometimes I have these thoughts. Like I've just stumbled into this relationship and settled and it's all I've ever known. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm still doing with him. Sometimes all I can think about is how generous and loving he is. He has given so much to me and tried so hard for me. And I really really appreciate him, but maybe it would be best for him to find someone that appreciates him more. I think that the longer I spend with him the harder it will be. But I think that I would be saying goodbye to a really really amazing person if I say goodbye now. I don't know what to do. I hate this indecisiveness. And I'm not a terribly social person. It would probably take me a long time to find someone else. I don't have the highest self-esteem. Sometimes I think, and it's a horrible way to put it, that he's 'the best I can get.' I don't want to be alone, but I want what's best for me to be happy in the long run.

Wow, they fact that I've just written so much shows how mentally retarded and over analysing I am. If anyone has the patience to read, I really respect them.