getting this off my chest

[samsungroy]

Ah, this is going to be a little long but I definitely needed to get this off of my chest! Okay, I literally just got home from the LONGEST car ride of my life, and the most BORING ride in itself! It gave me time to think, and think is what I did. Lately life has been so confusing and instead of keeping it in, I just needed to write down what is going on, either here or just on word, and I chose here.

It all started when I was around 15 years old "9th grade", I started watching straight porn and was really turned on by it, a few months in, I started noticing a difference, I was starting to check out the guy a little more than the girl, but still was getting off to the girl. I thought it was just a little weird and dismissed it all together. Around 16, I got a dildo as a gag gift from my hockey team, I tossed it under my bed and never thought of it until one evening. I was watching this one porno, and it was a girl using a strap-on, on a guy. I was wondering what it felt, so I grabbed a condom, tossed it on the dildo and ended up using it, UHM it hurt ha, but it felt good at the same time and I cummed like there was no other. Still, I felt nothing and dismissed all my feelings. I did this for a while!

I started having sex with girls when I was end of 15 just turning 16, I had sex with around 5-7 by 17 and when I hit 18 my count jumped up until almost 20. I ended up getting a serious girlfriend, who I feel in love with, we dated for almost 1 and a half years. Sex was great, our chemistry was great, but for some reason I would still watch straight porn which is normal but then I started watching gay porn, I would definitely enjoy it, I mean I could watch it from start to finish but at the same time, it was turning me on but I was so CONFUSED.

We ended up going our separate ways, then I went back to being a pimp, ha! I just was having sex with anyone I know. I hit 20 years of age and I felt like I hit rock bottom. I started watching gay porn more often, I started research information about being gay, coming out, coming to terms with it, I was really confused at this point in life. I had no idea if I was straight, bisexual, gay ... I wasn't looking for a title/label but more or less sanity. I actually just said fuck it and emailed one of my close "girl" friends and said blah blah blah and all my feelings that I was "gay", she was shocked but loved me for me and it went well, a few weeks later I emailed her back saying that, whoever sent you that email was NOT me and I apologize for it and she was like oh it's alright, I figured it wasn't you ... we no longer talk, not because of that but more or less the fact I feel ashamed for what I have done.

and still till this day I do not know if I am gay/straight/bisexual .. I have never been with a man, but plenty of women "which I KNOW does not mean a thing" .. it's weird, I enjoy saying babe/hun/cutie/sexy, but it feels weird at the same time, it's annoying. I play a college sport, so it isn't like I can come out, it would KILL me! I love looking at cute clothes, shoes, underwear, I like looking at hot men on the internet, pictures, videos, talking ... but then I am like WTF this isn't me .. it is like it is eating me alive and it's so hard ... I currently am in a relationship, which is hard to deal with especially this whole situation/issue.

I recently met a guy on craigslist from my hometown, sounds sketchy I know, but I was in dyer need to talk to someone, he's a black male, 25 years of age and is SUPER nice/cute! I get along with him well, I feel so dirty talking to him though .. oh by the way I am white, not that it matters ... we are talking and taking it slow, I feel like I want to just jump on him and kiss him, but then at the same time I am like NO that can not happen. I do not feel like cheating, I love this girl ... I am at a LOSS!

Ah, I apologize for this being SO long, but I just needed to get this off of my CHEST! It felt SO good!

Thanks to all who read/respond, I truly do appreciate it. Take care EVERYONE! mile: