My frustrations [Long story. But it is separated into paragraphs! :)]

[TooLate]

So I've actually been pretty fortunate. Last month (approx.) a guy I was obsessed with told me he liked me too. That pretty much made my year. Actually, it may sound silly but it was one of the best days of my life.

So we meet up in secret in school because neither of us are out (although it's pretty obvious to everyone that I'm gay because of my voice and mannerisms. No-one suspects he is at all though)! Anyways, when we're together, I kinda freeze up and I literally have nothing to say to him - all we talk about is school work! When we're not talking about school work, we just hug and I touch him in inappropriate places... It kinda sucks because I always imagined a relationship would be different.

For the first week I felt like I was in love. It was kinda sweet and it made my heart feel all fuzzy and warm. But things kinda changed when I went round his house for a sleepover.

I went round his house on the 2nd week of our relationship and god I was looking forward to it. Throughout the day, we were hugging and kissing, there was also a bit of inappropriate touching but it only got more intense at night.

During the night, I gave him a blowjob and he reciprocated (I know he didn't like giving it though which kinda hurts). He tried several times to fuck me but I pretended it hurt too much (it did hurt a little because we were going without lube) cos we both agreed beforehand that we wanted to save our first time (cute eh).

Anyways, the morning after I started feeling guilty. I've been brought up with quite an innocent mentality - sex and masturbation feels so dirty to me. I felt really bad doing the stuff we did during the sleepover and that kinda killed my mood.

Over the next few weeks (just to give you guys perspective, the sleepover was the first week of November), we kinda talked a lot less then we initially did. Like we used to msn and skype each other ALL the time (we'd talk from 10pm to 1am on most nights) but this xmas break, he has not spoken to me once (not even to wish me happy birthday or merry christmas, which kinda hurts).

Since the sleepover, I've kinda come to the realisation that this is lust and not love. I dunno how to feel about that because I really want a relationship where I fall head over heels for a guy (and I want that to be reciprocated obviously). It feels like he doesn't like me at all now and I can't wait till school starts again so I can talk to him about it.

Some complaints/problems:

- We haven't actually been out anywhere. We haven't been to the cinemas/whatever and I want to do something with him, but I want him to be the one to ask me out.
- He didn't bother wishing me a 'Merry Xmas/Happy Birthday' which kinda sucks.
- I feel inadequate compared to him. I know it shouldn't matter tht he's richer than me but it is kinda a problem and I dunno why!
- He's bigger down there (he's probably 6-7inches and I'm 4-5inches). I know some people say it doesn't matter (I am the bottom afterall) but it still feels weird.
- I feel so self conscious around him.
- We have nothing in common and I don't think we can change that because we both have a LOT of school work (and I mean a lot) so we can't exactly join clubs and stuff.
- Being gay isn't really acceptable and it'd be too weird outing ourselves. But it sucks not being able to hold hands in public!
- I'm the only guy he likes (he's mostly straight I guess). It's really weird when he talks about hot girls.
- He's not talking to me on msn/texting me anymore and we don't talk much irl (because we hang in different circles and there's rumours that I'm obsessed with him so if I spend time with him, people would believe those rumours). I really want to know if he's bored of me.
- I think I'm getting bored of him!

Argh, I have to much to say but I know the more I type, the less inclined people will feel about reading this. It's also kinda late here so my thoughts are coming out all jumbled.

Basically, we used to talk all the time on msn and skype. Mainly about his family and how he's doing (but obviously there's only so much I can ask about his family/life). We have so little in common (apart from school and school work), it's kinda depressing. Now we just talk about sex all the time which is exciting (if you get what I mean) but not really meaningful.

I guess it's kinda fortunate that next year is university! So we'll have to be apart.


We did have such big dreams when we were still obsessed with each other. We were thinking about going on holiday and meeting up during uni etc.


Feel free to give any comments you like. Just so I know someone was reading.