I wish I could but I can't

[HotCanadian]

I've been sexually attracted to men for a long time but was too afraid to act on those feelings. When I lived on my own, I used to fantasize for hours with my toys. Now, I'm married but I think about men so often.

There was a gorgeous, flamboyant spanish man at this pita place I went to for lunch today. I never saw him working there before but the moment I saw him, I began wishing. I got flustered and so did he as I tried to place my order. Once we both realized we were staring at each other with our eyes glazed over softly smiling, he got real nervous real fast.

He wished me a happy new year and I did the same.

On my way home, he was all I could think about. I really can't take it any more. I've held these feelings in for so long and they get stronger all the time. I want to be with men but I just can't.

I love the whole concept of being gay. It seems so perfect. Men with men seems so right to me. I often think to myself that all men must be gay. I can't understand how anybody could deny being attracted big strong men or little feminine men. I love them both. I tell myself, "every guy must be gay" because it makes me feel like I'm not facing these feelings alone.