Just new

[trains]

Yeah, I won't lie, I lurked pretty decently before posting.
Well, I'm 19, and as sad as it sounds, I'm not out nor do I have any gay friends or anyone to talk to, and it can be a little overwhelming at times.
I guess I have a few questions.
Is it common for gay guys to be strictly friends, or is that weird? I know a lot of gay guys either have girl friends, or straight guy friends.
I've only ever been attracted to much older men, if I had to give a number, 40ish. So for me it would be totally legit, to just have a gay friend my own age and we could just hang out all day and have shit in common. But then I think about how it could be weird for them if they suddenly felt an attraction for you or something, right? Things could get dirty. Maybe I'm just conceited.

I guess that's the reason I haven't come out, is that I've never felt a relationship would be practical due to my pretty strict age attraction. I'm not even bi, but I'd rather be with a girl than a guy my own age. Weird? I've thought about it extensively.
But problem stems, I somewhat feel like it's causing anxiety for me. Example, there's this guy at my work, he's one of the cutest guys I've ever seen (I think he's arabic. I can't say for sure. There's another arabic guy around too - SO cute! He wore a hollister shirt once. Can older guys wear hollister and be straight? No ring...) anyways, he has the best smile.
It's so intimidating, the first time I saw him, he smiled at me, I was like holy F, my heart beat so fast and my thoughts became distraught so I basically turn around and ran as fast as I could. Not really, but it was pretty bad. But I'm over that now. One time I was like... "I need a cart. Have you seen a cart? I need one." and he was like "No, people keep taking the carts and not returning them." and I'm all "The dirty criminals. I will find and retrieve your precious carts and we will never again have such a problem."

Obviously it didn't actually go down that way, but I'm pretty sure he laughed after I said something then I left to find a cart. (This really happened. I work at wal-mart by the way, incase you're actually reading and thinking "cart wtf?")
Sorry. So anyways, he came over to where I work (they technically call it work) and I was talking to one of my coworkers and I started laughing then turned around and saw him and my face was like OMG (cause of anxiety) and I stopped laughing and I probably looked like a dipshit.
I don't really know why he came over, but he smiled at me and I was holding a hockey stick for some reason and he asked me how much a hockey stick costs and I replied with the correct amount it would be purchased for. But I COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING ELSE. So he smiled and left. Conversation fail. Nothing felt appropriate to say in the situation.

Well today I saw him and I was like happy new years (I was pretty slick when I said it), and he's all "you too buddy!" and I fist pumped in my head as I walked away.
And for the rest of the night I was thinking about how I'd go over and strike up a conversation.
(I don't know if he's even gay, I just thought he could be because of he dresses pretty nice and always wears scarfs when he leaves, and has his one ear pierced, and that glimmer in his eye when he smiles. Then once I saw him walking with another guy around his age. And well he's always talking on the phone in the breakroom so I suspect maybe a boyfriend if he is gay but that's cool I just wanted to be friends anyway)
So every time I'd go over, I'd literally see him, anxiety would strike, and I'd peace. It feels like I'm almost cold at times, because I'm so nervous that I can't even give the courtesy to make eye contact. Sometimes I smile though.
Anyways, all I want to do is be able to talk to him. It may seem shallow or weird, but there are only a few people in every crowd that I find interesting (not meaning attractive, but that alone could do it) and I don't feel the need to get close to these other people. I just find them boring. That's probably weird, right?
I mean, I'm friendly with everyone and I don't have a problem with conversing, but with most people I don't feel like putting the effort in to an actual conversation.

I can't believe I just wrote a 5 page story of my life.

EDIT: Oh yeah, so to summarize, I can't talk to any cute guys because the anxiety prevents my voice from being fluent, so I feel like I sound nervous/unconfident, and I'll be too worrying about this in my head to deal with conversation.