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Sincerely need advice on where I stand sexually (very long)
#1
Hello. My name is Nick. I am a 27 year old man (which may be kind of old to be having sex identity issues), and I have lead a more-or-less hetero life. I've always known my sexuality wasn't 100% straight, but for my own mental well-being, I want to figure where my sexuality lies.

For much of my life I've been kind of self-loathing because of who I was, and that attitude hasn't been to good to me. Recently I have been making efforts to learn to love myself, and since then I have been happier and more confident, and I have seen my life improving. Part of this process is learning to accept who I am sexually, but to accept that I first have to figure it out, and that's been a bit of a confusing ride, so I'd like to get some insight from others. This post is going to be long, but it's important to me to make sure I explain myself in enough detail because I sincerely want good advice, so I hope that you will be patient enough to read my story. I'm not going to go over my life story, just some of my feelings on sexuality.

Since I've hit puberty, sex with other men has been a recurring thought in my head. It wasn't just a passing curiosity, it was a desire, but one that stayed in my head because, at the time, I was attracted to women.

I never really found men attractive in a conventional sense; I wouldn't look at a man and think “Oh my god he's hot!” or get an erection or anything, but I was still noticing them, even if it was subconscious. I suppose I found women attractive, but I was never obsessed with their looks; I always loved the person rather than the body. I found them aesthetically pleasing, but when it came to sex, the bodies didn't really matter. Breasts were nice to look at, but playing with them never really excited me. I didn't care much about a girl's butt, and I couldn't really care less about what a vagina looked like. Fantasizing about women wasn't bad, but it never got me hard without some visual aid. Fantasizing about men was a different thing; I never thought about kissing them, but fantasizing about other things was very exciting. In my fantasies, nothing excited me more than a penis. For most of my life, however, it was no more than a fantasy.

I've had girlfriends, and it was fun. I liked hanging out with women, and I could be a part of myself that I couldn't really show around other men, so I enjoyed it. Sex with women was good enough. It was enjoyable; I enjoyed the foreplay: the kissing, the fondling, the oral sex. I was good at that stuff. However, the sex part was always awkward to me. The whole idea of putting my penis inside her felt uncomfortable to me. I was always a soft, gentle, passive person, and very act of doing this felt like it went against my nature. Physically it felt alright, but I was never satisfied with it. The very act felt dominant, and that wasn't me. I hated being dominant (I even hate winning at games or sports because I feel bad for the people who lost). The whole time I do it, all that's going through my head is “I hope I don't hurt her.” “If I go to deep it'll hurt her.” “I better not go to fast, it might hurt her.” One time I did go too far and hurt my girlfriend, and it was just a little bit, but I ended up crying. Another girl I was with told me to “fuck (her) brains out,” and hearing that was an immediate and irreparable turn off. I can't do that. I'd rather be on the other end, I thought. Relationships with women always ended up not working out in the end. Every woman I have been with has eventually demanded that I be more of a “man,” be more dominating, and not act so much like a woman. I was never a man as far as traditional gender roles were concerned, nor could I ever be. In my mind, I wasn't a man, nor was I a woman; I was something else, though I never determined what this something else was.

Finally, a few years ago, I decided to act on my curiosity and have sex with another man. I met this nice guy who was also bi-curious, and after talking for a while, we went to a hotel to have our first homosexual experience. Now, I never thought much about kissing a guy, but once we got into it, I was all over him (and him me). I surprised myself how much I was into it. I nearly had an orgasm from just having him inside me. It was definitely an intense experience. However, after it was over, I felt... ashamed. My mind was flooded with thoughts like “what are you doing?” “You're not gay.” for I learned at an early age that homosexuality was shameful. I grew up in a place where even though people tolerated homosexuality, it was easy to tell that they hated it, so I learned from my community, my peers, and my parents, that it was wrong.

That confused me because I couldn't rationally think about my experience. I couldn't tell if I really enjoyed it or not. I eventually thought “okay, I had my gay experience, now to get back to my life.” But fantasies and thoughts about men came back. About a year after my first experience, I ended up having sex with another man. This time, it was a friend of mind who... kinda seduced me when I visited him (I made no effort to resist). This time, after it was done, I became unable to sleep. I was shuddering, and giggling like a little girl the whole night remembering how intense it was and how good it felt.

This all got me even more confused because, as I mentioned before, I never really found men that attractive. I like the way some guys look, but I very rarely get sexually aroused from just looking at a – clothed – man. I never thought of myself as gay. Gay porn wasn't very exciting to me; I'd rather imagine myself with another man rather than see two men having sex. I sought advice from a lesbian friend of mine, and during the conversation I mentioned that “gay people have always accepted me and never ridiculed me for the way I acted, what I liked, or who I was. I've always got along great with them. I'm so compatible with them. I find myself so similar to them.” and it hit me: “could it be that the reason I find gay people so similar to me is because I am gay myself?” "But I don't swoon and obsess over men's bodies, so what makes me gay?"but then I thought, “Yeah, I could learn to have a relationship with a guy, and if I accept this and become comfortable with it, I think I could be happy.”

So there it is. Could I be gay if I have more of a psychological need to be with a guy than a physical one? Would I be acting too rashly if I were to start identifying myself as gay? I'm still not totally sure where I stand sexually. Sorry for the very long post, but I sincerely want input from people who may understand my feelings. Thank you very much.
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Messages In This Thread
Sincerely need advice on where I stand sexually (very long) - by bariuke - 08-29-2011, 08:21 AM
Sincerely need advice on where I stand sexually (very long) - by colinmackay - 09-01-2011, 12:54 AM
Sincerely need advice on where I stand sexually (very long) - by SleepTalker - 09-01-2011, 04:45 AM

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