Sexual Displeasure

[Kuja]

so i am a highly cerebral person by nature i seem to live in my mind, i have tried everything i can to connect to the "primal animal" aspect of my psyche to no avail. i cant seem to connect with anyone sexually at all whatsoever, i have been with people i care about deeply, i have been with random strangers, i have had sex on every drug, and in every situation i could imagine, even when it has been very good, i just feel empty, and dissatisfied. i cant seem to reach climax, and i cant let some one climax inside me.

idk what to do. the only things that bring any sort of pleasure to me are making art and music. i have change my environment several times, i am very happy with where i live, and what i do, i am happy with who i am and what i have done, yet i am absolutely bound by intellect. when ever i am having sex, i am just thinking about how i would like to either be making something or asleep. it seems really fucked up to me, because i am only 25, and i cant get excited by physicality or affection, it always seems like little more than a chore at worst or simply maintaining my body at best.

i like the idea of sexuality, and deviance. i am compelled by beauty and seduction, yet the reality of fornication leaves something to be desired. the constant ambivalence is infuriating, i have tried to intellectualize the entire process of engaging in sexual intercourse so as to rationalize my conflict and find a solution, yet i seem to be at an impasse, i am too young to be so cynical as to honestly believe have nothing to be gained in from physicality and affection, yet i cannot find a way to truly enjoy it.