Sagittarius
To be honest... I've been so fucking depressed all my life, and lately it just hit rock bottom. I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't even look my self in the mirror. I just hated my self, just so fucking much, and everything around me. Thats why I deleted my Account (Aester), cause I planed to commit suicide (No kidding).
During the Saturday I went to the railroad and waited for a train to pass, I think I waited 40-50 min somewhat. Eventually the train come, and as planed it was in full speed and unable to stop. So I stood there, in front of it, closed my eyes and praying for a quick death (Although I'm not Christian). But as I stood there, saw and heard the train coming closer and closer my heart pumped with adrenalin and without thinking I jumped of the track.
As I laid there on the ground beside, it just felt waking up to a weird dream, everything felt so unreal, that everything that has happened in my life was just a dream. I did not get flashbacks of my life as people whose close to death tells you. It wasn't meant for me to die that die that day obviously. It really opened my eyes... That all I've done is shit, let the past be as its not a part in the present. That I can't bury my self in sorrow, in self pity, guilt, paranoia or anxiety. I will never accomplish anything if I just hold on to those feelings.
So I went home, pretty disoriented. What to do now? I'm still feeling a bit depressed but it got me realizing that it doesn't lead to any good. Eventually I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop wonder how my life could had been, what would happened after death? Everything in general. Well anyway I'm back here. For the moment is my only goal to try to be more honest, to be my self and try to come out with my sexuality atleast. I can't hide the truth forever and either my emotions, I can't hide who I am, as I will only loose my self. This is my turn point, this is where I lose the last page on this chapter, cheers for a new begging!
The weirdest part was to read it in the news paper "Unknown guy tried to commit suicide, train driver got devastated that he almost killed someone." and hearing my mother say "Oh that poor bloke, must have lived a very loveless life. Just hope the best for him in the future".
During the Saturday I went to the railroad and waited for a train to pass, I think I waited 40-50 min somewhat. Eventually the train come, and as planed it was in full speed and unable to stop. So I stood there, in front of it, closed my eyes and praying for a quick death (Although I'm not Christian). But as I stood there, saw and heard the train coming closer and closer my heart pumped with adrenalin and without thinking I jumped of the track.
As I laid there on the ground beside, it just felt waking up to a weird dream, everything felt so unreal, that everything that has happened in my life was just a dream. I did not get flashbacks of my life as people whose close to death tells you. It wasn't meant for me to die that die that day obviously. It really opened my eyes... That all I've done is shit, let the past be as its not a part in the present. That I can't bury my self in sorrow, in self pity, guilt, paranoia or anxiety. I will never accomplish anything if I just hold on to those feelings.
So I went home, pretty disoriented. What to do now? I'm still feeling a bit depressed but it got me realizing that it doesn't lead to any good. Eventually I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop wonder how my life could had been, what would happened after death? Everything in general. Well anyway I'm back here. For the moment is my only goal to try to be more honest, to be my self and try to come out with my sexuality atleast. I can't hide the truth forever and either my emotions, I can't hide who I am, as I will only loose my self. This is my turn point, this is where I lose the last page on this chapter, cheers for a new begging!
The weirdest part was to read it in the news paper "Unknown guy tried to commit suicide, train driver got devastated that he almost killed someone." and hearing my mother say "Oh that poor bloke, must have lived a very loveless life. Just hope the best for him in the future".
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