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Is it ever going to happen?
#1
Okay, so I may have mislead you a bit by the title of this thread, but hear me out because despite the immense amount of self-analysis I'm going to lay down here there is a question I need answered.

So I'm kind of a bitch. And by "kind of" I mean I make other self-proclaimed bitches cry just by staring at them for ten seconds, and this translates to my entire life basically. It can sometimes be a good thing because it affords me the ability to be brutally honest when I want and need to be because it's just part of who I am. I was born a bitch (my mother says that I whacked the back of my head against the wall of her *shiver*birthing cavity*shiver* three times before I would allow the doctor's to pull me out) and I will likely die a bitch. But I'm also sweet as sugar. It's confusing. One moment I can be ripping someone apart for wearing something hideous and the next moment I'm nursing a dying kitten back to health. I can see how this would be a bit much for some people because I don't know how I manage to be so incredibly awful and nice at the same time. It's exhausting.

I've asked my friends how they put up with me and the general consensus is that they'd rather be in my good graces than have me berating them mercilessly.

I know, I've heard that I sound like the biggest douche bag to come around since Hitler and The Situation...but I can't help it. People make me that way. And I'd like to be nicer to people and open myself up more but I find it so incredibly difficult to smile and wave at someone who makes me want to throw up in my mouth, which usually means everyone. And I'm becoming a teacher? Sounds like a joke, but it's not.

I should say that, even though I was born with the Bitch Bone firmly in place, I wasn't always a a raging asshole.

I was always treated like garbage by my classmates. Literally, I was thrown in a dumpster behind my old high school a few times because I had accidentally let my wrist flick about a little too obviously. And it wasn't only the closet gays and outright homophobes that treated me like the bastard child of Quasimodo and Shrek. Guys I would make an effort to be nice to and get involved with would step all over me. Because apparently I have no feelings and it didn't matter if they would ask me out on a date and then cancel so they could get a quickie from some manwhore in the backseat of a station wagon. That was not the message I was trying to send. I toned down my asshattery tenfold when I was with these guys and although it killed me to not be a bitch I told myself it was worth it, but that must give them the right to trample me to death.

So I vowed to never not be a bitch because it's the only thing that keeps me sane. As long as I can tell myself that Stephen is going to give Kevan herpes and then one of them will fall of a bridge...I will be okay.

But I don't always want to be like that because people don't like it and it makes me miserable sometimes. I have friends who have boyfriends and girlfriends and I'm the awkward single penguin just sitting in a corner nibbling on a saltine cracker while they get their macks on and rub their delirious happiness in my face.

And I'm not even ugly. I'm handsome in a classic, 50s way. I'm sure the 50s have come back in style a couple times now...but I'm never in style. Ever. I try to change for people...I don't get shit. I don't change for people, and...I don't get shit. So what the Christ am I supposed to do? Or do I not do anything and just remain a single old manbitch for the rest of my life?

Because I'm not okay with that, that is not a life that I have planned for myself.

No judgmental dickweeds please, I've already called myself a bitch about ten times in this post so don't insult me with that...it's not even an insult anymore. I'm...just really lonely and depressed. I don't bare my feelings ever, really, so this is kind of a big thing for me (throw some confetti).
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Messages In This Thread
Is it ever going to happen? - by HuffleScuffle - 01-16-2012, 12:59 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by iPromise - 01-16-2012, 10:11 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by HuffleScuffle - 01-17-2012, 09:32 AM
Is it ever going to happen? - by Zet - 01-17-2012, 12:18 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by Pix - 01-17-2012, 12:41 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by iPromise - 01-17-2012, 03:04 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by HuffleScuffle - 01-17-2012, 08:26 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by iPromise - 01-17-2012, 10:05 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by lokilol - 02-24-2012, 07:13 PM
Is it ever going to happen? - by indianajones - 02-28-2012, 08:30 AM
Is it ever going to happen? - by Gizzie - 02-28-2012, 10:07 AM
Is it ever going to happen? - by zeon - 02-28-2012, 10:28 AM

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