Here goes...

[theseus]

I am not sure what i should write on here but i got to vent somewhere.

I am Theseus, 27, Hull UK. I wont give my real name as i am not out.

I am a bi seuxual man and im not quite sure that i understand myself? I went to school and had no issues, i went out with a girl for around 4 years and i felt like i was in love with her at the time, we had sex when i was 14, i enjoyed it and it was great, we continued to have sex and had a good relationship. When i was 16 i started to have unusual feelings towards men but didnt explore them and bottled it down. for some reason when breaking up with her i told her that i had a crush on a male celeb that she did. she couldnt believe it, broke down crying, everything went sour and the relationship and friendship ended.

When i was 17 i went out with a mate of mine drinking in Hull, on the walk home we got talking about men and being gay etc, i didnt think he was but hed talked once about mates wanking in front of each other, anyway, he mentioned about never kissing a guy and so i told him i was bi and we kissed, a proper snog. Straight away he didnt talk to me and we walked home at warp speed, i tried talking to him but he was having none of it. our friendship ended there and we didnt really talk again.

I moved on and whilst at college, one of my mates told me he was gay, i told him i was bi right back and we decided that we would tell people together, when we did people didnt believe that i was as i had only recently broken up with my first girlfriend so it never got mentioned. my mate however was fully accepted and moved on. no one ever mentioned it to me again.

I decided the time was right to tell my parents but couldnt do it myself so my older brother told them for me, he is gay and i confided in him first. they found out and mum rang me, we had a very brief telephone conversation and she cried, she was fine with it though. i stayed away for a few days and when i eventually went home i avoided them like the plague, they never mentioned it, not once and so again it disappeared. I just went back to being straight me.

I left college and went on to get a job, stayed single for some time and then got a job in a nightclub alongside a day job in a call centre. whilst working the club i met plenty of women and had trained myself so i didnt think about men. I met a girl who was pretty and we got along fine and we started seeing each other but only when i was at work, we snogged a few times but nothing more and she slowly faded away into the back ground.

i then started seeing another girl who i went out to cinema, tea etc with and i stayed over a couple of times at her. she was very pretty, very funny and we got along great. the only issue was that we were not sleeping together and on the one occasion we tried the little fella didnt seem to want to. i left the room and went and sat outside, she knew i was there but didnt bother coming out to me and went to sleep which didnt help. we broke up a short while later.

During working at the call centre i became a team leader responsible for training new staff, a new kid started who was obviously gay buy he was also hot. i was responsible for training him and we got along great, he knew a kid in the office who hed previously had thing with and they got on great too, i found myself a bit jealous of this. i confided in this kid and a few others in the office about me being bi and enjoyed being open with them but i still wasnt having a sexual relationship with either a man or a woman and i wouldnt put myself out there for one either. I spent plenty of time in pubs, never went in a gay pub and just got on with life until i left the job as it was shite. unfortunately i quickly lost contact with them all after i told a white lie about sleeping with a female colleague who i hadnt slept with. they didnt appreciate that and i understand why.

I became unemployed for six months and i shut myself away, i stayed working my night job on a weekend but 5 out of 7 days didnt go out. id go for a drink before work which was a good laugh and i confided in one girl, it didnt affect our relationship but it was never mentioned that i was bi. i tried to tell one male friend that i had gone through a phase where i wondered which way i was attracted and he just told me he had never been through it and the conversation moved on.

i then got a decent job in a male orientated environment, one of the forces, where men are men and nothing less. we are expected to fight and our voice is our best weapon, we are close both in work and out and you are expected to be hard. during training i met a girl i was attracted to, we started seeing each other and eventually moved in together, without sleeping with each other. she lived over 40 miles away and had to move nearer for work, i was living with my folks and it seemed sensible to move in together. On the first night we were about to have sex when the mood was ruined with her saying something like "im not going on top". this threw me, id not been with a girl for around 5/6 years. everything went fumbly and i couldnt get an erection and it went tits up. we stayed together, had our ups and downs but just didnt have sex, everytime it felt like we were getting closer to doing it id push her away with an argument or an excuse. After about a year we were laying in bed together and for some reason things got heated and that was it, sex sex sex for the next couple of months, then she found my google history, id googled David Beckham (famous armani ad) and couldnt explain it away, i had a few days out to explore my feelings but explained it away. over the next year there would be a few more google instances but id explain them away and she was happy to hear it. sex was good but probably not as often as other couples would have it.

We moved house, we got married, had a stale honeymoon where we didnt have sex, returned home and then it sort of dried up a bit, physical contact drifted away for a few months and we broke up, i moved out for three weeks and one night i went back to chat and we ended up having sex. we decided to try make things work and things were steady however after six weeks she found out she was pregnant. we were both over the moon, we both have a lot to offer a child and we were caught up in the next eight months, having regular and good sex, really good sex, right up until 8 months pregnant.

Our child was born, we were very happy, and after a month or so sex resumed, but it wasnt the same, i found myself wanting something different, something more, i suppose id always known i wanted more in the back of my mind but kept on hiding it away, lying it away and i could honestly forget about it. The missus would catch me checking blokes out though from the corner of my eye. i didnt mean to do it, i tried to stop but the mind wanders and before you know your doing it youve been caught. i signed onto gaydar, didnt upload any pics or out but chatted to men, found it very horny and tended to please myself more than the missus even though we did have some sex. Little did i know but she had hacked into my email, found out, created her own gaydar and had then messaged me, which i had responded to and we had both chatted with each other about what we would do in the locker room at my gym. then one day she asked me if i was bi, i replied "yes", bad times. we fell out big time. and even though i knew my relationship was breaking down i still didnt stop logging into gaydar, i still responded to him, him who was now sleeping in my back bedroom. Eventually, when i was at work she left, text me, and i returned home to an empty house, i did my utmost to try and convince her i wasnt gay and that i had stopped logging online etc but she didnt believe me, why should she? she eventually told me she was the guy online and i felt my world cave in around me.

Mad thing is, a few months later she took me back, we were living at seperate addresses but began sleeping together again and we were going at it big time, sex was brilliant. but i hadnt stopped logging into things online and didnt realise she knew my email password so was aware i was doing it. things again turned sour and it ended.

I have since moved and she is due to move back to her home town with our child. we get on well but recently things have started breaking down. I have been a very bad person, i have treated her like crap with my twisted lies and dishonesty and now i dont know where to turn, what to do or who i am.

This is my story so far. please feel free to comment both negative and positive, i know im a bad person but my head has gone and i dont know where to look for my future. i know that i fancy women, very few but i am attracted to some, but then i know i want to sleep with a man. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.