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Coming Out Are you still in the closet? Want some help and advice on coming out? (you can post anonymously in here! - requires >50 posts)

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Unread 1 Week Ago   #1
RomanticMan
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Default Should I come out?

Firstly, I will not come out but I want to know about my parents probable reactions. And Want you to guess about it. I talked to a friend in a liberal country, and he said ''your family is even liberal than mine ''. And his parent accepted the fact. So I wanna talk about my family.

I was brought as ''never discriminate'' kind of guy. They always taught me to love people whatever their religion is. I can drink with my dad. And he asks for my alchol and i can say ''you should share yours to get mine'' and a few jokes like that. We celebrated New Year (They actually think they celebrate a Christian festival) :D. They're muslims. But they dont apply most of their rules. They just dont steal and have a bit conservative mind maybe.

My mom talked to a doctor about homosexuality and transexuality. She was home and said '' I think I though wrongly about trans and gay people. I was angry with them, but I learned it's an illness. Now, I'm sorry for them.''. Just in case you think all muslims wear head scarf, that's not true and my mom doesnt wear headscarf.

My dad once had a divorce news around us. He talked to the phone and the man said ''she is a lesbian'', then they hang up the phone. My mom asked ''why did they break up?''. Then, my dad answered (smiling a bit) ''because she turns out to be more feminine than other women''.

My brother had a gay roommate, he actually learned it afterwards. My brother is the most conservative one in the family. He didnt do anything I guess. but they had a huge fight in the house about something unrelated to being gay. And he blackmailed him ''if you do that, I'll tell everybody that you're gay''.

My elder sister is LGBT-friendly person. But we dont get along well with. She's kind of jelous of me. She could do anything for being better than me. Her ego problem is especially about being Western and educated. I'm not saying I'm well-educated, but for sure better than her.

So, what's your thought about it?
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #2
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When I first found out that I was gay, I decided to stay in the closet until by parents had died of old age.
Quickly the lying and secrets became too much for me and I came out. That was the best day of my life.

Being from Denmark, I was better off than you. Atleast I believe so. Danish people are very accepting and laid back.

The question becomes; are you able to live your life happily, while hiding your true feelings from everybody you care about forever? The obvious answer to that question is no. In which case, you might as well come out sooner, rather than later, and save yourself the burden of secrets.

Are you financially independent? Would you be breaking any turkish laws by being openly gay? If the worst-case scenario happens and your family kicks you out and disowns you completely, would you be alright?
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RomanticMan (1 Week Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuddly View Post
When I first found out that I was gay, I decided to stay in the closet until by parents had died of old age.
Quickly the lying and secrets became too much for me and I came out. That was the best day of my life.

Being from Denmark, I was better off than you. Atleast I believe so. Danish people are very accepting and laid back.

The question becomes; are you able to live your life happily, while hiding your true feelings from everybody you care about forever? The obvious answer to that question is no. In which case, you might as well come out sooner, rather than later, and save yourself the burden of secrets.

Are you financially independent? Would you be breaking any turkish laws by being openly gay? If the worst-case scenario happens and your family kicks you out and disowns you completely, would you be alright?

Yeah, it's not good to keep it inside, but we dont know what' gonna happen when it's outsite. Will that make me happier or more sad? I dont know.
I'm financially not independent.
Theoratically, I dont break any laws in Turkey. Gay acts are legal, but if your boss knows about it, they wont hire you.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #4
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It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents. There is just one part of what you said that made me pause:

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Originally Posted by RomanticMan View Post
My mom talked to a doctor about homosexuality and transexuality. She was home and said '' I think I though wrongly about trans and gay people. I was angry with them, but I learned it's an illness. Now, I'm sorry for them.''
It's not an illness. I'm sure you know that, and hopefully if you come out you can convince your Mom about this. I mean I had the "are you sure it's not a phase?" conversation a couple of times from my Mum. It's a shame someone who's supposed to be in a respectable, trusted position as a doctor would tell her it's an illness because it's through these figures in society we're supposed to get well-informed information. I just wouldn't want your coming out resulting in your Mom feeling 'sorry for your illness' rather than pride in her son.

Please don't think I was being horrible towards your Mom there. I really wasn't, I don't even know her, I'm just annoyed at the doctor. I hope when you come out that she will support you.

I would just ensure that before you come out you have a support network - somewhere to stay, close friends etc who know what you're going to do - just in case it doesn't go to plan and your parents react in a way that you need to let them digest the information for a while. However hopefully they will be accepting. Either way, you'll have finally have come out, which is surely good for your health as keeping this secret long term can eat away at you.

Best of luck
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IanSaysHi View Post
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your parents. There is just one part of what you said that made me pause:



It's not an illness. I'm sure you know that, and hopefully if you come out you can convince your Mom about this. I mean I had the "are you sure it's not a phase?" conversation a couple of times from my Mum. It's a shame someone who's supposed to be in a respectable, trusted position as a doctor would tell her it's an illness because it's through these figures in society we're supposed to get well-informed information. I just wouldn't want your coming out resulting in your Mom feeling 'sorry for your illness' rather than pride in her son.

Please don't think I was being horrible towards your Mom there. I really wasn't, I don't even know her, I'm just annoyed at the doctor. I hope when you come out that she will support you.

I would just ensure that before you come out you have a support network - somewhere to stay, close friends etc who know what you're going to do - just in case it doesn't go to plan and your parents react in a way that you need to let them digest the information for a while. However hopefully they will be accepting. Either way, you'll have finally have come out, which is surely good for your health as keeping this secret long term can eat away at you.

Best of luck
I have a good relationship with my mom, especially. And yeah, they're good people.

It's of course not an illness I know that. If she repects me, I think I can really convince her that it's not an illness. she likes listening to my problems and likes talking to me. Honestly, medical schools here are said to be qualified ones, but they're just ignorant. and I would not expect a doctor saying such thing, either.
Here, illness is seen a good thing :D if you're ill, they respect you sometimes. For example, I know a authistic person, she starts dancing and do some weird stuff. We just look at each other and say like ''haha cute!''. So illness can even be an asset for a start, then I could convince her it's not an illness. I dont think you're horrible to my mom. you're as kind as you can be, and thanks for your support.

in a few months, I have a graduation and then I'll have my own place, maybe it would be more granted plan. it really eats me much. I have some LGBT supporter friends as well. But I still cannot tell them about it for some reason.

My classmates are also, in general, LGBT friendly. Because we're exposed to too much Western culture because of the department I study. And I hope I turn out to be a relaxed and more healthy person hehe .
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IanSaysHi (1 Week Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #6
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Generally, I would say if you are at risk physically, psychologically or professionally, you should wait until a better time.
Also, if you are dependent on someone else financially, you should wait until you are self supporting or sure they won't use their support against you to control you.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #7
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If you're still not financially independent of your parents, you shouldn't. Being gay in Turkey and where I live is basically similar, you're not gonna face any legal challenges, but you would have to endure hard time dealing with family, not to mention they would kick you out of the house .
I've taken part in a LGBT club in my town, they're super supportive, so coming out to everyone in the club was a deep relief. You should probably try it.
It's certain that coming out is not a piece of cake, and be patient, as soon as you have a job and make your living, telling your parents will be much less risky. In my case, my job is not really stable, so i'm not planning on telling my mum and dad soon, though I recently learned that my mum is pretty supportive to LGBT and my dad's never make any negative comments about gay people , but there's no absolute garantee that they would accept me being gay. So, i just wait
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #8
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firstly i would only do what keeps you safe - your parents are like any others and want the best for you , to only ever hear negative things about been gay is going to make it normal to hate whether your Muslim or devout christian , it not purely religion but some are less forgiving right now - have a get out if things do go wrong if you come out - at least a friends place you could go if things go wrong - hopefully this is not the case and your family rally around you
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ursa445 View Post
If you're still not financially independent of your parents, you shouldn't. Being gay in Turkey and where I live is basically similar, you're not gonna face any legal challenges, but you would have to endure hard time dealing with family, not to mention they would kick you out of the house .
I've taken part in a LGBT club in my town, they're super supportive, so coming out to everyone in the club was a deep relief. You should probably try it.
It's certain that coming out is not a piece of cake, and be patient, as soon as you have a job and make your living, telling your parents will be much less risky. In my case, my job is not really stable, so i'm not planning on telling my mum and dad soon, though I recently learned that my mum is pretty supportive to LGBT and my dad's never make any negative comments about gay people , but there's no absolute garantee that they would accept me being gay. So, i just wait
@Darius I'm financially dependent now.

In my town (not Istanbul), there is no LGBT club. I dont think I'll have a stable job. Maybe in the future, I move to one of those places, then it would be easier. it's a hard decision. I think all I have to do is to be financially independent. Then, I could make a better decision.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #10
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Originally Posted by matty7 View Post
firstly i would only do what keeps you safe - your parents are like any others and want the best for you , to only ever hear negative things about been gay is going to make it normal to hate whether your Muslim or devout christian , it not purely religion but some are less forgiving right now - have a get out if things do go wrong if you come out - at least a friends place you could go if things go wrong - hopefully this is not the case and your family rally around you
I think a friend's home will not be a permanen solution. Nobody would want you to stay with them for weeks without paying. If they dont respect, they will not give me money.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RomanticMan View Post
@Darius I'm financially dependent now.

In my town (not Istanbul), there is no LGBT club. I dont think I'll have a stable job. Maybe in the future, I move to one of those places, then it would be easier. it's a hard decision. I think all I have to do is to be financially independent. Then, I could make a better decision.
That's why you wait until you are independent if you fear your family will stop your financial support after finding out. Don't feel rushed to come out. You will do it when the time is right.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #12
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your mum knows you are gay so essentially you won't be coming out to her, you will be confirming her knowledge.
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Unread 3 Hours Ago   #13
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Hi! I'm Dagger!
And I say NEVER come out. Nobody needs to know! It's your business!
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