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Unread 1 Week Ago   #16
Alvin
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What you said can be boiled down to this question:

Which one do you believe, what he said or what you found out?
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #17
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Yesterday evening we had a long chat. I said (probably more drama queen than I'd like to admit):
"I should just kill my sex life off - I'd be a lot happier. I'm 50 years old and trying to be sexy is mutton dressed as lamb".
B said: "It isn't you. It's me. I'm just not able, mentally, physically, or emotionally"
He also said "You get grumpy not having sex these last 9 months - and the grumpiness puts me off sex even more. The more you want it, the more I don't want to give it"
The most disturbing thing he said was: "I don't give you emotional intimacy because you can't disassociate intimacy from sex. If I'm emotionally intimate, you might want sex and then get despressed when I reject you".
I'm embarrassed it has taken 8 months of constant rejection for me to finally realize there will be no sex life. Now I must decide if I can face being alone with 3 kids and 2 jobs, or just settle for his good companionship.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #18
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Well, not having a leech attached to your life will probably make it easier for you to have 3 kids, and you might end up not needing 2 jobs.

I'm hesitant to attribute motives to other people, but it sure sounds like he's a player. If 8 months isn't enough time to form some emotional attachment from him to you, then what do you believe another 8 months will show?

Don't believe that you'll end up alone, or that you have to "just settle" for companionship without sex. You are not that old, you have your life going for you. Get out and do stuff to meet new people.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #19
Sherlock
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The odd thing is, I was a celibate monk for over 10 years. I was able to suppress sexuality completely from 19-29. Now, I'm 50 and I find it nearly impossible to suppress the drive. I'm told I'm not unattractive, I have a PhD, 3 great kids I've raised on my own, and the confidence that I achieve my goals. Yet, the men I find attractive are seldom notice me. But I'm not sure if that's because I'm an introvert or just impervious.
Hookups always leave me feeling empty because of the disconnection of affection. How to grow old gracefully while not giving up - that is the question.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherlock View Post
The odd thing is, I was a celibate monk for over 10 years. I was able to suppress sexuality completely from 19-29. Now, I'm 50 and I find it nearly impossible to suppress the drive. .
Well yeah because you threw away your sexual prime missing out on a tremendous amount of fun, intimacy and affection. You may have dominated that part of your mind and silenced it but you didn't remove it's needs they just kept mounting up while you ignored them. What you've got my friend is a massive affection debt. Now the bills come due and it's time to pay up.

You've done a milder version of the same thing as all those guys who were in denial throughout their youth. You know the ones, you can find them on craigslist offering to pay 18 year old boys to let them perform oral on them.

Quote:
I'm told I'm not unattractive, I have a PhD, 3 great kids I've raised on my own, and the confidence that I achieve my goals. Yet, the men I find attractive are seldom notice me. But I'm not sure if that's because I'm an introvert or just impervious.
No I think it's probably more to do with your blatant lack of self-respect. That sort of vulnerability can be adorable and enticing in a young man but it ages very poorly.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #21
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Could it be that the 10-year celibacy is what makes you now impossible to suppress the drive? I think the more you restrain from it early on, the more you long for it later. However, it is natural to have sexual desire in your fifties. Is he asexual? If not, I find it contradictory that he has romantic attraction but no sexual one at all.

I agree with @kindy64. Don't believe that you'll end up alone. I prefer the term "aging", and we all are. I think you're already on your way growing old gracefully since you have, as you said, a PhD, 3 great kids, and the confidence. Maybe, to put it more specifically, that part of "aging gracefully while not giving up" refers to your frustration that the men you find attractive seldom notice you, which happens to everyone of us, more or less. It's not a matter of how old you are, but something more complicated-- it could be that the guys you find attractive are simply not into older guys. I assume it's a matter of preference. Don't take it too personally and thus look down upon yourself as unattractive.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that you can't make someone love you if they don't -- that, as far as I am concerned, is the question, and it is the question beyond control.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #22
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Unread 4 Days Ago   #23
Sherlock
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Thanks again to everyone who has responded. Forgive me if I'm being obtuse about the advice. I find it hard to decide to break up easily. I've been having anxiety attacks about this - but such separation anxiety is likely tied to my father's death 6 months ago and my brother's suicide 4 months ago (ironic, his suicide stemmed from fear of coming out).
Having said I have two jobs, I wasn't totally open. I'm a professor, but also an Anglican priest (yes, we are allowed to be married - gay or straight - at least in my diocese.
So, I have 25 years of pastoral experience and have officiated at over 600 weddings, etc. Having said that, I certainly have a blind spot on my own relationships.
'B' and I had an argument about our relationship recently. I asked him why he is still in this relationship when all he does is keep me away:
He lives in the guest room
If I cook, he cooks something separate for himself
If we go to gym together, he keeps headphones on
He dreads car rides with me because I annoy him talking about our relationship
He physically will not let me touch him
For the most part, he is totally emotionless, except for occasional anger/resentment
He admits to having no understanding of Empathy

Before we met, he was a professional sugar baby. He says he used sex to get a nice apartment, expensive gifts, exotic trips, etc. But, he says he loves me deeply and doesn't want to use sex that way again, especially with me.
He says he avoids intimacy with me because I link sex & intimacy. If he were intimate with me, I might get the wrong idea that sex would follow - then, rejecting me, I would get depressed. I asked him for "rules of contact" - what am I allowed to do? Kiss? Touch? Snuggle? He said he'd think about it. Still no response.
If he's just using me as a sexless sugar daddy, I'm just not into that. Yet, I have an intuition that he might be dealing with some big issues - untreated HIV or maybe he was sexually abused as a child.
If he's conning me, it's over. But, if he's a victim, I feel the need to give him time and space to heal. Unfortunately, I see signs of both.

Otherwise, he's a great housemate and he's great with my kids - he's even starting to talk about them as "our" kids.
When asked about the lack of intimacy/sex/affection, all he can say is "I'm simply not able emotionally or physically and I have no idea how long it will last.
He refuses to tell me much of his past, so I have no way of plotting any trajectory. He's never introduced me to any of the friends he's constantly texting, so I can't even ask them. He did introduce me to his parents - and they said I'm the first boyfriend they've ever met. Curiously, he tells me they sleep in separate rooms...
I'm worn out trying to figure this out. Even our therapist can't figure it out.
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Unread 4 Days Ago   #24
CorsacReborn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherlock View Post
Thanks again to everyone who has responded. Forgive me if I'm being obtuse about the advice. I find it hard to decide to break up easily. I've been having anxiety attacks about this - but such separation anxiety is likely tied to my father's death 6 months ago and my brother's suicide 4 months ago (ironic, his suicide stemmed from fear of coming out).
Having said I have two jobs, I wasn't totally open. I'm a professor, but also an Anglican priest (yes, we are allowed to be married - gay or straight - at least in my diocese.
So, I have 25 years of pastoral experience and have officiated at over 600 weddings, etc. Having said that, I certainly have a blind spot on my own relationships.
'B' and I had an argument about our relationship recently. I asked him why he is still in this relationship when all he does is keep me away:
He lives in the guest room
If I cook, he cooks something separate for himself
If we go to gym together, he keeps headphones on
He dreads car rides with me because I annoy him talking about our relationship
He physically will not let me touch him
For the most part, he is totally emotionless, except for occasional anger/resentment
He admits to having no understanding of Empathy

Before we met, he was a professional sugar baby. He says he used sex to get a nice apartment, expensive gifts, exotic trips, etc. But, he says he loves me deeply and doesn't want to use sex that way again, especially with me.
He says he avoids intimacy with me because I link sex & intimacy. If he were intimate with me, I might get the wrong idea that sex would follow - then, rejecting me, I would get depressed. I asked him for "rules of contact" - what am I allowed to do? Kiss? Touch? Snuggle? He said he'd think about it. Still no response.
If he's just using me as a sexless sugar daddy, I'm just not into that. Yet, I have an intuition that he might be dealing with some big issues - untreated HIV or maybe he was sexually abused as a child.
If he's conning me, it's over. But, if he's a victim, I feel the need to give him time and space to heal. Unfortunately, I see signs of both.

Otherwise, he's a great housemate and he's great with my kids - he's even starting to talk about them as "our" kids.
When asked about the lack of intimacy/sex/affection, all he can say is "I'm simply not able emotionally or physically and I have no idea how long it will last.
He refuses to tell me much of his past, so I have no way of plotting any trajectory. He's never introduced me to any of the friends he's constantly texting, so I can't even ask them. He did introduce me to his parents - and they said I'm the first boyfriend they've ever met. Curiously, he tells me they sleep in separate rooms...
I'm worn out trying to figure this out. Even our therapist can't figure it out.
Of course a therapist isn't going to help resolve the issue that you have with this guy, he's playing you for a fool. You're also using what he tells you to make excuses on why to give him another chance, and it sounds like you're more then willing to do this over and over again whilst stressing out about the whole situation.

You're trying so hard for a relationship which this guy clearly does not want on the same level as you, so to compensate for your feelings you enable this guy to live an easy life that he is now accustomed to in the hope that you're going to get what you want from this in the future. Stop being this guys "Sexless Sugar Daddy" and find someone that wants the same things as you, you deserve more and this guy definitely doesn't deserve you.

If anything else do this for your kids, as their parent you should be showing them an example of what a healthy relationship looks like and you're failing them with this guy. Kids look to their parents for guidance, even if they're not actively asking for it and you're showing them nothing but this fraud of a setup you call a relationship. I can't believe he talks about the kids as "our kids", just another tactic to play with your emotions.

Essentially you're just an "Enabler", you've criticised your "Sugar Baby" for giving nothing yet you're willing to continue to accept it. You're no better then him because of how you've handled this situation.

Also can you not see the mentality he has used against you to avoid anything happening in your relationship? He says its him, but then he's quick to say that it will make you depressed after he turns you down. He isn't sparing your feelings by doing this, he's manipulating the situation so you believe that you are to blame for this and you're happy to keep taking the bait.

You do not have a meaningful relationship no matter how much you protest in your head that everything will be okay. Kick this guy out, move on with your life and make your kids the number 1 priority for sometime before you seek another relationship.
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Unread 3 Days Ago   #25
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Maybe a strategy that would be acceptable to you would be to tell him to move out for a time while he deals with his intimacy and other issues. You don't owe him anything. If he is successful as you say, then he will be able to live on his own without financial support from you. It will be an eye opener for you if you do this.
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Unread 3 Days Ago   #26
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@Sherlock

Best advice I have for you at this time is for you to re-read everything you and everyone here has wrote...

He doesn't like talking about your relationship with him...
He doesn't allow you to touch him...
He doesn't buy anything or contribute (but he might be getting a job?)
He's openly admitted he doesn't understand empathy

Get rid of him already. Get a court order if you must (you might have to do that legally if he's been in your house long enough, yes this guy is likely to look up this kind of crap).
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princealbertofb (3 Days Ago)
Unread 3 Days Ago   #27
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A professional sugar baby?
Like a prostitute, he knows what he needs to do to get what he wants. With you he knows he doesn't have to use sex because he already owns you.
Now you have to decided if you are willing to live your life like this. You have your own issues to work through, which includes grieving for your father and brother. Do you really need this in your life?
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princealbertofb (3 Days Ago)
Unread 3 Days Ago   #28
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@Sherlock, I think one of the clinchers in your post is the fact that you are worried not only about yourself and how YOU will fare after he's gone, but how your children will take the separation. But I think this could be a reason for sitting every child of yours down and explaining the situation and why you need to send the 'guest' on his way. You may love him and you may feel guilty about giving him his marching papers but he IS using you and he knows exactly what to tweek to stay in the house and remain a leech. He's sucking the blood and life out of you, which ultimately won't be good for you. You'll be headed right for depression. I think you need to get your three kids on board and ask them to help you get over the parting, maybe by focussing on them and their lives a bit more while you learn to date again. I think you can be honest with your kids about the grieving too (your dad, your brother.... ) they will understand as they've been bereft too.

I suppose you could separate for a while so as to see if you can both manage your lives separately while you try to mend or turn your lives around. If you see that you really can't do without each other's company, then you can probably get back together. Methinks he'll have found someone else to be his source of sustenance, and then it'll be clear what you need(ed) to do.

I don't understand how he has inveigled you by first telling you or letting you believe his parents were dead, and now you've actually managed to meet the parents? That may be another loose thread that needs tying up. The relationship with his parents, if you think you owe it to them. They are probably glad that their son is in good hands, but it doesn't excuse his spongeing.

I have no kids myself but I did go celibate for 18 years before I met my partner. He has kids, and our relationship is nothing like the one you describe. There is love, there is sex and there is intimacy. There is even the family life. I don't think you should settle for less, especially if your sex life is important to you, as you mentioned. Depriving you of physical intimacy is tantamount to torture, mental and physical. I think you should ask him to leave, or at least to give you some time alone with your kids. They're YOUR kids, they've never been his, even if he's good to them and enjoys their company. Until you are both married, he is nothing to you or to your children legally. If you were married, you could probably get a divorce for the lack of sexual intimacy. So you really have the worst deal of cards in your hands right now. Even your therapit can't work it out? My advice would be to fold and cash in your chips.
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Unread 3 Days Ago   #29
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Just a question out of curiosity.
How did you both meet?
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Unread 3 Days Ago   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherlock View Post
If he's conning me, it's over. But, if he's a victim, I feel the need to give him time and space to heal. Unfortunately, I see signs of both.

Otherwise, he's a great housemate and he's great with my kids - he's even starting to talk about them as "our" kids.
When asked about the lack of intimacy/sex/affection, all he can say is "I'm simply not able emotionally or physically and I have no idea how long it will last.
He refuses to tell me much of his past, so I have no way of plotting any trajectory. He's never introduced me to any of the friends he's constantly texting, so I can't even ask them. He did introduce me to his parents - and they said I'm the first boyfriend they've ever met. Curiously, he tells me they sleep in separate rooms...
I'm worn out trying to figure this out. Even our therapist can't figure it out.
I still think you're the victim, out of the two of you.

Even if he's not conning you, this situation bothers you enough to post about it. At length. It seems to me that everything is on his terms. A relationship is more than sharing a home address, which is all you're doing.. right?
Think about yourself and your kids. The better they get to know him, the worse the breakup becomes for them too.

If he's damaged goods, then that's too bad. Fixing him is not your responsibility.
What is it about him that keeps you hooked??!
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