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Unread 15th May 2017   #1
JisthenewK
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Default Can't stop the hatred

This isn't much of a gay rights advice question. A little background- I was assaulted multiple times in middle to high school (partially because I was a closeted gay) so bad that I eventually got homeschooled and then dropped out, because I would have to go back to my old school just for a day to do the End of Course Exams. So many memories fused with my 2012 diagnosis of depression, anxiety, and OCD couple with a 2014 diagnosis of pyschosis, I can't let it go. I am taking my meds properly and we've even adjusted medications and tried talk therapy (always told to write a fucking diary), but in August when the school buses come out for the first time I started crying. I can't stop these flashbacks replaying in my head of all the events that happened to me at school and how even though I'm safe now, I can't help but have fits of rage and days where I don't want to even get out of bed. I called the schoolboard about a year ago to just let them know what all happened and that they need to do something for these poor kids that get molested, physically abused, gaslighted, and mentally tortured at school. It fell on deaf ears. So my question: How can I forgive and forget? I've felt like I have forgiven these people, but when I see them in public, it's like a match is lit in my mind and I have a shitty day. How do I recover from this? I don't know what to do. Sorry if I misspelled or used bad grammar in this as I was typing my thoughts quickly. Any help is appreciated.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #2
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Heavy post is heavy. But in all seriousness this is not an easy situation. You may want to consider seeking other professionals because you may be on the wrong medication, or have an improper diagnosis. Are your flashbacks so strong you relive the events? That would be PTSD which takes a long time to treat. Wouldn't hurt for you to seek out another opinion. You need some sort of guidance to help you recover and move on, not 100% cure but direct you and manage. For me, I attended group therapy for 2 months after being inpatient for depression. I had my meds adjusted twice and am fortunate I haven't needed any since then. This is just to give you some idea of where I'm coming from and where I'm trying to direct. Mental health is a struggle for many people, a lifelong battle. You will get frustrated, you will try things and it won't work out. You will have slip ups and setbacks, but it's part of the process.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #3
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Sorry should have made a TL;DR. I just felt as though I needed to really convey the message in detail.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #4
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When you have a big issue, a lot of detail is needed. It's almost impossible to make it too long.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JisthenewK View Post
Sorry should have made a TL;DR. I just felt as though I needed to really convey the message in detail.
I think he meant emotionally heavy.

What if you were to conquor your past abuse by getting the best damn life, in spite?
How old were you when you got those diagnoses?
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Unread 15th May 2017   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JisthenewK View Post
How can I forgive and forget? I've felt like I have forgiven these people, but when I see them in public, it's like a match is lit in my mind and I have a shitty day. How do I recover from this?
I agree with @Confuzzled4 ... this is a big issue and a difficult situation. You've been wounded. The physical wounds have probably mostly healed without leaving scars, the emotional/psychological wounds are still very fresh and open for you. Seeing these people are "triggering" the memories of these older wounding experiences. So, yeah, it is a big question, how do you let go and move on and not obsess or let your life be negatively affected.

I'm not a professional but I want to point out a couple things.

First, the very fact that you're aware that you're having these sorts of thoughts and feelings and that you see they're negatively affecting your life IS a very positive thing. Uncomfortable as it is, its better than *not* being aware and feeling totally victimized by your circumstances. You're asking the right question (although perhaps not in these words): "How can heal?" To me, that's a life-long question. Deep wounding leaves scars. Unlike physical scars, they are not visible to the naked eye. This is why they are so easily dismissed or misunderstood. That doesn't make them any less real.

Second, I think we all need to be very careful when using diagnoses. Yes, they can be very useful from the POV of understanding ourselves and perhaps the correct treatment. But we need to be careful that we do not *become* the diagnosis precisely because we've been told authoritatively that we "are" something or other. I'm convinced, for example, that "Attention Deficit Disorder" is an incorrect label; a misunderstanding of what's actually going on that says more about our culture than the person given that label. What I see in people who have (or have had) that label hung on them (I'm one of them) is that, yes, this has to do with "attention" but it isn't either a deficit nor a disorder. What it IS is a different KIND of attention, one that doesn't necessarily follow a logical progression or linear sequential path.

Just be careful how you THINK of yourself, what you TELL yourself is "true", especially if it limits you in some way. Yes, many of us are wounded creatures... but what matters is to what degree we're aware of this wounding and how we resolve to not let it totally ruin our experience of living. And, yes, it isn't easy. That doesn't mean it is impossible or not worth the effort. It is.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #7
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Hi, JisthenewK.

What you said reminds me of a video that I came across years ago, in which a gay man made a phone call to his childhood bully. In this video, he revealed his nightmare, saying that "My childhood in school-- I absolutely hated it. I hated every minute of it. All I wanted to do was to be this age right now." (00:38-00:46) But then he claimed that "I thought I would be a guinea pig for you to show that after time passes, you bullies end up just being normal people. They're not evil. It's not some scar that should remain there forever." (00:39-01:03) In case of spoiler, you might wanna check this video out on your own to see how this guy talked the issue through.





Of course, instead of forgiveness, you have every reason, though not recommended, not to forgive and forget. Just like Lee Chandler in Manchester by the Sea, he drowns his sorrows, which brings a quote to my mind: "It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it's mine." I sincerely hope that you will not be like him, for it is disheartening to see someone sunk in past -- a past that is not your fault. You deserve something much better.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuddly View Post
I think he meant emotionally heavy.

What if you were to conquor your past abuse by getting the best damn life, in spite?
How old were you when you got those diagnoses?
16 at the time of the anxiety and depression. 18 (I think) at the time of the psychosis. Thank you for your input, it's a good way to get revenge I agree. I have been trying to better myself.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #9
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Forgive me if I'm being ignorant or rude.

Do you think those diagnoses are valid or is it possible that you were diagnosed wrongly, based on symptoms of a poorly fitting (closeted gay) unstable teenager?
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Unread 15th May 2017   #10
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@Alvin, that's very interesting. I haven't watched the video, but directly confronting the people who did that to you might be the best option under the circumstances. And the fastest way to put it all behind you.


Kids are cruel. Often for no reason at all, but just to get their kicks and because they're bored. It will change (for some) once they live their own life where they have to take responsibility for their actions, and when they realize the world does not bend to their mood.


So I guess that would be my advice for the thread starter. Any way a direct confrontation would be doable?
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Unread 15th May 2017   #11
JisthenewK
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cuddly View Post
Forgive me if I'm being ignorant or rude.

Do you think those diagnoses are valid or is it possible that you were diagnosed wrongly, based on symptoms of a poorly fitting (closeted gay) unstable teenager?
You're not being ignorant or rude at all. I appreciate everyone's input. The diagnoses I think are right on, but I'm not a psychiatrist, so maybe it's time for a second opinion. It definetly seemed like the appropriate diagnosis at the time (depression/anxiety at least) and for now.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #12
JisthenewK
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meridannight View Post
@Alvin, that's very interesting. I haven't watched the video, but directly confronting the people who did that to you might be the best option under the circumstances. And the fastest way to put it all behind you.


Kids are cruel. Often for no reason at all, but just to get their kicks and because they're bored. It will change (for some) once they live their own life where they have to take responsibility for their actions, and when they realize the world does not bend to their mood.


So I guess that would be my advice for the thread starter. Any way a direct confrontation would be doable?
I can see myself doing it, but at the same time, even though I hate these people, I wouldn't know how to approach it. Like "hey you made me feel awful in school." Some of these were school personnel that let it happen and actually gas-lighted and blamed me for being bullied, so it would be very awkward to do that to someone much older than myself, but it might help letting them know, it will be very hard to express this though.
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Unread 15th May 2017   #13
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its basically PTSD your suffering im guessing buddy - therapy with the right people is what you may need - dont worry about the rest of the world and other people as you cant control what happens to them , just get your self the help you need first,
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Unread 16th May 2017   #14
Alvin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meridannight View Post
@Alvin, that's very interesting. I haven't watched the video, but directly confronting the people who did that to you might be the best option under the circumstances. And the fastest way to put it all behind you.


Kids are cruel. Often for no reason at all, but just to get their kicks and because they're bored. It will change (for some) once they live their own life where they have to take responsibility for their actions, and when they realize the world does not bend to their mood.


So I guess that would be my advice for the thread starter. Any way a direct confrontation would be doable?
Yeah. Like you said, kid are cruel. They are little monsters. I think a direct phone call might be good--telling them that you were actually hurt back then. If they seem to be ignorant, well...shame on them. Is it anyway similar to what is called "exposure therapy"? I am by no means an expert in psychotherapist. It's just a thought.

@JisthenewK Those school personnel suck. Again, it's really not your fault. Maybe it's helpful to let them know how badly hurt you were.
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Unread 16th May 2017   #15
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I would agree with others in saying it sounds like you have a form of PTSD, with the way you are triggered into a panic reaction by the buses. Not a professional, but I've seen it in others.

Take your anger and turn it into something positive in your life. Volunteer for a local gay center, or cause.
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