GaySpeak Gay Forums and Chat


Go Back   GaySpeak Gay Forums and Chat > Help and Advice > Need Your Advice

Need Your Advice (you can post anonymously in here! - requires >50 posts)

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 1 Week Ago   #1
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default Socialising Problem!!

Hello guys, i have a huge socialising problem only in my town. After i stopped hanging out with my 3 school buds i cant find other boys to hang out in my hometown. But it wasnt bothering me so long because i was in college in another city. I was staying in student dorms so boys were talking to me all the time, they were inviting me in bars clubs, we had a lot of sleepover nights where we were sleeping all together etc. Now after graduation i returned in my town and since 2015 i have a problem making aquaitances. The thing is everywhere i go, in my village, in another city, in the train, in the islands i can meet people within 3 minutes easily. In France 3 men asked me to dance in one night at a str8 bar. In my town i've been in 3 seminars, i've met 60 people, i went a trip to france with another 20 classmates from the seminars, i ve met a lot of men at work, but the thing never moves forward out of work, out of seminars, out of trip. They all say come on lets go out for a drink, a coffee and when i say yes the disappear. And they bump into me in the street and dont talk me. They turn their head from the different direction and leave.I ve tried it a lot, im gentle, funny, well dressed nice looks but always something stands between and blocks me. I have a family friend and he was a loner too. He went into one seminar and he met one popular guy who introduced him in his party and he became popular too and has 200 aquaitances from one single guy. And i have met 60 people and nothing. I met this popular guy, he liked me, i liked him, talked with everyone in his party but my friend had to leave so i left too because i didnt know them too well. Next time my friend invited me but i couldnt make it and since then my friend doesnt invite me when he goes out with his other friends. My city is full of bars and clubs i see everywhere beautiful men go out and have fun, and i wonder how come they know each other, laugh and when i try to talk to someone the only thing i get is a fierce look. I ve noticed that all the people i like dont like me. EG i went to the grocery store with my 65 year old aunt. In the street 8 neighbours greeted her even though she was in bad mood and the same people who know me since i was 4 years old when i pass the street they turn their heads away and they dont even say hi. If i greet them they dont look me and they spill a boring he...And this is driving me crazy. How come people are accepted as they are and i dont? I wanna meet boys and have sex but i dont know the way. Eveyone is unapproachable. I dont have any patience. Plus i see some of my old friends having anyone they want even for coffe, sex, relationship and i cant even have a single coffe. How am i gonna succeed to meet boys, have sex or relationships when i cant have them to meet me? An im getting jealous. And there's social media. All of my friends have 100-400 likes on fb profile photo, hundrend of comments saying you're hot, the best, Stud, or you rock girl and i have only 20-40 just likes without comments. Eg my bold-fat cousin has 200 likes from fit nice men and they commentate to him you're the best. What does he have that i dont? That's why my self esteem is low. And i hate my life. And i hate other people. And i hate everyone who is happy...................We all need good energy. If i cant receive good energy from compliments how can i be positive ? We dont produce positivity. We receive it. Im trying to solve the problem but i cant. Any ideas?
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #2
MHJG
Insane Poster
 
Join Date: Jan 2017

Single Gay Man
in Hong Kong (Hong Kong)

Age: 22 (Starsign: Taurus)

Posts: 105
My Mood: Inspired
Default

Your friends turn their head away when they encounter you on the street. It's not normal. Do they hate you or what? If I notice not just one or a few but many of my friends do the same thing, I'm sure there must be something wrong with me. I don't know you well so you better ask your close friends about that.

Forget about the social media. Never care about those likes or comments; real confidence doesn't stem from them. Personally speaking, Facebook and Instagram are like a showing-off platform to me. Many people love to post something they want to brag about, and that's why they are always 'happy'. Being jealous is normal human behaviour. I don't even use Facebook and Instagram now because I don't want them to affect my thinking and emotion. Some people say you can get many information or news from social networking. I think most of them are wasting time.

From the neuroscience perspective, you definitely have the ability to produce positivity. Your brain changes itself when you make an effort. People who are confident, assertive, and positive receive compliments. But the most important thing is they remain the same if there is no compliment.
__________________
Hallo. Ich heiße Manho.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
MHJG is online now   Reply With Quote
Thanking MHJG for his/her post...
bromance17 (1 Week Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #3
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default

Your friends turn their head away when they encounter you on the street. It's not normal. Do they hate you or what? If I notice not just one or a few but many of my friends do the same thing, I'm sure there must be something wrong with me. I don't know you well so you better ask your close friends about that.

My behaviour is always the same and nice to everyone. That's why im surprised. If i knew i wouldnt be posting in here eg There was a guy from my english class we used to hang out, whenever i was seeing him in the city centre i was transporting him with my car to the class in the suburbs. We talked on the phone about the exams and he always was saying hey lets go out. I said ok whenever you have free time call me and we'll go out. He didnt call. I didnt call. One year later I bumped into him on the street where he was trying to avoid me. I talked to him and he was irritated and in full irony. There's another girl that lives across the street and we were classmates. A lot of times i had lent her my books to read and pass the exams. Whenever i was seeing her she always was talking to me for about a 10minute. Suddenly after 7 years one day i saw her in a cafeteria she saw me and turned her head around. I went to greet her and she barely talked me. Then i left and whenever i see her i dont talk to her either. I asked them but they didnt help. Because they are socialised they say to me " Dont care" and change subject.Also everyone comes to me when he has break-up problems, or when he doeesnt have anyone to go out. But when i want to go out all these people that were clinging to me are busy because they have something better to do.

I know fb is a game but it is very addictive and i dont delete my account because i can communicate with my family, friends from another cities or relatives. I think that facebook boosts self esteem and creates arrogance. If you have 400 likes in a profile photo and 58 commments saying you're hot, the best bro, I love you etc eventhough if you are humble you may feel like a king. Yesterday out of a sudden one of my old classmates send me message saying "oh you have very little likes and all the same people commentate haha" and he ruined my mood. I answered him of course "check your eyes because you dont see too well" . Then i asked him "Are you alone"? He replied yes. Then I said it's too bad irony having so many likes but nobody wants to spend the night and sleep with you haha"
Really ? How is this possible to produce possitivity if all things in your life take the low road? with meditation or YOGA?
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #4
kindy64
Godlike
 
kindy64's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015

Bi Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Pendleton, IN (USA)

Age: 52 (Starsign: Leo)

Posts: 638
My Mood: Amused
Default

Mostly you change things by adopting a more positive attitude.

I'm wondering how much your local culture is affecting your success out in public.

Some people just look mean or bitchy by default. Are you smiling when you meet and greet people?
__________________
live and let live, do no harm, but take no shit
life isn't a destination, it's a journey
don't let fear decide your fate - AWOLNATION
kindy64 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #5
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default

There's also one more thing that drives me crazy. I dont do this but everyone does it to me. I behave nicely but other people dont . And i want to stop it. Eg My friend invite me for an out on monday night. I send message 5 hours before the arranged hour to confirm it. And the other person doesnt reply. I see that he has read the message an hour ago and the doesnt reply. And then i send "because something urgent came up and maybe i cant make it tonight" and bam in 3 secs he replies "Do you want to schedule it for another day?" They behave nicely only with the fear of losing me? Actually they just induce me to behave them arrogantly and bad, because when i treat them well they ignore me. They get bored. I cant cope with that. I have a more simple brain. I want honesty. My word is a contract and i want when someone says something to do it. Otherwise dont say it.
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #6
MHJG
Insane Poster
 
Join Date: Jan 2017

Single Gay Man
in Hong Kong (Hong Kong)

Age: 22 (Starsign: Taurus)

Posts: 105
My Mood: Inspired
Default

@bromance17
I really can't comment on your friends' behaviour. I'm sure some of them are immature and impolite. If you're sure you didn't give your friends bad feeling before, ignore them.

About the positivity, I just share my experience. The past year I had a really stressful life. To stay positive, I read other else successful stories and believe I can be one of them. It gave me hope and motivation. You can say I'm trying to learn from others.

Also, I do regular exercise to shape myself both mental mind and physical body. You definitely can do meditation and yoga (I want to try them too lol). My mood is better, and my body is healthier. Even I didn't become noticeably muscular. People can see that I feel better and more confident. This is what my friends told me.

I find my interests too. I draw, practise calligraphy, and read books about things I like. I'm an introvert, and I know I don't need many friends next to me. Sometimes I think knowledge gives me positive thinking and confidence. I always feel awkward when many strangers around me like when I'm taking the train. Once I read my book, I forget anything outside the books. Overall I just feel better.

I'm not sure my experience is relevant haha... I hope you can get some idea.
__________________
Hallo. Ich heiße Manho.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
MHJG is online now   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #7
seeking
Unstoppable
 
seeking's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011

Single Gay Man
in NT (China)

Posts: 281
Default

If you make a friend several years ago, wasn't really that close, and then stop contacting during all those years, it's not shocking they become distant.

where is your home town and where do you come from exactly ?

Btw it would be nice if you can make paragraphs and organize your passage a bit. It is tiring to read.
seeking is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #8
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kindy64 View Post
Mostly you change things by adopting a more positive attitude.

I'm wondering how much your local culture is affecting your success out in public.

Some people just look mean or bitchy by default. Are you smiling when you meet and greet people?
Yes Im smiling to everyone i greet. But most are afraid of smiling and dont reciprocate. Local attitude?Hmm..People in my hometown are petty. They look at you sideways and not directly. EG when i was in a smaller city in college people were greeting me from 3 meters away. Most of them i didnt even remember who they were and still were saying hey man have a nice time, smiling and laughing. As for these who suddenly stopped talking to me i dont talk to them either.
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #9
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default

[QUOTE=seeking;708851]If you make a friend several years ago, wasn't really that close, and then stop contacting during all those years, it's not shocking they become distant.

where is your home town and where do you come from exactly ?

Btw it would be nice if you can make paragraphs and organize your passage a bit. It is tiring to read.[/QUOT
They live in my neighbourhood and all those years they were greeting me all the time. Thats why it seems bizzare to me. I didnt know them and then we got lost..

the whole passage is one paragraph.It wouldnt be neccesary to further classification!!!
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #10
MikeW
An Avuncular Legend
 
MikeW's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014

Single Gay Man
in Berkeley (USA)

Age: 69 (Starsign: Capricorn)

Posts: 2,667
My Mood: Psychedelic
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bromance17 View Post
the whole passage is one paragraph.It wouldnt be neccesary to further classification!!!
Actually, you're quite wrong about that. A lot of what you say doesn't make any sense. If you are as irritating in person as you are in one single post, no wonder people are ignoring you.
__________________
.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Want to know how I discovered I was "gay" at age 16, 1964?
https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=33392
MikeW is offline   Reply With Quote
Thanking MikeW for his/her post...
deephiance (5 Days Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #11
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeW View Post
Actually, you're quite wrong about that. A lot of what you say doesn't make any sense. If you are as irritating in person as you are in one single post, no wonder people are ignoring you.
I didnt ask for your rude opinion. Learn some manners and then start commentating.
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #12
MikeW
An Avuncular Legend
 
MikeW's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014

Single Gay Man
in Berkeley (USA)

Age: 69 (Starsign: Capricorn)

Posts: 2,667
My Mood: Psychedelic
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bromance17 View Post
I didnt ask for your rude opinion. Learn some manners and then start commentating.
Not the least bit surprising that you experience honest opinion as "rude" and "bad manners." Your whole rant is about being a victim of other people's rude behavior.

Bottom line: You can't change other people. We do well to change ourselves. Until you understand what YOU are doing to contribute to their attitude toward you, that attitude will persist.

Can't take the heat? Stay out of the kitchen.

And BTW, there is no such word as "commentating".

Edit to add... actually you did ask for our opinions:

Quote:
Originally Posted by bromance17 View Post
Any ideas?
And where the hell you get the idea that we only receive, not produce, positive energy (again, no such word as "positivity"), is beyond my comprehension. Just one example of many things you say that make no sense.
__________________
.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Want to know how I discovered I was "gay" at age 16, 1964?
https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=33392
MikeW is offline   Reply With Quote
Thanking MikeW for his/her post...
deephiance (5 Days Ago), Doc (4 Days Ago), LJay (2 Days Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #13
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeW View Post
Not the least bit surprising that you experience honest opinion as "rude" and "bad manners." Your whole rant is about being a victim of other people's rude behavior.

Bottom line: You can't change other people. We do well to change ourselves. Until you understand what YOU are doing to contribute to their attitude toward you, that attitude will persist.

Can't take the heat? Stay out of the kitchen.

And BTW, there is no such word as "commentating".

Edit to add... actually you did ask for our opinions:



And where the hell you get the idea that we only receive, not produce, positive energy (again, no such word as "positivity"), is beyond my comprehension. Just one example of many things you say that make no sense.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/positivity
http://www.wordreference.com/engr/positivity
You can check on these 2 dictionary links and see that positivity is a word.


I dont want to fight with you because i respect older people. Ok im sorry if this passage agitate you.
Do you think that this is the problem? I act as other people's victim? If you spot anything else it'be cool to hear
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 1 Week Ago   #14
MikeW
An Avuncular Legend
 
MikeW's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014

Single Gay Man
in Berkeley (USA)

Age: 69 (Starsign: Capricorn)

Posts: 2,667
My Mood: Psychedelic
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bromance17 View Post
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/positivity
http://www.wordreference.com/engr/positivity
You can check on these 2 dictionary links and see that positivity is a word.
Very well, on that point I stand corrected.


Quote:
I dont want to fight with you because i respect older people. Ok im sorry if this passage agitate you.
Do you think that this is the problem? I act as other people's victim? If you spot anything else it'be cool to hear
I don't know you as a person, of course. All I know are the words you provide here, and even that is open to interpretation and subjective opinion.

What I look for is how self-aware someone is. I'll try to explain what I mean.

People tend to "blame" other people or, much to the same effect, "blame" themselves for life problems. But what if "blame" is irrelevant? What if what IS relevant is self-awareness and taking responsibility for one's actions and manifestations? What if what IS relevant is trying to see one's self as objectively as possible? (Not easy, obviously, as we are all burdened with our own personal histories, scars, baggage, fears, prejudices, distorted perceptions of ourselves and others, and so on.)

What I don't see in the words of your OP, is any hint that you're aware of how you come across to people. How it is that you, yourself, are contributing to the very thing you're complaining about.

The trick in trying to see ourselves objectively is to NOT fall into the trap of "blaming" ourselves or becoming a victim of our own self-criticisms. You mentioned having a low self-esteem. This is what I'm talking about. Being objective simply means we SEE clearly and OWN certain facts about ourselves... without self-incrimination or self-judgment. I see, "Oh, I behave this way and that contributes to how other people see or react to me."

It's not that there is anything "wrong" with you... we're all free to be, behave or manifest however we wish. But when it comes to other peoples' reactions to how we are, how we present ourselves, they're free to do as they wish as well. The question is, are we OK with their reactions or not? IF NOT (and clearly you're not ok with it), then we have to self-aware enough to ask the relevant questions in a non-blaming or self-incriminating way: "How do I contribute to the way other people see me and treat me?"

This question can't be answered in the abstract. It's not a guessing game of 'it might be this, it might be that'. Rather the question needs to be asked from the point of view of self-observation. If I become self-aware, I *see* directly what I'm doing, how I'm behaving, how I manifest... and I see directly how other people 'react' to it. THEN I can decide, "Am I ok with this or not?" Is this getting me what I want or not? It's not a judgment, it's simply a practical question. If I want people to relate to me differently than they do, then in what way do *I* need to be different with them?
__________________
.

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Want to know how I discovered I was "gay" at age 16, 1964?
https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=33392
MikeW is offline   Reply With Quote
Thanking MikeW for his/her post...
kindy64 (1 Week Ago), MHJG (1 Week Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #15
bromance17
Veteran
 
Join Date: Mar 2017

Single Gay Man
Posts: 66
Default

[QUOTE=MikeW;709022]Very well, on that point I stand corrected

What I don't see in the words of your OP, is any hint that you're aware of how you come across to people. How it is that you, yourself, are contributing to the very thing you're complaining about.

Im trying to reach self awarenes. Sometimes when im with my popular friends in a place i observe them. I look what they are doing. Imagine like coming out of my body and see everything from above. What i came to conclusion is that they behave as i do.They do nothing more nothing less. They do not have anything better. I have better looks, nicer outfit, nice personality, i smile, i have positive energy, i say better funny lines but my friends even when they dont talk, even when they're mad/grumpy they have everyone adore them because they have something i dont have. Eg. My girlfriend she is like me but because she is a girl and we live in a homophobic city everyone gives her attention. Girls want to be with her, and boys want to sleep with her.
One of my gay friends he is very ugly, smells bad but because 1st he lives in Athens (gay friendly city) 2nd) he says stupid things all the time and 3rd)he is a millionaire a lot of gay men approach him. In college he was meeting gay men because he knew all the proffessors and all gay men approached him for a reason. Another cousin is popular because he is in the army and he is a sergeant. My low self esteem was created by other people's demeanor. I know i shouldnt rely myself on other people's view but of course it's affecting me.
I may seem lame but the problem is my luck . Im not pessimistic in front of others. In front of others im very extroverted but nothing happens. Even if i try to meet someone or not. I meet gay men from common friends but they dont show any interest. They talk to me boringly, vague and dont continue talking. And i see them hanging out with people i think they are worse than me. And i say is this possible? They like them and not me? Some other times they prefer my friends over me. And then i get frustrated. In the past i was working in a supermarket. There was a guy i liked but he had a bad timing. Everytime he talked to me i was mad and very abrupt to him because 5 minutes ago i was reprimanded by my boss. Everyday this man saw me in my bad mood but he was happy to see me, he was greeting me from 10 meters away and always was hugging me. He liked me so muchh that he overlooked my bad attitute. Thats why i believe that being accepted is up to the others. If they like you even if you are killer, they'll like you.

Hope it wasnt quite exhausting to you !!!!!!
bromance17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

GaySpeak Gay Forums and Chat > Help and Advice > Need Your Advice


Tags
problem, socialising

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
What's the problem? LONDONER Chit Chat 25 18th July 2015 07:37 am
Is alcoholism and excessive drinking a problem where you live? Tulloni Chit Chat 26 9th April 2014 06:46 am
Problem with Friend marsyas Need Your Advice 0 17th July 2010 08:35 pm
Never Buy A Peugeot 206 zeon Chit Chat 11 18th December 2009 12:17 pm
3 Guys, 3 situations, 1 Problem Marky Confession Room 20 14th November 2009 10:31 am



©2017 GaySpeak.com