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Unread 1 Week Ago   #1
baristajedi
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Gay Woman in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Edinburgh (UK - Scotland)

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Default Hi there

I'm new here. I joined this site to find a space where I can connect with other LGBT folks.

I'm gay, I came out just 2 years ago. It's completely changed my life, I was married to a man and we're now separating, we've a small child as well.

Right now my life is starting to get a bit more settled but still working through the separation. I've got a wonderful amazing girlfriend. My daughter's dealing well so far with separation and my ex and I are finally starting to be on better terms, and sorting well through practical stuff.

When I came out I was totally alone, I had no real friends around and I live far from family (across the ocean), but I reached out to the lgbtq community here and now I I have a really amazing support system of friends.

I have a lot to be grateful in my life.

I'm just here looking for more connections with the LGBT community.

So... hi!
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #2
IanSaysHi
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Hey @baristajedi - welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing a bit about you

Just so you know, until you reach 50 posts there's a random moderation 'feature' so some of your posts might take ages to appear, or not appear at all. Once you reach 50 posts this will stop. There's a section called word games where you can post loads of rubbish till you get to 50 if you want to.

Hope you enjoy your time here, it's a nice forum.

Ian
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #3
baristajedi
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Gay Woman in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
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Hi thanks for responding to my post, and thanks for letting me know about the 50 post thing.

just from lurking, everyone seems quite nice.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #4
LJay
 
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Welcome here. A jedi on caffeine sounds interesting!
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #5
baristajedi
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Gay Woman in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
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Age: 38 (Starsign: Sagittarius)

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LJay View Post
Welcome here. A jedi on caffeine sounds interesting!
Thanks

Haha yep, barista by day jedi by night. keeps things interesting.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #6
Alvin
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Welcome to GS-- a place full of queering people.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #7
baristajedi
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Gay Woman in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alvin View Post
Welcome to GS-- a place full of queering people.
Hi and thanks for the welcome

I realised only after posting that I'm like the only lady here on this site..... lol oops, I feel a bit silly but, maybe I'll stick around anyway?
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #8
Alvin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baristajedi View Post
Hi and thanks for the welcome

I realised only after posting that I'm like the only lady here on this site..... lol oops, I feel a bit silly but, maybe I'll stick around anyway?


Why not? I am sure there are other gay women. Plus, you can share with us(men) your stories. I am more than happy to hear from you.
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常怀千岁忧。
昼短苦夜长,
何不秉烛游。
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #9
baristajedi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alvin View Post
Why not? I am sure there are other gay women. Plus, you can share with us(men) your stories. I am more than happy to hear from you.
Ok then maybe I'll stick around happy to share... what do you dudes want to know?
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #10
Darius
 
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I hope you stick around.

Maybe you could just tell us about your journey as a gay woman. When did you know you were gay?
Did you think marriage to a man would work for you? How did your husband respond to the news and the break-up? We have a couple (or more) gay men here in straight relationships (marriages, too) who have come out since marrying and now reconsidering. I can't imagine what it would be like.

You did say to ask, so I did.
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baristajedi (1 Week Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #11
baristajedi
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Join Date: May 2017

Gay Woman in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Edinburgh (UK - Scotland)

Age: 38 (Starsign: Sagittarius)

Posts: 94
My Mood: Cheeky
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darius View Post
I hope you stick around.

Maybe you could just tell us about your journey as a gay woman. When did you know you were gay?
Did you think marriage to a man would work for you? How did your husband respond to the news and the break-up? We have a couple (or more) gay men here in straight relationships (marriages, too) who have come out since marrying and now reconsidering. I can't imagine what it would be like.

You did say to ask, so I did.
Hmmm, I'm an open book, so I hope you don't regret asking…

So - it depends what you mean by "know" I'm gay. I had believed I might be gay from age 10, with my first crush on a girl. But I had some traumatic experiences as a kid and I sort of shut down a lot of my emotions in terms of sexuality and so on. I just went through the motions instead, dated boys and didn't really come to a point where I thought about it deeply until around age 18 (although I'd had crushes on girls, had lots of other things that should have made it all really obvious, but as I said I shut down a lot of those emotions anyway).

By the time I started thinking about it again, I thought I was likely bi, because I'd already dated guys. Dating guys was ok, not horrible, but there was always something missing, off. From there I battled with understanding my sexuality, but I continued dating guys, experimenting with women a bit, and eventually getting married and having a kid. By the time I came out I was starting to feel like I was drowning, and losing myself completely in my life path. I was really unhappy in my life, I hated my marriage, I felt empty, like I couldn't even recognise myself, and I couldn't stop thinking about the need to be with a woman. I started thinking that if I were to continue on as is, I would have to drown my feelings in alcohol to get through each day… that's when I knew I needed to make changes in my life.

I came out about 2 years ago, not as gay, but as strongly questioning my sexuality, but finally acknowledged I'm gay about a year ago, and that's when my ex and I decided to separate. The big hesitation in that year's time was, I knew if I acknowledged I'm gay, that was the end of the marriage. It was a struggle but I knew it was absolutely the right thing.

When I came out as questioning (2 years ago) - my ex was worried/nervous but suddenly became the best husband you could want. Suddenly he was mr. supportive, communicating well, being more affectionate, doing more around the house.

BUT…. When I came out as gay, it was totally different. He lost it. He had all this seething anger. We have had to separate very slowly for a lot of logistical reasons, and this has been one hell of a stressful year. The last 2 years honestly have been, because before that I was constantly thinking about how to come to terms with everything.

Just in the last 3 weeks, my ex-husband and I have been becoming like great friends again. We're becoming a real team for our daughter. And he even jokes about the things that have broken up the marriage. It's a huge shift. I couldn't have imagined this 6 months ago.


I can't imagine not having come out. My life has changed dramatically. Even with all the stress and chaos, I feel like a full person finally. I can finally be myself, I can feel real love, I just feel fuller, life has more meaning. I would never go back to the way it was before. But I'm also over my regrets… I have had a good life. I struggled with my sexuality for a lot of reasons, but it's made me who I am. And I have my daughter.
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Alvin (1 Week Ago), Bookworm (1 Week Ago), Cridders88 (1 Week Ago), Cuddly (6 Days Ago), IanSaysHi (1 Week Ago), LJay (1 Week Ago), princealbertofb (5 Days Ago), seeking (3 Days Ago), trywait (1 Week Ago), Zen (1 Week Ago)
Unread 1 Week Ago   #12
Alvin
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Age: 26 (Starsign: Cancer)

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Quote:
Originally Posted by baristajedi View Post
Hmmm, I'm an open book, so I hope you don't regret asking…

So - it depends what you mean by "know" I'm gay. I had believed I might be gay from age 10, with my first crush on a girl. But I had some traumatic experiences as a kid and I sort of shut down a lot of my emotions in terms of sexuality and so on. I just went through the motions instead, dated boys and didn't really come to a point where I thought about it deeply until around age 18 (although I'd had crushes on girls, had lots of other things that should have made it all really obvious, but as I said I shut down a lot of those emotions anyway).

By the time I started thinking about it again, I thought I was likely bi, because I'd already dated guys. Dating guys was ok, not horrible, but there was always something missing, off. From there I battled with understanding my sexuality, but I continued dating guys, experimenting with women a bit, and eventually getting married and having a kid. By the time I came out I was starting to feel like I was drowning, and losing myself completely in my life path. I was really unhappy in my life, I hated my marriage, I felt empty, like I couldn't even recognise myself, and I couldn't stop thinking about the need to be with a woman. I started thinking that if I were to continue on as is, I would have to drown my feelings in alcohol to get through each day… that's when I knew I needed to make changes in my life.

I came out about 2 years ago, not as gay, but as strongly questioning my sexuality, but finally acknowledged I'm gay about a year ago, and that's when my ex and I decided to separate. The big hesitation in that year's time was, I knew if I acknowledged I'm gay, that was the end of the marriage. It was a struggle but I knew it was absolutely the right thing.

When I came out as questioning (2 years ago) - my ex was worried/nervous but suddenly became the best husband you could want. Suddenly he was mr. supportive, communicating well, being more affectionate, doing more around the house.

BUT…. When I came out as gay, it was totally different. He lost it. He had all this seething anger. We have had to separate very slowly for a lot of logistical reasons, and this has been one hell of a stressful year. The last 2 years honestly have been, because before that I was constantly thinking about how to come to terms with everything.

Just in the last 3 weeks, my ex-husband and I have been becoming like great friends again. We're becoming a real team for our daughter. And he even jokes about the things that have broken up the marriage. It's a huge shift. I couldn't have imagined this 6 months ago.


I can't imagine not having come out. My life has changed dramatically. Even with all the stress and chaos, I feel like a full person finally. I can finally be myself, I can feel real love, I just feel fuller, life has more meaning. I would never go back to the way it was before. But I'm also over my regrets… I have had a good life. I struggled with my sexuality for a lot of reasons, but it's made me who I am. And I have my daughter.
Hi, baristajedi. Thanks a lot for sharing with us. It seems that you've been through a lot. Glad that you made it through! May I ask, after divorce, whether you want to start a relationship with a woman? Do you mind being called "lesbian" instead of "gay woman"? Do you find these two terms different to you? I know little about gay women expect for a book I read a while ago, in which it focuses on "female masculinity" with a close examination on "tomboy" and "butch". Are these two offenvie to you? What term would you identify yourself with? Or maybe you don't want to be confined by any term?

I have too many questions. :D I am indeed a Mr. Curiosity.
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常怀千岁忧。
昼短苦夜长,
何不秉烛游。
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #13
Dan1980
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Hi welcome to GS
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #14
Alvin
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Single Gay Man
in Shanghai (China)

Age: 26 (Starsign: Cancer)

Posts: 211
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Hi @baristajedi

I did receive your message via email notification, but it's been moderated here since you're new on this website. (in case of spam I guess).

As @IanSaysHi said, and I quote,

Quote:
Just so you know, until you reach 50 posts there's a random moderation 'feature' so some of your posts might take ages to appear, or not appear at all. Once you reach 50 posts this will stop. There's a section called word games where you can post loads of rubbish till you get to 50 if you want to.
I will write you back after I get some sleep. It's past midnight now in Shanghai. Again, enjoy your time here!
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生年不满百,
常怀千岁忧。
昼短苦夜长,
何不秉烛游。
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #15
Bookworm
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Hello baristajedi, welcome to the forum

There are other female members but none are active anymore sadly; hoping they reappear at some point but new folks join all the time, so you'll have to be the trailblazer for them
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