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Unread 30th January 2017   #1
Jess
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Excuse me for this long, long, long post. But I need some advice. Or maybe just to share my story.

It began 1,5 year ago when I met this guy online. We started chatting and hit it off immediately. Whenever we could, we agreed to go online and talk (which was quite difficult since I also work during the night twice or three times a week). Anyway, after a few months we exchanged phone numbers and we called almost every day. He had told me during our first online contact that he was 24 (I was 28 at the time) and that he never had a gay relationship before. Not even kissed a guy before and because of that he was a bit insecure, which I could tell during our phone calls.
After months of calling and texting I found myself thinking about him constantly. He was a shy and very friendly guy. And the pictures he send me... oh my god! He was very very easy on the eyes with a georgeous smile and teeth! :-)
So, two months ago I asked him to meet me. Somewhere public, so he would feel comfortable. After two days he called me back and told me he was okay with that. We decided to go to dinner and since he lived 2 hours away I agreed to drive to his hometown and meet him at the restaurant.
Once I got there, he was already waiting outside. And although he definitely was the guy from the pictures, I could immediately tell that he looked much younger in real life. And that he was...
After saying hello I told him that he did not look 25 and asked him if that was true. He got so nervous and after what feels like half an hour of silence he told me he was 17!!! I turned 29 during the time we had contact, going on 30. The only thing I could think about was how I spend almost 1,5 year thinking about this guy and how I, to be honest, was falling in love with him. I know this sounds silly because of the fact we never met, but I really liked this guy.

I said to him that I was very dissapointed that he lied to me all that time and that I drove 2 hours to meet someone who was not the guy I expected to see. At least, age wise. And asked him what he expected would happen once I saw him. He said that this was exactly what he expected but that he really wanted to see me and that I was on his mind all the time. Anyway, we stood outside for I think 45 minutes in which he was too afraid to say something or even look at me. And since I got a little angry I felt sorry for the boy and asked if he would like to go in, eat something and then I would leave again. We talked and talked and he told me that during the time we had online contact, I did not ask him about his age for a couple of weeks. And when I finally did, he liked talking to me so much but knew I was 28 at the time. So he told me he was 24. Afraid that I would break contact otherwise.
At the end of the evening I said goodbye and drove the two hours back, constantly thinking about the gorgeous, friendly and shy guy sitting across the table from me... the 17 year old guy!!! Although he was very mature for his age in conversations, he was only 17.
Halfway home I received an enormous text (like this post ;-) in which he appologized a million times, understood that I was angry but telling me that he had a great evening, finally meeting up. And that he understood if we didn't meet again but if it was okay that he called me sometimes.

To make this long story not any longer: we did meet again. And again. And again. And I am crazy about this guy. And he is 17... a fact that constantly gets into my mind whenever I see him. I don't know how to get over that, or if I want to get over that. But fact is, he is the last thing on my mind when I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I get up in de morning. Not knowing what to do about this entire situation makes me crazy!!

I'm sorry if my English isn't perfect by the way. It's not my first language. And I'm sorry if I made somebody fall asleep ready this book :-)

Jess
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Unread 30th January 2017   #2
InbetweenDreams
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I do like it when people are honest about their age. Not sure what the country you live in but 17 here in the states they are regarded as a minor... add in the whole gay thing and legally speaking things can get really bad quickly.

Age gap alone becomes a less of a problem as one gets older, but in the meantime I'd just stick to talking you are nearly double his age. Most people in the USA and probably many European countries would find a 31 year old dating someone under 18 a bit disturbing. Not to be mean but something to keep in mind, even when he's 18 people will probably gawk at that fact.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #3
meridannight
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My partner lied to me about his age initially. He made himself about 10 years younger. I couldn't tell until I saw his birth date, and by then I already liked him, so it didn't matter. He's older than I am and I guess he thought I wouldn't go with him if I knew his real age.

Of all the lies, I think the age thing is pretty innocent and you can let it slide if you like the man. A lot of people seem to be stuck up about age anyway, so I can get it why some would lie. Not saying I think one should lie, but when you have gay guys going around and saying things like ''not even going to look in the direction of someone over 30'' then they're kind of asking being lied to. (Not the case with you, obviously. Just something that connects to this subject).

17 would be too young for me, for sure. But if you like him, that's all that should matter.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #4
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When Gideon and I first met, I was 19 and he was.... well, lets just say that the age gap for us is as significant as the age gap between you and your boy, yeah? He's older. A good deal older. Sometimes, for some people? That works. It works for Gid and I, and has for the past 8+ years now (we're creeping up on 9 years this spring).

Only YOU can decide if it's ok to date someone significantly younger than you, yeah? No one else can decide this for you. The only issue I see is the one already mentioned. He's a minor in many countries, which means any sort of sexual behavior with him could end up with your ass in jail and a record that will follow you for the rest of your life.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #5
Jess
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InbetweenDreams View Post
I do like it when people are honest about their age. Not sure what the country you live in but 17 here in the states they are regarded as a minor... add in the whole gay thing and legally speaking things can get really bad quickly.

Age gap alone becomes a less of a problem as one gets older, but in the meantime I'd just stick to talking you are nearly double his age. Most people in the USA and probably many European countries would find a 31 year old dating someone under 18 a bit disturbing. Not to be mean but something to keep in mind, even when he's 18 people will probably gawk at that fact.
I understand that the age difference in these stages in life can be disturbing to others. In fact, when I hear 17-30, even I think this is a lot!! But being in this situation makes it hard to just see the age gap. There is so much more to this guy than just the '17' label.

Where I'm from, the age of 17 is considered being an adult (gay or straight, no difference) so by law there would not be a problem. Since I'm a police officer, I double checked that before meeting him for the second time

On one hand, the fact that he is 17 and never even kissed a guy before kind of excited me (is this very wrong for me to say?). On the other hand it's exactly what's holding me back.
Damn, it's making me crazy!!
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Unread 30th January 2017   #6
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Hi Jess. Lots of people have been lied to online. In your case, you started talking to a guy when he was 15. He must have been very mature to carry that lie off if he fooled you.
If you had been 40 and he was 30, you probably wouldn't care about the age difference, right?
So, the age is not the difference. In the two years you talked to each other before meeting, how sexual was the chat? I ask because it could be an issue.
I could be wrong, but it seems like he was a dumb kid wanting to talk to another gay person. Maybe he likes older guys and maybe you just happened to be the guy he connected with first. Only he knows that.
Just go slowly and get to know each other well before going to far.
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Jess (31st January 2017)
Unread 30th January 2017   #7
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Hi Darius!
Yes, he is mature for his age. And he did fool me, it absolutely never crossed my mind that the guy I was talking to might be a lot younger. Only his appearance once I saw him made me question his age.
He had a rough year the year before we started talking online. That was the reason why he went online in the first place. Insecure about the fact that he was gay and never even kissed a guy before (which makes more sense since I know his real age). He wanted to talk to someone.

During our online and phone contact, sex wasn't really a subject we talked about much. He had never had any sexual contact with anybody so not much to talk about :-)

The age gap itself (although it is 12+ years) maybe isn't the problem, but 30-42 is different that 17-almost 30. Still... can't get him out of my head.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #8
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Both of you love each other. Why not have a try? If it doesn't work out, then leave. Or you two are perfectly matched. Make it simple. It's not easy to meet someone you truly love.
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Jess (31st January 2017)
Unread 30th January 2017   #9
Jess
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TwisttheLeaf View Post
When Gideon and I first met, I was 19 and he was.... well, lets just say that the age gap for us is as significant as the age gap between you and your boy, yeah? He's older. A good deal older. Sometimes, for some people? That works. It works for Gid and I, and has for the past 8+ years now (we're creeping up on 9 years this spring).

Only YOU can decide if it's ok to date someone significantly younger than you, yeah? No one else can decide this for you. The only issue I see is the one already mentioned. He's a minor in many countries, which means any sort of sexual behavior with him could end up with your ass in jail and a record that will follow you for the rest of your life.
Thanks for the reply! Good to know that it can work out. Sexual contact with a 17 year old is not illegal where I come from. Since I'm a police officier, that would otherwise have been a deal breaker for even meeting him again after our first 'date'. I know I'm the only one here that kan make a decision on how to go further, but it's hard... getting different advice from friends. That's why I'm here :-)
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Unread 31st January 2017   #10
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I don't think an experienced guy in his late 20s together with a virgin guy in his teens could be a dynamic of equals. Maybe neither of you is looking for an equal. Think about how much you changed between age 17 and age 25. Think about all the different kinds of guys you (may have) dated in that time. Chances are, he will also grow and change a lot through these times. Biologically speaking, his brain will not fully mature for another 12 years.

I think it's the campsite principle that is relevant here: if you do choose to be with him, make sure you leave him in a better state should this relationship come to an end.
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Unread 31st January 2017   #11
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I'm not sure but what advice are you looking for?

You are seeing him, though not involved sexually yet. Make sure you take things at his pace, and not your own. Make sure he is comfortable proceeding with whatever goes on. You will need to teach him how to be in a relationship, sex being but a part of it.

The age gap between my fiance and I is 31 years. He's now 21, and I am 52. He gets a lot of grief from his friends, family, and acquaintances on social media. We do get stared at a bit in public, although a lot of times it's directed at him (he glams it up with hair extensions, makeup, and fake nails.)
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Unread 31st January 2017   #12
Jess
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This entire situation scares me to be honest. I'm afraid. Afraid to get in a relationship that has no future according to most of my friends. Afraid that if I take the chance, he will regret his first relationship en possibly experiences being with 'an old guy'. Afraid that if I eventually initiate some sort of physical contact, he is too insecure to really let me know if he wants it.

To let you guys in in my background a little: My last relationship ended 3 years ago by the death of my partner (had been sick for the last 2 years of our relationship). Damian (the 17 year old) is the first guy that has me interested in 'love' again ever since. I had two dates during the time I had contact with Damian (before meeting him). Great dates, nice guys but the first thing I did when I got home again was check to see if I had any texts or give Damian a call. Those two guys did not get to me the way Dami does. And that is kind of a big deal I think.

Two days ago he kissed me. Outside, against a wall somewhere, after a restaurant dinner. And OMG... he had me shaking on my knees. If felt amazing. And weird/wrong at the same time, kissing a boy and not a man. Well... Tonight we meet again if I finish work on time. And I think I'm more nervous and insecure than he is...
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Unread 31st January 2017   #13
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Since the relationship do not lead you into any legal trouble, why not. 11 year gap is not that big, although that would creat some challenge in your relarionship, but even close-age couples have their problem too.
Just try breaking the ice with him, then you make your decision
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Unread 1st February 2017   #14
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I'm going to clarify what I said earlier. While a greater than 10 year age span relationship is not a big deal when both are legal consenting adults. It is a big deal when 1 is not a full adult. In most of the world 18 is that number.

To further clarify I would recommend you stay friends but don't start any physical / sexual relationship till he is fully 18. You don't state what country you live in. And I find this whole thread extremely questionable.

There are 2 issues - Age of Consent + Position of Trust.

Regarding age of consent - understand that for the US, age of consent is 18, both in the US, and internationally (see below).

"Authorizes fines and/or imprisonment for up to 30 years for U.S. citizens or residents who engage in illicit sexual conduct abroad. For the purposes of this law, illicit sexual conduct is defined as commercial sex with or sexual abuse of anyone under 18, or any sex with anyone under 16.[2][5][6][7][8][9] Previous US law was less strict, only punishing those having sex either in contravention of local laws OR in commerce (prostitution); but did not prohibit non-commercial sex with, for example, a 14-year-old if such sex was legal in the foreign territory."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PROTECT_Act_of_2003

With your profession you should be concerned about the legal definition of having a "position of trust."

The "position of trust under 18" anti-exploitation rules were expanded in 2005 by Bill C-2 where a judge may choose to term a situation to be sexual exploitation based on the nature and circumstances of the relationship including the age of the younger party, age difference, evolution of the relationship (how it developed, e.g. quickly and secretly over the Internet), the control or influence over the young person (degree of control or influence the other person had over the young person). This passed before the 2008 amendments, and they were not repealed so they are still in effect and can apply towards adults in these situations with young persons over the age of consent and under 18 (16-17).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_o..._North_America

In the area I live, 2 male teachers / coaches were successfully prosecuted based on when their relationship with a female student started. While the youth might be 18 now, both of these guys had their lives ruined based on the "position of trust" clause.

Being a Police Officer is a position of trust. Just like a HS coach, teacher, or Doctor.
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Unread 1st February 2017   #15
Jess
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I live in the Netherlands. Legally, the age of 17 is not going to be an issue. Age of consent is 16 over here.
But, even if I had decided to take a chance on him, sexual contact was out of the question for me. Not (just) because his is 17 and I'm 12 years older, but I think he is too young and insecure at the moment to make a decision about that right now. I'm afraid he would consent to things just to please me and would regret is afterwards. So no, sex wasn't going to happen any time soon anyway. I have to admit I kissed him. Well, he kissed me but I didn't do anything to stop him. Perhaps a wrong decision, but it happened.

About the trust issue, actually never thought about it that way. But I can see my job fitting in that category.

Anyway, during my shift yesterday I talked to my colleague, he is also one of my closest friends, about it. He told me his view on the contact with Damian which made me think about this entire shitty situation I'm in again.

I drove the two hours to Damian last night. Went against all my feelings and told him I was not the guy for him. Not right now, not in this stage in his life. I think I broke his heart (and mine) but it feels like te right decision at this time. But boy... do I like this guy!!!! Promised him we keep contact, which I will.

Already got 6 messages from him last night and this morning. Some on which I don't know how to respond. I feel crappy!
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