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Unread 28th January 2017   #1
verysimple
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Default Did I just get cheated on? Advice needed ASAP

You remember the guy I told you about in my last thread? We have been going out for about two weeks now, we were just texting and he told me that he went to his friend's place ... There, they had a small party going and he had fun with someone there. He then told me that he wasn't "In his right mind" and that it happened by chance... So I'm guessing he was drunk when it happened?

I told him that I appreciate him telling me but I don't know what to think and that we will talk about it later..
I really have no idea what to think, this is the first time this ever happened to me ... What do I do? because we have been seeing each other for only two weeks and we didn't define the relationship so we aren't really exclusive or serious ..

However, on my side, I have been messaged by a few people and I had the potential to go fool around with them but I would cut them off instantly because I didn't want to ruin what I would potentially have with him and he would pop into my mind every time someone flirts with me ... I also deleted Grindr and other dating apps because I'm seeing someone and I'm not interested in talking to other people...

I still have no idea ... Should I take this seriously? Should it be something that doesn't count cuz we're not really in a relationship? Should I just forget about it and continue seeing him? Or just stop seeing him and go have fun with other people like he did?

I would love an advice right now, as I am very confused and don't know what to do? ...
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Unread 28th January 2017   #2
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Well being that he was drunk and I'm assuming pretty young, people make mistakes. Usually though giving 2nd chances that early into the game just means they'll do it again...

Me personally...eh I guess it depends but I would think for me it would mark the beginning of the end. Very few couples recover from that sort of stuff, some do....some have open relationships.

If you're not really in a relationship, haven't really made anything official, then that does changes things. Kind of hard to hold that against him because then it really isn't cheating at that point. Until it is said, "hey I really like you I want you to be my bf and blah blah blah" ... probably words I won't hear without out me saying "huh?! I can't hear year, speak into the other ear." Anyway, until that happens you can't expect anyone to be faithful when nothing has been established.

Now what I do, which is because I'm a hopeless dum dum, is I don't talk to other guys or anything so long as I'm interested in another... I may as well be a nun. ugh. I just, for me, pointless to try to strike up something with another person. Tried it...multiple times and was miserable... although the type of people they were simply did not fit me at all which didn't help. I tried because things were not official and I guess the reality was that things any other way were unlikely... but I'm still hopeful. I still want to picture it perfect and seeing myself fulfilling their dreams and vice versa and being person I ought to be and all that tear jerking crap...and well yeah does upset me at times because it is the one fucking thing I can't control, should not attempt to sway or force in any way. I mean I could give away everything I own, sell my soul to the devil... but then at times I wonder if I'm kidding myself. Anyway, much better to not let the mind wonder there and just try to enjoy the road...wherever it goes. Isn't always easy, the road is long and easy to take your eyes off the road.

Anyway...where was I going with this. I think people just should be less serious. I think until you and he make some kind of known commitment to each other why not see other guys, if you think that is going to help. It didn't help me, I assume you really like this guy. If you don't like him that much now, eh you might find someone else that suits you better. Just realize, hey your 21 and you're supposed to go have fun, just be safe... I wouldn't try getting into a serious relationship, not saying it can't or shouldn't happen, just unlikely... Hell I'm 30 and still most guys in my region aren't really looking for that sort of thing. Most still want to screw around, but to me it just makes sense to seek a partner. Everything is half as hard, and when you do find someone who is a good match, everything is twice as fun. The hardships that come don't hardly out weigh the happiness.... I mean if me and whoever I wind up with, someone who I love and so on, lost everything and were living in a car, yeah would be rough but I would still stick with him...and hope he would with me. Love isn't about posessions or how much money someone makes, granted does make many things easier, but can bring other problems to the table...

Anyway, getting way off subject and making this way too long.

Bottom line is take a step back let things play out.. I don't see his playing around to be a good thing, means he might not be as into you or more than likely immature which means rough waters ahead until he grows up.

Sorry for the long post..
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Unread 28th January 2017   #3
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If he is not your boyfriend he is not exactly beholden to you. I would say until the point you two are together he is basically a date/FWB. Although since your doing things like ignoring others and deleting grindr, seems you are taking the possible relationship more seriously than he is.

I would find a good moment and ask if he wants to be your boyfriend, and if soo, awesome!
If not, re download grindr and look for someone else while he decides/changes his mind.
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verysimple (28th January 2017)
Unread 28th January 2017   #4
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Well the first thing to do is figure out what you want. Then you can figure out if this guy fits in with that. When you have expectations for a guy it's important that he knows them. Don't ever assume that a guy can read your mind. Communication is key.

Regarding what happened, seems like no big deal given what you've told us. Sounds like the two of you are both figuring out what you want.

Just please always play safe.
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Unread 28th January 2017   #5
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Did you already get together and agree to be in an exclusive relationship?
If no then you haven't been cheated on. Establish those rules now.
If yes then you probably shouldn't trust him.

But the most important question is Do you still feel able to trust him?
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Unread 28th January 2017   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by verysimple View Post
we didn't define the relationship so we aren't really exclusive or serious ..
It really doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, or how you behaved, at this point. You guys didn't have an exclusive agreement. You clearly admit that you were "not really in a relationship". So there is no offense to debate over.

If you want to be exclusive with him, then sit down and have the talk. Make it exclusive and make sure both of you are interested in the same thing and that "exclusive" means the same thing to both of you.

IF you do that? You can't hold this incident against him as "he's already cheated once". You weren't in a relationship, no promises had been made, thus no promises have been broken.
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InbetweenDreams (28th January 2017), princealbertofb (28th January 2017), verysimple (31st January 2017)
Unread 28th January 2017   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by verysimple View Post
You remember the guy I told you about in my last thread? We have been going out for about two weeks now, we were just texting and he told me that he went to his friend's place ... There, they had a small party going and he had fun with someone there. He then told me that he wasn't "In his right mind" and that it happened by chance... So I'm guessing he was drunk when it happened?

I told him that I appreciate him telling me but I don't know what to think and that we will talk about it later..
I really have no idea what to think, this is the first time this ever happened to me ... What do I do? because we have been seeing each other for only two weeks and we didn't define the relationship so we aren't really exclusive or serious ..

However, on my side, I have been messaged by a few people and I had the potential to go fool around with them but I would cut them off instantly because I didn't want to ruin what I would potentially have with him and he would pop into my mind every time someone flirts with me ... I also deleted Grindr and other dating apps because I'm seeing someone and I'm not interested in talking to other people...

I still have no idea ... Should I take this seriously? Should it be something that doesn't count cuz we're not really in a relationship? Should I just forget about it and continue seeing him? Or just stop seeing him and go have fun with other people like he did?

I would love an advice right now, as I am very confused and don't know what to do? ...
I think you've defined the rules of your current relationship quite well. Obviously you only can decide whether this is serious or not and whether you feel more committed to each other than before. The fact that he told you gives me the impression that he wanted to be honest with you and that he realises he might have jeopardized your relationship. I don't know if that means letting him get away with it scot free or not. Only you can decide if it doesn't really matter or not.

However, I suppose, even after only two weeks of seeing each other, maybe your relationship needs further definition and further rule enforcement. You have to decide on that together. Do you really want to know every time he strays? Do you want him to be / feel able to stray? What are YOU looking for in this relationship? If it's monogamy, then he needs to know it and he needs to assess whether he thinks he can do it and whether he thinks you are worth giving up all fun with others for.

Other than that, do you think you can handle a relationship in which you both have the latitude to go and seek sexual gratification with other men or even couples or groups? If so, what is the rule in terms of self protection? (which ultimately means protecting your current and usual partner-s too).

If you go for a time of probation (ie a time during which, maybe a few weeks, or a few months, you can have adventures outside your relationship, then these rules need to be applied too, obviously. It would be a good idea to let him know that this situation has left you confused because it is an issue about 'trust'. So basically, if you set some rules between you, are you going to be able to trust him? And he you? Remember that the more freedom you afford him (but that means affording you the same freedom, of course), the less likely he is to throw away a good situation if that's what you currently share. Maybe he should try to curb his drinking if it's going to be a problem with his personal judgement? You could suggest that to him. But be diplomatic.

Take care, have fun and be aware that it can be a complicated situation, until you both commit to one another.
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verysimple (31st January 2017)
Unread 31st January 2017   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by princealbertofb View Post
I think you've defined the rules of your current relationship quite well. Obviously you only can decide whether this is serious or not and whether you feel more committed to each other than before. The fact that he told you gives me the impression that he wanted to be honest with you and that he realises he might have jeopardized your relationship. I don't know if that means letting him get away with it scot free or not. Only you can decide if it doesn't really matter or not.

However, I suppose, even after only two weeks of seeing each other, maybe your relationship needs further definition and further rule enforcement. You have to decide on that together. Do you really want to know every time he strays? Do you want him to be / feel able to stray? What are YOU looking for in this relationship? If it's monogamy, then he needs to know it and he needs to assess whether he thinks he can do it and whether he thinks you are worth giving up all fun with others for.

Other than that, do you think you can handle a relationship in which you both have the latitude to go and seek sexual gratification with other men or even couples or groups? If so, what is the rule in terms of self protection? (which ultimately means protecting your current and usual partner-s too).

If you go for a time of probation (ie a time during which, maybe a few weeks, or a few months, you can have adventures outside your relationship, then these rules need to be applied too, obviously. It would be a good idea to let him know that this situation has left you confused because it is an issue about 'trust'. So basically, if you set some rules between you, are you going to be able to trust him? And he you? Remember that the more freedom you afford him (but that means affording you the same freedom, of course), the less likely he is to throw away a good situation if that's what you currently share. Maybe he should try to curb his drinking if it's going to be a problem with his personal judgement? You could suggest that to him. But be diplomatic.

Take care, have fun and be aware that it can be a complicated situation, until you both commit to one another.
Your reply was so on point and it was the best ... actually last time we went out he told me not to go and have fun with others merely because it bothers him and he would be pretty upset if i did, but then when we left the cafe he told me about someone asking for his number which kinda pissed me off cuz he seemed pretty chill and laid back about it, like he didn't mind it.. I told him he seems cool, he said that it happens all the time so it's no big deal.. But it kinda WAS to me cuz we were out on a date and someone else asks him for his number? I also told him that he seems like he isn't emotionally ready to be involved in a relationship to which he instantly agreed nodding his head, saying "Yes" then he hesitated and was like .. "but not for long" I told him "For a year or so?" he paused and then hesitantly said "Maybe less, like a month or so"

so apparently he is very indecisive about what he wants and is swinging back and forth between serious relationship and just fun .. So I made it clear to him that we are swinging between friends with benefits and a serious relationship cuz we have those moments where we are pretty serious and other moments where we fool around and do stupid stuff (Mainly, him cuz I haven't done anything yet)

So I told him that for now, we are friends with benefits and dates... And I will have fun just like him to which he said no and changed the subject...

Anyways, yes... I don't think he'll be serious enough to be involved just yet and I won't force him to do anything... However, I'm always there with the intention to be serious but no way in hell can he tell me not to go have fun while he does.. That will push me away and not want to continue seeing him anymore. He doesn't get to call the shots! So next time we see each other, I'll tell him I'll fuck whoever I please, just until WE decide to stop and move to the next step to get serious... In all reality, it's up to him really when he learns to not shove his cock in every mouth that opens up to him .. Cuz I know I am mature enough to see a hot guy but not sleep with them out of respect to him and cuz he is in the picture. Boys will boys I swear!
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Unread 31st January 2017   #9
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Sounds like he plans to fill that month with other guys.
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Unread 1st February 2017   #10
verysimple
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Originally Posted by Darius View Post
Sounds like he plans to fill that month with other guys.
GOOD. I hope he enjoys himself all the way!
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Unread 7th February 2017   #11
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One of the more concerning things here is that you say he wants to apply different rules to you. He is allowed to do this but states he's uncomfortable if you do the same. That is a maturity issue and may be something to seriously consider when thinking long-term.
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Unread 7th February 2017   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by verysimple View Post
GOOD. I hope he enjoys himself all the way!
I doubt you would have started this tread if you really felt this way.
You stopped hooking up with other guys because you felt this relationship was meaningful and I imagine you hoped he felt the same way.

People are usually on their best behavior when a relationship is new and exciting.
Don't you have to wonder if he will ever be able to keep his pants on? Will you be okay with that?
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