GaySpeak Gay Forums and Chat


Go Back   GaySpeak Gay Forums and Chat > Help and Advice > Need Your Advice

Need Your Advice (you can post anonymously in here! - requires >50 posts)

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 15th April 2017   #1
MsDad
 
Join Date: Apr 2017

Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Candler (USA)

Age: 53 (Starsign: Gemini)

Posts: 1
Unhappy Hurt, angry and unhappy. Help!

My husband and I have been together 19 years. Sex has always been an issue as I've always had a high sex drive and his has mostly been low. Now sex may be once a week if I'm lucky. And he shows no affection at all. Earlier in the week I tried to initiate sex and as is the case most of the time, he said no. The next day his back started bothering him, to the point I had to drive him to work for two days. Obviously I didn't try to initiate anything because of his back. Last night I went to church. He was supposed to be studying for a course he's taking. Instead, when I got home he was watching a movie and hadn't studied at all. I came to the bedroom to change clothes and when I put dirty laundry in the basket, I found a pair of his underwear he had used as a cum rag. Then this morning, I walked into the bathroom. He happened to be in the shower and guess what he was doing..
This is not a new thing in our relationship and it's always troubled me. I'm the same person I was 19 years ago. I love him but this is pushing me to the brink. He doesn't show me affection, like I mentioned earlier, won't touch me unless there are other people around, and kissed consist of three (always) little pecks on the lips. There is zero passion and it's clear he wants sex, just not with me.
I've suggested counseling but he won't go because "we don't have a problem." I've talked to one of our pastors, who suggested trying again to get him to get help and that if said no, she would confront him privately. I'm to the point I really want to leave but we've invested so many years and our lives are complexly intertwined. It would be a difficult and lengthy extrication. I still love him and believe he still loves me. I know he's not cheating. I know where he is every minute of every day (except when he goes to lunch but I can see those charges to the bank account).
Advice anyone?
MsDad is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 15th April 2017   #2
seeking
Unstoppable
 
seeking's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011

Single Gay Man
in NT (China)

Posts: 291
Default

Did you ask him directly why and how did he respond? Ask him why he jerk off but still won't have sex with you, directly.

Tell him in a serious manner that, while he doesn't think you two have a problem, YOU THINK YOU HAVE and it's bothering you to the point that you feel like you can't continue the relationship (which is true) and observe his reaction.

You need to get him to respond otherwise you would just stuck thinking about it yourself without any resolution and answer. And if he refuse...it shows that how much he actually values this relationship.
seeking is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 15th April 2017   #3
meridannight
John Wick
 
meridannight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014

Single Gay Man
in Age: 33 (Italy)

Posts: 2,754
My Mood: Sneaky
Default

So -- he's pleasuring himself into his underwear and in the shower, but won't have sex with you? That is not an acceptable behavior in a relationship. Clearly he wants sex; why he doesn't want to have it with you, though, only he can answer that. You have to confront him on this issue. Really confront him, not let him get away with some lame excuse about how he thinks everything's okay. Everything is NOT okay, and you need to make that clear to him. He appears to be detached from the reality of the relationship between you by how he says you two ''have no problems'' and just ignores the whole subject.
__________________
''Do I look civilized to you?''
meridannight is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 15th April 2017   #4
deephiance
Godlike
 
Join Date: Nov 2016

Single Gay Man
in Gold Coast (Australia)

Age: 48 (Starsign: Libra)

Posts: 621
My Mood: Amused
Default

You can't help someone until they are ready to accept that there is a problem.

The threat of leaving him may be the catalyst needed?
__________________

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 1 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
deephiance is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 20th April 2017   #5
Jaimeindallas
First Time Poster
 
Join Date: Apr 2017

Gay Male Couple in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Dallas (USA)

Age: 46 (Starsign: Scorpio)

Posts: 1
My Mood: Angry
Default GROWLr

Hi I don't know how to use this but my husband was on GROWLr and he said somebody stole his pic and created acct I say liar but need advice he does have history of cheating about 8 years ago thanks please help
Jaimeindallas is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 20th April 2017   #6
Cuddly
 
Cuddly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014

Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Private (Denmark)

Age: 28 (Starsign: Aries)

Posts: 1,632
My Mood: Angelic
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaimeindallas View Post
Hi I don't know how to use this but my husband was on GROWLr and he said somebody stole his pic and created acct I say liar but need advice he does have history of cheating about 8 years ago thanks please help
Make your own thread!

To OP:
Firstly, did you ask him point blank and tell him that this hurts you? I'm guessing you have, as suggesting counselling comes after that.. really...

What about spice? Are you open to introducing new elements? Toys, not people. Porn together?
Can you have that conversation?
__________________
Gay by nature. Proud by choice.
Cuddly is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 20th April 2017   #7
TigerLover
Godlike
 
TigerLover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015

Single Bi Man
in Coventry (UK - England)

Posts: 714
My Mood: Amused
Default

Maybe he's addicted to masturbation or pornography?

Either way unless he's willing to work on the problem your relationship is doomed.

If you truly value your relationship then you will get the truth even if you have to pry it from him.
TigerLover is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 3rd May 2017   #8
IndividuellaUni
Veteran
 
Join Date: Feb 2016

Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Northeast (USA)

Posts: 40
My Mood: Breezy
Default

Yes - you two need to have a sit down and an honest discussion.
IndividuellaUni is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 3rd May 2017   #9
Darius
 
Join Date: Nov 2014

Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Midwest (USA)

Age: 32 (Starsign: Sagittarius)

Posts: 1,769
My Mood: Amused
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TigerLover View Post
Maybe he's addicted to masturbation or pornography

Either that or he could be acting out sexually with other guys online. He is having his sexual needs met somewhere else.
I remember reading somewhere how some guys find sex with another person as too much work, so they resort to self pleasure, where they feel they have more control over time and effort involved. I think for some people the sex is all about the orgasm, they don't seem to enjoy the journey, only the destination.
Darius is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

GaySpeak Gay Forums and Chat > Help and Advice > Need Your Advice


Tags
angry, hurt, unhappy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Going to do it !!! lonley Coming Out 133 6th August 2015 06:19 am



2017 GaySpeak.com