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Unread 29th January 2017   #1
Anonymous
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Default I can't trust my friends because they do drugs (I'm not). Am I unfair?

I am posting anonymously because it's most probably offensive to people who consume drugs.

For terminology let's just establish that with "drug" I mean illegal drugs, and not "just" cannabis, but cocaine, crystal meth, ecstasy and some stuff I never heard of.

I seem to be the only guy in my circles that has never tried any drug and never will.
I can't fathom why someone would consume something off the hands of criminals, where he can't be sure what it really is, or what it does with him. I just can't believe it and never will, I have huge issues with this.

It makes me both, worried about my friends, and in the end I am losing my trust in them. In fact I don't trust them because of this. But since all my friends seem to be doing drugs, and they seem normal otherwise and I really like them, I must assume that the whole gay world is doing drugs and I'm the weird one who doesn't, and it makes me feel like an alien.

Why I can't trust them? Because I don't trust people who take such a huge risk just for "fun". It is damn serious for me. I can't laugh about it.

On the other side, I really like them and I feel if they knew what I think about illegal drug consume, they wouldn't want me to be their friend anymore. Like I already think they find me uncool for not doing drugs.

I have never seen them doing stuff, just always hear about it, so it also never happened that they saw me not doing it, but it all makes me feel like I'm in the wrong circles.
But then, everyone seems to do it....... just not me. I thought I was a cool and liberal guy but apparently I'm not, because I'm not cool with doing drugs and never will be.

I just was out with some of my friends, and when the topic came up, they talked as if it was the most normal thing in the world, with a cheery face, talking about consuming cocaine. I was just shocked and tried to not let it be too obvious that I have serious issues with it.

Now my questions:
Do all the cool people really do drugs?
How can I feel well with them if I'm both worried about their and about my safety?
Am I taking this way more serious than it is?
Am I unfair in seeing them as untrustable?
And if they all do drugs except of me, that should probably mean they look down on me and that I don't belong to them, right?
Or how the fuck can you be a non-druggie among druggies, that's just impossible right?

I feel so angry, worried, odd and non-belonging at the same time.
But I won't ever try a drug, that's for sure.
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Unread 29th January 2017   #2
InbetweenDreams
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
Now my questions:
Do all the cool people really do drugs?
No not all "cool" people do drugs.
Quote:
How can I feel well with them if I'm both worried about their and about my safety?
You can't... I mean I'm assuming you're not just talking about people smoking a joint and ordering pizza... I know some might disgagree with me on here but hard shit, cocaine, meth, etc can really lead to a lot of problems...
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Am I taking this way more serious than it is?
Hard to answer that question for sure, but if your friends are doing hard drugs, I would say no and you probably should move on.
Quote:
Am I unfair in seeing them as untrustable?
If they're into hard stuff it is a matter of time before they might consider say stealing money or worse yet if you're out driving around with them could get caught up in a crime. Not trying to scare you or be irrational here, but I've seen plenty of this kind of crap where I live and hey I used to smoke pot and there were some sketch people and I'm glad I got away from that for many reasons.
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And if they all do drugs except of me, that should probably mean they look down on me and that I don't belong to them, right?
Who knows. They might suspect you being a narc if they ever get busted.
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Or how the fuck can you be a non-druggie among druggies, that's just impossible right?
No not so. However, get some new friends. Be careful. Not sure what kind of crap exactly your friends are into...you might elaborate on that. I mean if it is just weed, probably not nearly that big of a deal, but other stuff can be a real problem for your friend's and yourself.
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I feel so angry, worried, odd and non-belonging at the same time.
But I won't ever try a drug, that's for sure.
Ok here's the thing. We all want to belong. I'm into so many different things and hobbies that I don't fit into one particular group. I have a friend with is in the same boat sort of speak. Stop worrying about fitting in and stay true to what you're passionate about, go after that.
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Unread 29th January 2017   #3
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People in general are untrustworthy and make poor judgment calls, not just those with drug habits, illegal and otherwise.

I don't look down on you for refusing to do drugs. You have solid reasons and I applaud you for sticking by your principles. But your seeming to dismiss others for their decisions puts me off a bit. Just because you're inclined to write them off doesn't mean that everyone who partakes in drugs is going to write you off in the same way for the same reason (for being different).

You're not the only gay person not doing drugs. And most everyone has at least experimented with drugs regardless of their sexual orientation. I can't help but think you just need to move in a different social circle rather than about everyone (at least everyone gay) is snorting their brains out.

And it's been a long time since I ever looked at any personals, but are they no longer several ads demanding that any who contact them be "drug free"? There always seemed to be plenty of those (and disease free, drama free, etc) back when I used to glance at them out of curiosity.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #4
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heh, pix, that should just be called D3Free (Drugs, Disease, Drama free.)

My friends and I had a friend who was totally straight when it came to drugs, and drinking. He wouldn't partake, except for the occasional beer or glass of wine. We were all pot smokers, and everyone else but him and I would occasionally do coke. Nobody ever looked down on him for not joining in. And he never looked down on us for doing it.

There are many reasons never to do drugs, job requirement being a big one, but it's a personal choice. Can you trust your friends who do drugs? Using drugs should not be an automatic disqualifier. In general, if a person lies, cheats, steals, then I wouldn't trust them, whether they are a drug user or not. If they are an abuser, I would tend not to trust them, as their drug of choice is their master, and they tend to do anything to get it.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #5
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I'd like to explain why I have issues with "trust" here.
I don't think that people who do drugs are bad people. Quite the opposite is the case, I am worried because apparently a lot of good people are doing drugs.

From my ever-sober perspective, the difference between "never doing illicit drugs" and "trying an illicit drug once" is bigger than "trying it once" and "being addicted".

What gives me trust issues are these points:

1. If you ever decided to try a drug, that means that you are generally willing to put yourself into a highly risky situation, because of the direct effect on your mind and body, the indirect effect on your body where you put yourself into dangerous situations under the influence of the drug, and then because of the effect on your environment, because of what it might make you do to the people around you.
Of course I have less trust for people who are willing to take risks "for fun". Especially when I care for them, it makes me feel my care is wasted. I explicitly have issues with illegal drugs, because you can't absolutely be sure what's in, as you can be sure with a bottle of beer or with a pack of cigarettes.

2. If you do drugs, so I read and heard on many places, you do things that you normally wouldn't do. This includes horrible stories such as cutting off body parts, killing people, being unaware of a life threatening danger, etc. I don't think I've ever been around someone who was high at that moment (apart of cannabis), so I wouldn't know what to expect. I know what it feels like to be drunk, so I can relate when someone is drunk. I know what it feels like to be high on caffeine, so I can relate to that. But I am very afraid of what a beloved person would do under illegal and mind altering drugs, that I otherwise trust and care for.

Under the line, what gives me the biggest trust issues is A) the drugs and their effects on them and their environment, not their sober selves. However, B), the fact that their sober selves are willing to give up control and do A) in first place, is already enough to feel insecure about them.

Again, I have no issues with bad people doing drugs, I have issues with good people doing drugs, because I care for them. Sure, it's their body, it's their brain, it's their consequences if something goes bad, but it can also be me who they want to injure because they think I'm a monster or whatever.

And in the end, doing illegal drugs also means purchasing them, and thus they are dealing with criminals, and laying their lives in the hands of criminals.

How the fuck can I trust regarding all of the above.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #6
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Do you (or would you) feel the same about someone who took part in other, legal, but very risky recreational activities? Bungee Jumping, Scuba/Deep Sea Diving, Skydiving, Ski Jumping, Heli-Skiing, Cliff Diving/Base Jumping, Boxing, Summit/Rock Climbing, Motorcycle Riding.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #7
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@kindy64

YES, absolutely YES.
Even more so, I have extremely big issues with people who do anything height-related to the point that I can't see a further basis for friendship.

On gay pride I've once seen a bungee jumping and only from watching it my body was shaking even half an hour later and I had to take a pill to calm down.

It would be a dealbreaker for a relationship if my loved one would do that. I am very very sensitive about it and I usually can't sleep all night after I see a photo on the internet where stranger is exposed to height in one or the other way. I couldn't cope with a loved one doing bungee jumping, sky-diving etc.

I have huge huge issues with this.

When I love someone, I want to be there for him when he feels bad. When he is sick. But not when it's his own fault. That's abuse of care.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #8
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edit to the 2nd last sentence:

"not when he's exposing himself to risks on purpose".
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Unread 30th January 2017   #9
kindy64
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So the issue really isn't trusting "friends on drugs" it's "friends who risk their lives." Just clarifying the issue a bit from your comments.

All of life is a calculated risk. Getting out of bed, getting into a bathtub (do you know how many people die from falls in the tub,) driving to work, eating at a restaurant (never know who hasn't washed their hands.) We do these things because we've calculated the risk, and accept the chance of injury, sickness, and death.

People do the same for high risk hobbies, and recreational drug use (including alcohol.) The pleasure is worth it. The pleasure I derived from riding my motorcycle was worth the inherent risks of injury or death. The thrill of being on a roller coaster is worth the chance I'll get sick, or something bad happens during the ride. My fiance wants to bungee jump, I have a fear of heights. I doubt I'd join him, but I'd still support him, even though there's a chance he could die, or be paralyzed.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #10
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@kindy64

Quote:
I doubt I'd join him, but I'd still support him, even though there's a chance he could die, or be paralyzed.
This is what I don't get at all.
I'm not saying that you are wrong, but I wonder if anything or what's wrong with me.
Don't you want to protect your loved one from dangers?
Don't you care about him?
Or what is wrong with me?

I really suffer from these thoughts and would like to be able to work on it without going to a therapy, cos clearly it isn't a reason enough for me to go to therapy for that, because it's me thinking that the others are wrong. But maybe something is wrong with me instead.

Where do I get it all wrong really? I really need to work on this because I have sleepless nights about it so so often.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #11
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You can't control what your friends do. I doubt most people who play around with illegal drugs thinking they are just for fun and recreation plan on getting addicted and ruining their lives, but that is where it inevitably leads. The most you might be able to do is talk to them calmly when they are sober.
In the meantime, you might want to look around for a new group of friends because most of us are not social drug users or drug users of any kind.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anonymous View Post
@kindy64

This is what I don't get at all.
I'm not saying that you are wrong, but I wonder if anything or what's wrong with me.
Don't you want to protect your loved one from dangers?
Don't you care about him?

Or what is wrong with me?

I really suffer from these thoughts and would like to be able to work on it without going to a therapy, cos clearly it isn't a reason enough for me to go to therapy for that, because it's me thinking that the others are wrong. But maybe something is wrong with me instead.

Where do I get it all wrong really? I really need to work on this because I have sleepless nights about it so so often.
The answer to both these questions is yes, emphatically YES.

However, I'm not his mother, or father. I'm his partner, and want him to experience life to the fullest. Sometimes that will mean letting him be his own person, whether that's "letting" him bungee jump, or go to a party where drugs will be used. I trust he will do his best to stay safe. If he thinks the bungee jump operation is unsafe, I expect he will bow out of doing it there.

To me, trying to prevent him will cause more harm in our relationship then letting him do his own thing. I certainly give my input, but there's nothing to prevent him from doing what he wants anyway. There is a point he would cross, like abusing hard drugs, where I give him an ultimatum, get help or leave. I would still love him, I just couldn't support or enable him any further.

It comes down to trust and respect.

If this issue is causing harm to your personal relationships, or causing you to not have personal relationships with others, then it certainly is something you could go to therapy about. That's not saying you should or shouldn't, that's up to you to decide. My therapist used to tell me, if it's causing me distress then it's something to talk about.

One thing a therapist could help you dig into would be why you have the issue. Most likely because something in your upbringing causes you to have these trust issues.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #13
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@kindy64

Thanks for taking the time and effort to discuss this with me, I appreciate it a lot.

I want to avoid therapy, because I already had mo much therapy in my life, but it can never cover all my issues and questions.

My mother was overprotective, and my father was overly pressuring me to become a real man.
However I was a weak and soft kid with diseases and early decided for mum and rejected dad. As did she, because she had trouble with him. In the end it was my overprotective mum and me being the team within the family. My mum survived world war II as a small child, so I can totally understand where she is coming from.

Anyway, it is indeed a factor in my social fear. I don't want to talk about this in therapy though, and if I reveal why, then it would probably also reveal my identity and I'd rather remain anonymous in this thread.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #14
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Dude, just saying? Meth is the root of all fucking evil, IMO. And I'm not saying it anonymously. That and heroin destroy so many lives that it's just unreal, and turn people into fucking lunatics along the way. I speak from personal experience as the party that had to deal with those going through the process.

Do all the cool people really do drugs?

This question makes me think you're still in high school. Seriously. Mature adults do not worry about what's "cool" and "looking cool" in such a juvenile manner.

How can I feel well with them if I'm both worried about their and about my safety?

Nope. Which makes me wonder why you'd bother.

Am I taking this way more serious than it is?
Am I unfair in seeing them as untrustable?


Again, no you're not. Let me tell you a little story, yeah? A true story.

Once upon a time, I had a friends-with-benefits thing going with a friend of mine. We hung out all the time, fucked when either of us were horney. Went long stretches without contact then would hang out again. He was a good guy, had a decent moral compass, etc.

He started doing meth. He then started acting erratically... and then possessively as well. I broke shit off with him, because I didn't like the erratic behavior and couldn't trust him not to steal my shit.

He proceeded to stalk me, repeatedly break into my house, rape me on my bathroom floor (and I'm a violent motherfucker, so that didn't go easy on either of us), go to jail where he hired someone to come invade my home and "have fun with me". I died and was resuscitated on my kitchen floor.... and he is now in prison.

Drugs fuck up people's sense of right and wrong, loosening the inhibitions on ones moral compass and fucking with their heads. You are NOT overreacting.

And if they all do drugs except of me, that should probably mean they look down on me and that I don't belong to them, right?

In my experience, yep... they do. I can't speak for them, personally. But in all of my observations, that is how it usually plays out.

Or how the fuck can you be a non-druggie among druggies, that's just impossible right?

It's possible, but uncomfortable.

It sounds to me like you need to find yourself some new friends. Sorry to say it, but there you have it. Stop worrying so much about what other people think of you and find people who share your own values.

And honestly? If those guys are your only options? Being alone can be just all around -better- than some of the shit you have to deal with if those are the only options open to you.
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Unread 30th January 2017   #15
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I agree with @TwisttheLeaf

Said it better than I can... Like I said smoking a joint or whatever is one thing... But all this other shit is more than just it being a risk like sky diving. I mean being around someone who tweaking is a danger to yourself, not just them, never know when they're going to south... Or wait until you see someone OD and you got to either take them to the hospital or let them die... you know the cops are going to be drilling you because they're not going to believe that you're not a user. I mean even with pot I mean someone at some point is going to ask you for a ride to someone's house so they can get a bag, get caught, now your car is impounded or in some cases confiscated, which would suck if you have a loan.

Do as you please, but hanging out with folks who are druggies is bad news, not just for them but for you too, just a matter of time.
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