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Unread 6th February 2017   #1
fred
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Unhappy Relationship advice, feeling lonely

Hello everyone,

I am here seeking some advice and also because I need to vent some things out. I don't know I am just feeling blue today.

So my main problem is that I cannot get into a relationship. I have never been able to and I am 29. So I am a 29 years old gay man that has never been in a relationship.

I have tried all the things out there: meeting a lot of people, online dating, phone apps, meetups and groups, cocktails, organizations... Technically the only thing I have not tried is one of those match maker things because prices for those are a little steep.

I am not sure what's wrong with me. I am not the most attractive guy on the planet; but I guess I am average (you guys judge by the pic) I mean I have seen people that are not that attractive (through my eyes) and they are in a relationship. I am pretty funny to be around with; or at least that's what my friends say. I have a few hobbies and interests; so I do not believe I am boring at all. I love to travel the world and meet new people. I usually stay in Hostels when I travel because there is nothing like a place full with backpackers to have a lot of fun. ( there is a lot of "I" in this paragraph but I feel it's necessary) I feel I am an accomplished person. I will be finishing school this year.

My point is that I am not sure what's wrong with me; or maybe what am I doing wrong. My biggest fear is that I will not find love ever. I am terrified to grow old without a person by my side. I am not a promiscuous person (I know a bunch of friends that were when younger and now they are married) To tell the truth; I really need to like the person a lot to engage in sex; except for that once in a year night that I have a few more drinks and end up waking up not exactly in my bed.

I really like men. I find all kind of men interesting. I like the way men smell. I like the warmth of the skin and the tickle of their chest hair against my body. It's funny sometimes I like guys after we speak for a little bit and not right at the moment we meet. I guess guys can be extremely charming and then looks is something of the past.

So this is what I am dealing with now; and want some help.

I met this guy in school about two weeks ago. And I asked him out and we wet to grab a few beers. He told me that he was not aware it was a date thing; he thought I was just looking to hang. He told me he was in some drama with an ex and he did not want to bring me into it. He said: I do not want to hurt our friendship; let's wait and see if something grows between us.

So I told my friends and they said that I have to be insists a little; because he is gay and he left it open, and that's why you are alone because you give up easily. Anyhow I invited him to watch the Superbowl this weekend and he sad yes about three days ago. And today he cancelled it two hours before. He apologized and told me he was with his family, which he sees rarely because his parents are divorced. He said: I am so sorry; we will get lunch tomorrow.

So here I am and I do not know what to do. I am not sure if I just don't want to try anymore. Hey maybe he is not interested at all; and I am just trying to push something that is not real.

Anyhow;

Thanks a lot for letting me use this board to vent all this. I am actually just in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself.
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Unread 6th February 2017   #2
Doc
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If you want my honest opinion, you'd ought to shave. Its makes look older than 29, and you look like a hipster some people may find it off putting. That just my honest opinion for what its worth.
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MikeMercury (6th February 2017)
Unread 6th February 2017   #3
InbetweenDreams
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Well keep a line open with the guy...what I mean is to keep talking to him.

Quit worrying about whether you think you're attractive or not. I've met people who clearly were attractive and felt that they weren't....it's a waste of time and only makes you feel bad....

At the same time don't be too pushy with the date and relationship thing... I mean I guess people are different, but by all means don't give up, just play it cool... Easier said than done when you really really like someone but they do say perseverance is key but I don't know that for sure. My thinking would be to keep talking to this guy and hang out, go grab beers or whatever and let things go.

But I get how you feel. Hell I'm 30, will be 31 this summer... Single, lonely and I too don't think I'm all too handsome, even though I can tell you it doesn't matter. I have seen people where you just go how the hell does that person pick up a person like that. Everyone says it is self confidence and I agree that a certain amount is attractive and does help... But I really think it is just having a good personality, being an overall interesting person.

I too have done the same thing, cried myself to sleep thinking about how I'm screwing things up with someone and how I'm always going to be lonely and never going to find anyone. I mean they're not really rational thoughts and I know that in the moment that it feels real.... I would go into more detail but I can't... Just know you're not alone and the best thing is not too get too hung up over things and just try not to dwell on it....that's important...if I know how I am dwelling on it just makes it worse. It's like a wound, dwelling is like poking at the wound and you wouldn't poke at a wound so don't do it. Find something to take your mind off it, quit thinking about they you're 29 and single and not a fashion model. I wish there were an easy way to just change how we think and how we tend to let out minds make everything worse. So hang in there, keep it cool and don't be impatient... You will know soon enough if they're worth moving mountains for.

Hope that helps.
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Unread 6th February 2017   #4
meridannight
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Have you ever shaved that beard during those 29 years?

Man, don't take this the wrong way. You look like a fun and an interesting guy. But that beard is a bit too much.

It does not look like the sexy heavy-bearded gay guy:




Yours looks like this:




Watching your cock disappear into that will probably look scary. Can you even get close enough for rimming with that thing?


These last two may be points for sexual intercourse more than relationship, but I really don't see how that beard helps with anything or how getting cleaned up would hurt anything.
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Unread 6th February 2017   #5
fred
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lol I have had this beard for about a year only. I know beards can be intimidating but I am not sure it's part of the equation. Also in my defense, that day I was on vacation so not too much grooming lol
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Unread 6th February 2017   #6
Camfer
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The problem with pushing a guy who's told you he's not ready for a relationship is that if you push it, you might end up with a guy who's not ready for a relationship. And no one needs that. Take him at his word on all this.

So yeah, go to lunch with him and let this thing unfold.

While the facial hair may well not be an issue with this particular guy, it's common knowledge that some attempt to participate in the social norms of contemporary appearance greatly increases the number of guys who may find you attractive. You don't have to be a conformist clone here, but if you're feeling sorry for yourself due to lack of attention from guys, it should be obvious that adjusting your appearance to something that is less of an outlier on the spectrum could prove useful.
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Unread 6th February 2017   #7
TwisttheLeaf
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I'm not sure that "insisting a little" is the answer. If someone is incompatible with you due to interests or their chosen relationship goals, insisting a little is not going to solve that incompatibility. In the end, the incompatibility just ends up destroying the relationship. The key is to go after the ones that -are- compatible in the first place. Unfortunately, finding them is difficult. Not just for you, but for everyone.

Now, you said to look at your pic to judge your looks. But the fact is? That's a problem, because all I see in your pick is a shit-ton of hair and a couple of squinting eyes. Not appealing. And dude, if you've only been growing that thing a month, then you should have NO problem rocking some sexy stubble or some well-trimmed facial hair... but what's in that picture is way too much for the majority of men I know as well as myself.

IF, on the other hand, the facial hair is a part of your personal value system, and you want whoever you end up with to want and like it? You should keep it. Just realize that it narrows your dating pool significantly, especially somewhere like Florida.... well, you know. Unless you want to date those deep swamp everglades people maybe.
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Unread 6th February 2017   #8
deephiance
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Have lunch tomorrow
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Unread 6th February 2017   #9
kindy64
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Good on you for having the courage to lay it out here.

Take the chance, go to lunch, develop a friendship. Any long term relationship HAS to have friendship as a basis.

I agree with the beard thing, I don't find it attractive. Maybe treat yourself to a salon, and work with them to develop a style that is cleaner, but still projects who you want to be.

Otherwise, don't compare yourself to anyone else in terms of "how long" it's taking you to get into a relationship. I was 25 or 26 before I met my ex-wife. Spent years before that worrying about being alone, and never having any success in the whole dating thing. And a big reason I married her was I didn't want to end being alone. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. And I didn't meet my current fiance until 2 years ago at 50. You don't know when love will come, there is just no predicting it.

Work on yourself, and have confidence in who you are.
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Borg69 (6th February 2017), InbetweenDreams (6th February 2017), ShiftyNJ (9th February 2017), SilverBullet (6th February 2017), TwisttheLeaf (6th February 2017)
Unread 6th February 2017   #10
InbetweenDreams
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kindy64 View Post
Good on you for having the courage to lay it out here.

Take the chance, go to lunch, develop a friendship. Any long term relationship HAS to have friendship as a basis.

I agree with the beard thing, I don't find it attractive. Maybe treat yourself to a salon, and work with them to develop a style that is cleaner, but still projects who you want to be.

Otherwise, don't compare yourself to anyone else in terms of "how long" it's taking you to get into a relationship. I was 25 or 26 before I met my ex-wife. Spent years before that worrying about being alone, and never having any success in the whole dating thing. And a big reason I married her was I didn't want to end being alone. One of the biggest mistakes of my life. And I didn't meet my current fiance until 2 years ago at 50. You don't know when love will come, there is just no predicting it.

Work on yourself, and have confidence in who you are.
Not to hijack the thread but funny thing was one of my friends was telling me she didn't really like the idea of being friends for a long time (what a long time is to her is unknown)...She told me that she was friends with her now ex husband for 5 years and claimed that from day one that things were a 360. I don't know what really went wrong, didn't ask questions. Partly why I started the other thread about relationships vs dating.

That all being said yes, yes and yes again I do think something long term should have a strong friendship component. How long it stays as a friendship is I guess depending on the couple... I do think sex is both over emphasized and kind of made out to be a dirty thing, it is important too. I mean after being good friends having some sexual compatibility is a good thing too. That's not saying a couple should fuck on the 2nd date either. I do think sex too early can send the wrong message... I mean if a couple has waited 6 months....a year or something like that (you might think that's too long, too short, just throwing something out there) more than likely not using someone for sex. I mean it is pretty hard (pun not intended) not to let your guard down while cuddling with someone who's both someone you like and really sexy without ripping their clothes off like wild animals and going to town lol.

But yeah there's soooo damn much to a relationship. I think there's more parts to a relationship than the UNIVAC... I guess I had to be a nerd and throw that in there, but I know better to know they aren't what I feel and think in my head. However, doesn't mean they're anything bad, I mean if you truly love them it is very much worth all the waiting, highs and lows and whatever such a relationship might bring.
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Unread 6th February 2017   #11
Borg69
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I've heard Miami Florida is very pretentious with their modelesque gym bunnies? Perhaps you'd do better in San Francisco, Portland, or Seattle. They're more bear-ish and might appreciate your facial hair more?
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Unread 6th February 2017   #12
Bookworm
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If he's happy to hang out just as friends for the moment then that's what I'd do. Just play things cool for now and I wouldn't try forcing the relationship card. Don't get drawn in to 'drama with ex situation' but let him know you're there too if he needs to talk about things. It sounds like he needs time to work his stuff out.
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Unread 7th February 2017   #13
drobs
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Awesome Beard!!! You got a man bun? Maybe trim it up a bit.

I've been rocking the beard lately (since August 16) and am amazed by the amount of guys checking me out. Maybe it's Daddy Issues or that I'm on military base where clean shaven is the rule.

I was drinking with some Marines a couple months ago, had a Marine say to me - man if you had man bun, I'd F you right here... I was like "whoah doggy - by the way, don't kick my ass - I'm gay..."

Regarding the relationship issues - it'll work out. This might not be the guy but there are more guys out there. I was in your situation and picked up my partner up in a Gay Bar. A one night stand became a 14 year relationship. He's about 10 years older than I, but we're happy.
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Unread 8th February 2017   #14
InbetweenDreams
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All I am going to add is don't do what I did... Don't crush on a guy for a long time or wait around thinking this other person will grow on you. Chances are you will be disappointed. It doesn't matter what the circumstance is, learning that the other person doesn't share the same feelings as you hurts and there's not a damn thing you can do or any amount of time, nothing you can say or do that will change it. So yeah, give things some time, but don't wait around too long.

Also, if you want to have a big fucking beard do it, don't let anyone tell you that you should shave it off... Yeah it's not for everyone but neither is anything else.
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Unread 9th February 2017   #15
ShiftyNJ
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I have to disagree with your friends, bud. Biggest lesson learned in gay dating: Remove the neon-pink, blinking "LOOKING" sign. If you and this dude enjoy each other's company, focus on that, and on being fun to be around, instead of trying to categorize it or take to it to the next level before either of you is ready. Guys, especially when trying to get out of a bad situation, will back away if they feel like you're trying to pin them down.

If he's stated he's not ready for something serious, take that at face value, and if you enjoy being around him enough to do so on his terms, have at it. But too heavy, too soon is a buzzkill. If more is meant to happen, it will.
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