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Unread 8th October 2012   #1
zeon
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Hi All,
As some of you know i havent been on much because of life's problems ive been having however recently i hit rock bottom and if asked why i think it is about time i share my story and what drove me to feel at the age of 27 i feel like i should end it all...

As a kid i grew up in a world without a father or at least for the first 12 years as my father walked out on us when i was 2 months old... At the age of 10 months his friend became my mothers lodger and wanted to take my fathers place however he had a dark secret which would lead me to 12 years of mental and physical abuse.. I grew up in a world as a child where i didnt havce a voice or a opinoin that mattered because i was just another attention seeking child with broken future... I used to gaze out the window on many occasions and wonder where my father went to because i seemed to know through gut instinct that this man wasnt my dad. Having an older brother with ADHD (aggressive type) never helped either.. I had a few toys but not many as a child unless me brother destroyed em in rage..

I remember as a kid the average day was a case of wake up to a alcoholic screaming at me to the point i pissed the bed in fright and got a smack for it.. I used to go to school and be like a goldfish looking out of a bowl because i couldnt find a way to interact with other kids and if i did.. I was the one in the playground who would be pushed about or thrown on the floor.. Usually by my brothers friends and him.. I never understood why as a child my brother hated me so much. He was responsible for my bullying as a kid through all 11 years of school and the friends i did manage to get eventually disappeared because after school going home i would be welcomed home to a broken home where this lodger would start shouting at me to do this or do that.. He would often threaten me as a kid that if i didnt do as i was told I was going to have all my fingers broken and was often told that because they are not straight it wouldnt be a bad thing.. I had evenings where i would go to my room and shut myself away from the reailty of the world until my mum went out.. Everytime she went out i would hear him come up the stairs and say You downstairs NOW!. You got chores to do.. I was 5 years old and couldnt reach a kitchen sink at that age.. I felt my world constantly being rocked and remember on more than one occasion i dropped a plate or a cup and would say sorry but to a alcoholic.. Like that mattered.. I ended up getting beaten behind my mothers back and dragged by my hair to my room where i was thrown about and regularly punched.. My bruises were always on my arms and torso and i was told to cover them over or id be very sorry if i didnt.. If something was broken id desperately try to fix it and my mum would come home and say whats gone on here?? The lodger would say that i did this in anger never him.. He then told my mum that he would help me clean it up and mum would go downstairs and he wopuld then have a go at me demanding to know why i broke it.. I used to tell him it wasnt me and he would say dont lie to me boy.. I told him im not with tears down my face because of whats happenning.. My nintendo was once in pieces and he said the usual help me clean and because i tried standing upto him at six he grabbed my hair and demanded i stand up straight and face the fucking wall for punishment.. I was begging him to leave me alone and he had a ring which he turned around and as he hit me on the back of the head three times he split my head open, threw stuff around my room and shouted WHAT ARE YOU DOING????? He was always good at covering things over.. Hiding the abuse blaming me as an attention seeking child.. I remember this day head butting the wall in front and cutting my forehead on the shelf..

As i got older i soon realised my sexuality but hid it from this monster because i was already frightened of him.. Being from the north i grew to be very weary of northern accented people because i felt that if you sounded from out of town you was here to abuse me and e3ventually the monster was forced to leave when my father returned at 12.. I told him one time about the abuse and he said to me... Well you know what he is like after a few drinks... I felt like it was time to accept what had happenned then but never wanted to so i just nodded in agreement.. I thought to myself why isnt my dad doing anything about it... At 14 my dad disowned me again and my school life was all i had to worry about... One day down one less to go is what i constantly told myself... I will be out of this hell soon just be positive.. Yeah times got lonley because my abuser as a kid had forced me to loose my friends... Then at 17 i decided enougjh was enough it was time to reveal myself so i admitted to my family i was gay and doing that was something posditive in my life... I felt a big weight lifted but figured if my mum always loved me she would be here for me and tyo be honest shes dead pleased shes got a gay son..

At 18 i fell in deep love with this scottish lad from outside inverness in a small town called Nairn and gave up my world to move there. I wanted to be out of my home i had received so much abuse in.. I got off to a good start with him and we got closer as a couple and i was dead happy and then after two months he met someone else and told me im sleeping in the spare bed in the same room.. I had to endure two weeks of him having sex with this other guy right beside me which tore my heart to shreads.. I hadnt been with anyone i was loyal faithful and loving and helped him in life to get confidence to go out suffering with agrophobia.. Well when i moved back to brighton in the end i remember getting home and bursting into tears which was the start of my eighteen months of depression and self harm began because all i kept thinking was... Whats wrong with me?? Why did that happen???

At 20 i met my ex who i lost in feb to another guy.. He was my ideal guy and i loved him straight away.. I felt nice and safe inside and he had dreams which matched mibne and we got on well like a house on fire... Then in December 2009 trouble started.. He never declared it behind my back but he started playing the field... I used to ignore it all because i loved him so much i thought well its just sex with me its love... Well my sex dried up and everyone else got him... I thought of saving our relatyionship and as i went to walk out the relationship and decided to help him onto the property ladder.. I will never makle this mistake again... This time he used to bring random guys homke and have sex in my home and being a small home i couldnt hide... I was regularly pushed out the bed in hotels for a different guy and had to endure the painstaking attitude of him shagging other people... Eventually i grew to hate him becaue he was just like my scottish lover... Cold hearted to me when i gave him everything...

l saw a change in him when he met someone and this guy tried to get someone with a tazer gun to take me out in a pub and put me in hospital; but i freaked out as soon as i saw the weapon and moved quicker than he swung it at me.. I ended up getting police envoled and constantly fighting with my ex to get him to come home he ended up leaving for good.. Well now... He took my dogs awayn from me as one last dig in my coffin and im left with an empty house... No comfort no cuddles anymore at night and no way forward...

Feeling like this i wrote two suicide notes:

Hi Wayne,
I am so sorry for the way things have unfolded... I am writing to request that you at least follow some wishes of mine in the event i end up killing myself.. l know people say when they say it they dont do it however you know with me when i say something ill do it.. Firstly id like three funeral songs played for me... They are Jason Mraz , I wont give up, Emily whats ner name Read all about it and the cheryl cole and gary barlow song they did at the olympics.. I cant find the strength to fight anymore or fight for my freedom anymore.. I am slowly sinking and loosing my fight in life and to be honest seeing as though ive started slitting my arms again i feel it is best to continue on.. I have refused all help in life and eventually i will end up gone because i have a heart of gold and so much love to give that im not worthy of any real existance.. I read your messages about you and colin having sex and that totally destroyed me but i did it because i want to be destroyed and I want to slowly die and feel my pain until i pass over where even there id be deemed for eternal pain...
In my life every guy who ive wanted to love has left and ive been with pain as a result and that includes my childhood.. I never asked for anything same as i never asked for my life to be so messed up... I know colin cant stand me talking to you and that is understandable now as you are his property and i wish you both well.. I am currently looking for some pipes to attach to the exhaust as i will end up driving out of town and dying alone in a place i wont be found.. Mum is worrying about me and begging me to get help and ive felt like disowning her and my family because of how they fucking treated us... I am fucking sick of all this life wayne sick of everything... I want to just get it on and get it over with but i cant find the right time... I am coming off the tobacco to make myself feel the pain and anger inside and force myself to cut deeper into my arms so i bleed non stop and eventually hopefully just die.. My kingdom i live in has been broken and the people who helped me have all left... I will eventually assign it as offically closed.. I would to be honest love you to see me die and watch my pain but i know that isnt possible.. I dont want you to dawn on the past I want you to drink yourself fucking stupid like its all you ever can do...
I am cooking my final meal as we type because I am going to be giving up in existance and cutting down on everything so everyone can see my pain and feel my suffering that ive felt for 27 years as everyone ive grown to love has been ripped away from me the whole fucking lot from fucking family to fucking boyfriends.. I am fucking sick of the whole ordeal and wish it would FUCKING STOP.... IS it too much to ask life one little thing??????? l dont care about whether people know or what not because unlike you i wont take fucking pills... I am fucking depressed I am feeling fucking suicidal and im feeling at rock bottom in life and been suffering this way for fucking months and im getting tired and sick of it i am fighting a loosing battle with the flat and at least when im dead your the only one going to court to be declared bankrupt on the property because i will drag you down with it...
I cant cope with the building pain and anguish inside the whole of my body tends to shake continuiously when i havent got tobacco like an alcoholic needing a fucking fix and start to go crazy a little.. Last night i drove to luton to pick up the lodger and on the M25 i felt so comfortable i contimplated driving into the central reservation.. I dont want to be saved I want to be left to die as a pity person. I havent got a tv anymore as thats smashed i havent got a lot of things because they are smashed the photos are destroyed and the flat is slowly becoming nothing more than a landfilled site..

Well please dont contact me anymore dont let me near the dogs and dont let me see you again... This will help me to go insane slowly and help me pluck up the couraghe to end everything and let you and the dogs live happily with colin... He looks after them better than I did and I know i threw them out the car... Maybe next time ill tie them to the fucking back of it!

NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE!

After calming down I decided to think and the more i thought the more upset i got so i just felt like there was no way out and i cant cope so i wrote this one and let this one stay without decleting it

Hi Wayne,
This will be the last message you will get from me because i am on a self destruct course and cant get out of it even with smoking i am shaking and dont feel i have the energy to go on so i accept what i did with the dogs is wrong and im pleased they are happier there than here.. They have more love there to be honest and promise me wayne you will look after them. Mum has told me to go seek professional help but to be honest its too late for that. l dont want to make a big fuss over this and would ask you to not do so either because i dont want to come between you and colin anymore than I have.. l know im not liked in this town and fully accept that and tomorrow i am coming off the cigarettes to make myself totally loose everything quicker...
l dont know where i go or what i do but one thing i ask for is a little request in the event that i dont make it... I want to ask you to remember three songs for the time and pass them onto the relivant party if need be.. Jason Mraz I wont give up, Emily sandy Read all about it, Lady Antebellum need you now.. I have been struggling with my depression for far too long and feel at a complete cross road in life now and all the directions head to dead ends... l am struggling to cope with everything and i am so scared of everything in life... I dont ask for pity or anything and dont want you to change anything because your a good person really im just feeling like a famous shakespeare play. l regret what i did with the dogs but i cant change that and it is un forgiveable.. This is why i need you to promise me your look after them the best you can and if i dont make it i will be back for visits and be by them at all times.... I decided tonight to have a last proper meal but that didnt go to plan as started panicing and just ate it as it was...

Well keep safe and goodbye.. I am not asking for you back because what we had was special and now its finished but your the only person i can trust to carry out my wish if i didnt make it through.. l dont want people to know and ask you to keep it quiet please like i do with how u felt..

Well one final goodbye and see you around.. l wont be calling u anymore dont get upset please just carry on as normal

goodbye

Zeon x

When i read back on these??? I often think why did i get that low?? I know one thing... When my ex showed my mum she called me in floods of tears as i was going to carry it out begging me to not do it... It was realising that id upset and hurt my mother deeply that i stopped.. We had been through years of abuse and hell and doing this wasnt the answer... I went to visit her two days ago and we had a massive hug and she burst into tears and i told her im sorry and i love her i just cant cope a lot of the time with the stress but now two days on....

I feel im returning to my normal self... So time to get into practice and if anyone feels like suicide... Please talk to Aunty as this time im back for good

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon
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Unread 9th October 2012   #2
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Thank you Zenon, that had to be hard to post.

Mind if I join you in being available if anyone needs to talk?

I've gone a bit farther than writing the "final" letter, I did it. Basically succeeded except, my partner at the time found me and, knew CPR. Of course for some different reasons but, abuse was a big part of it.

I know too well what is is to be there, in the bottom of that pit with no ladder, no rope, noting that might help you climb out. Sometimes a kind word or a gentle shoulder would be enough, maybe one of us can be that for someone else?
 
Unread 9th October 2012   #3
Bowyn Aerrow
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(Sigh). As you know I did the suicide thing, fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on the day) I was resuscitated and brought back to life... Well some semblance of a life....

I understand, really understand how low one feels when the only option is the final option. I 'get' what it is like.

How ever judging by your 'letters' it sounds more like you are trying to find a way to hurt back the person(s) who hurt you.

Zeon, I hate to tell you this, but those are the folks least likely to feel any remorse, grief, or anything else remotely related to human emotions.

I fear that the only people who would care about your passing and would be hurt the most are the people in your life you are least wanting to hurt.

The best revenge is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and proceed to prosper and live long.

Besides you are a good man who will (eventually) find the right man and will have a relatively quiet and happy life.

Sure, it doesn't seem like it now, and I will not lie and say there will not be other days where it seems like an untruth... But there is hope - hope springing eternal and all of that, and things do get better.
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Unread 9th October 2012   #4
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OMG aunty I'm so glad you decided not to do it, a lot of people on this site would've been hurt I really wish it was some way for me to be there for you
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Unread 9th October 2012   #5
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Thank you Aunty
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Unread 9th October 2012   #6
CodyH
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Things get really hard in life but you can't always look upon your past and dwell on it. You can only improve your life if you let it all go. I don't mean forget it as if it didn't happen but put it behind you and focus on yourself as of now. You sound like such a loving and amazing person. Who is willing to give everything to the one they love. I am similar in that aspect. But people like us gets trampled over all the time. Our love taken for granted. We are left with the question why? I gave you everything is it not enough? But you are enough. Its just that those other people don't see it and take it for granted. Like Bowyn said. Get back at them by picking up the pieces, standing tall, moving on, and loving yourself. They don't deserve all of your kindness and love. You will come out stronger.

The main thing I usually focus on when those types of thoughts rise up is the fact that these people that hurt me are not worth my pain. They are not worth dying over. My life is mine. I make of it what I want to make of it. I have come so far with all my ups and downs and school. My 21 years of living is not worth losing over some scum that cant appreciate me. I also focus on the people in my life that I have met. The people who love me and care for me. It would break my damn heart to see them hurt. To make them feel useless and helpless that they couldnt help me (not that I am conceited but thats the feeling I would feel if one of my friends decided to end their life). Focus on your future. Your happiness. Your hope. Things will get better but only if you decide to make it that way. Don't let these people win. If you need a friend you have many here. Stay strong. Show them who is the better and stronger guy!
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Unread 9th October 2012   #7
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Thanks for sharing your story Zeon. That was well worth the read. It gave me some new perspectives on things. I really admire your courage to live on - and turn out to be quite normal. I could not imagined what it'll be like if I was raised up in the same way, suffered the same physical and emotional abuses. For that I'm even more grateful to my family than before. There's always something you wish it could be better but I feel sometimes I forgot to fully appreciate what I have already...

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Unread 9th October 2012   #8
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You better stay with us, or us Aussies will fly all the way over there to woop your arse if you ever let yourself get that far without talking to someone.

You can't change the way people treat you, but you can change the way you treat them. You have done nothing wrong.

 
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Unread 9th October 2012   #9
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Zeon, because I can answer yes to your question, I did read your post.
I was moved by your courage to be able to put in into words the misery you have faced and the understanding of what it was doing to you.

I don't want to ramble, but I grew up with similar scars, and your experience at 18 y.o. mirrored mine.

You seem to be past those dark thoughts now, so I hope can realise that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem!
Quote:
I feel im returning to my normal self...
...don't! This could turn into a cycle of destructive relationships or it can be a turning point for you, so you don't fall for the next bastard who shows you any sign of affection and you fall in an instant, because you crave some of the love and affection you were denied.

Low self esteem can be such a destructive force, and I hope you can work on letting go of that abused kid and focus on the guy you really are...someone who had survived, and is worthy of love.

And yeah, I'm repeating that last sentence to myself.

I hope members here can feel safe and comfortable to reach out if they are feeling at risk.
You are not alone, and others do care. x
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Unread 9th October 2012   #10
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Dear Zeon,

That was a really tough letter to make public. I could feel your pain with every line I read, but the fact your still here and comfortable enough to share it to help others tells me your a lot stronger than you may think.

Anyone reading it cant fail to be moved and touched by what you've gone through. I know some of the GS family have already replied and can relate in someway to what you've been through, so you know there are plenty of people here for you, and anyone else who feels they are in a destructive spiral they cant get out of.

I'm going through some challenges with my own relationship right now, and what your letter says loud and clear to me is that there are always people out there that are worse off than yourself but strong enough to get through their pain, and thats helped me to put some perspective on my troubles, which may seem huge and foreboding to me, but in the big scheme of this thing called life, and a mere blip on the horizon.

Thanks once again for sharing.
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Unread 9th October 2012   #11
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Che4ers for the words guys... I will admit my relationship with my ex was ment to be as friends however it is slowly turning into hatred and anger towards him as he has thrown everything in me face and im still in debt lol but ive decided rather than give him satisfaction ill just ignore him blocked on facebook and when im at work i know he has resigned so it has made things a little easier... Someone did ask me last night if i would take him backj and i said a simple... No because what we had was special and i am now getting my life back and learning to live again... Of course i get down sometimes but when i do i just stick on one of his copied Club CD's turn the volume up loud in my car and lift myself up...
 
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Unread 9th October 2012   #12
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Wow... the amount of strength it must have taken you to write that (let alone survive it!) is really amazing! You are a remarkable person and you deserve to find someone who will love you unequivocally.

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Unread 10th October 2012   #13
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Wow man sounds like you've had a tough life - especially while growing up...that was really sad to read.
You are no doubt a strong guy to have been through all that you have and survived
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Unread 10th October 2012   #14
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My latest little brush with suicide was on August 5th. I was getting on the highway driving home from work when I seriously considered just stopping in the middle of the road and laying there just letting the first one come and hit me. I didn't, so then the whole way home I thought about just speeding up as fast as I could and crashing in to something and hoping it kills me.

I didn't. And the only reason was because it was my dad's birthday and he had found out the day before his best friend died of heart failure and I figured it'd be a dick move to kill myself on his birthday especially when he was already dealing with something so awful. It was the only time I've ever seriously contimplated suicide while not drunk.

I think it's kinda weird you post this at a time when I happen to be at an all time low but I am unsure of what to take away from that coincidence...
 
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