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Unread 9th February 2017   #1
seeking
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Default Guess I just need a place to tidy up my mind

Never thought I'd post something like this in the 'need you advice' forum, as it always seems much easier when reading the others' story. But when it's your turn, you just feel like you suddenly become an idiot and don't know what to do, and that ruins your life tremendously as you just obsessed with the things you could have done or could have not done.

I recently went to Europe to study and one of the classmates caught me eyes. He is intelligent, nice, funny and yes quite good looking. I noticed he would pay some attention to me but we really didn't have any meaningful interactions due to grouping in class etc but, I guess we tried to find a point to connect somehow through the first 2 weeks.

Today in a class, we had the chance to sit next to each other and discuss. Long story short, I feel quite nervous and cannot focus during the whole class because of that. I didn't try to impress him - that's something I learnt that I shouldn't do because it's easy to screw up. But the thing is, as I was quite nervous, I could not act normally as myself would have, and feeling really stupid in many aspects. The whole experience was just awkward.

After the lesson ended and we separated, I think of so many ways that I could have interact with him like just I did with other classmates, that could lead things into another stage but it's gone now and leaving us (me) with awkward feelings.

I don't know what I'm trying to do, as I couldn't be sure he is gay. Even if he is, I am not sure if he is really interested in me, or just being nice like he does normally. It's kind of hard to express myself without the fear that I might screw up, or what other people might think etc.

Sorry I cannot organize the passage well because my mind is just quite like a mess right now. While I know what and how should I do, it's always easier to say than actually do it. If you have any experience like this and know how to deal with it I would be super happy to know.

I should went back to work and study now but I'm not sure how long does it take for me to be able to focus again :/ I hope writing this would help clear something up in my mind.
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Unread 9th February 2017   #2
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You are going to see him again in class? I want to think about this but i need to understand fully what's going on.
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Unread 9th February 2017   #3
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You are going to see him again in class? I want to think about this but i need to understand fully what's going on.
Yes. We are in the same group for several subjects.

I am just frustrated with the ongoing ambiguity and uncertainty, hoping something would grows but at the same time feeling frightened for the many possible ways to screw up.
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Unread 9th February 2017   #4
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"Keep your mind on your drivin'. Keep your hands on the wheel." goes an old song.

The point is that the task at hand is to do well in school. The other stuff can come along over a cup of coffee after class. You may have to practice asking to your mirror but why not?
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Unread 9th February 2017   #5
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"Keep your mind on your drivin'. Keep your hands on the wheel." goes an old song.

The point is that the task at hand is to do well in school. The other stuff can come along over a cup of coffee after class. You may have to practice asking to your mirror but why not?
Hope I do not misunderstood - do you mean I could just focus on study during the class and meet him after school?

Yes I was trying to focus on studying during class actually, and also yes I would hope that could be the case we can meet after school. It's just that things happened in the class make the situation awkward (As I feel) that we could not further the interaction, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for the respond it feels good to be able to say these things out even it's just on the internet.
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Unread 10th February 2017   #6
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What kind of class is it? I think you should work this line into your conversations with him...
"As a Gay man from China..."

I sometimes think I should just wear a rainbow pride necklace. Never had the guts to do it outside of gay bars and gay pride fests.



Does the college offer any LGBT groups after school? Might be something to look into.
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Unread 10th February 2017   #7
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Here are some ways to let him know he has your attention, without being too pushy:

1. If there is flexibility in the seating, maybe get there a little early sit in the vicinity of where he normally goes, Give him a nod/grin when he comes into the room. Don't have to rush to his side but let him know you're glad to see him. See if he takes the bait and sits near you.

2. If there are more opportunities for small group work, invite him to work together. If you have any questions about the reading, etc., ask what he thought about it.

3. If there is a chance to riff off something he shared in class, refer to what he said in your own response so that he knows you were paying attention

4. If he says something particularly funny/insightful during class, take a minute to compliment him about it n person afterwards, e.g. I didn't really understand "x" but the way you explained it now it makes sense to me"

5. If you have free time after or if there is a break mid-class, tell him "I'm hungry/thirsty, do you feel like getting a coffee/sandwich/beer?"

Outing yourself as part of the group conversation if it feels safe is an option.... but depending on where he is it could have the opposite effect than intended. If he's closeted it might cause him to back away. At my stage of life I would not want to date someone who insisted on keeping our relationship a secret, but we're not talking about me. But rather than get ahead of yourself I would focus on getting to know him as a person and vice versa and see what kind of chemistry there might be.

I know it's a little scary, but also exciting! Try to stay calm and project confidence in the class, be someone he should want to get to know on whatever level it ends up being.

Hope that helps!
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Unread 10th February 2017   #8
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What you are describing is the way a person acts when they have a crush. It's normal so don't let it bother you. Maybe it will get better each time you talk, but don't get so stressed out about it that you make it worse. Again, you are completely normal, seeking.

You could always how him your wiener. That should break the ice. LOL
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Unread 10th February 2017   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drobs View Post
What kind of class is it? I think you should work this line into your conversations with him...
"As a Gay man from China..."

I sometimes think I should just wear a rainbow pride necklace. Never had the guts to do it outside of gay bars and gay pride fests.



Does the college offer any LGBT groups after school? Might be something to look into.
lol that beginning of conversation sounds really frightening to me

I didn't notice any LGBT community yet.

Besides, I recently found out that I am actually still uneasy to come out...even now I'm far away from home. I don't think I would feel comfortable to join a LGBT community openly at the moment.

This is weird because I always thought I don't really care about how other people look at me (when far from home country). It seems like I over-estimated myself.
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Unread 10th February 2017   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShiftyNJ View Post
Here are some ways to let him know he has your attention, without being too pushy:

1. If there is flexibility in the seating, maybe get there a little early sit in the vicinity of where he normally goes, Give him a nod/grin when he comes into the room. Don't have to rush to his side but let him know you're glad to see him. See if he takes the bait and sits near you.

2. If there are more opportunities for small group work, invite him to work together. If you have any questions about the reading, etc., ask what he thought about it.

3. If there is a chance to riff off something he shared in class, refer to what he said in your own response so that he knows you were paying attention

4. If he says something particularly funny/insightful during class, take a minute to compliment him about it n person afterwards, e.g. I didn't really understand "x" but the way you explained it now it makes sense to me"

5. If you have free time after or if there is a break mid-class, tell him "I'm hungry/thirsty, do you feel like getting a coffee/sandwich/beer?"

Outing yourself as part of the group conversation if it feels safe is an option.... but depending on where he is it could have the opposite effect than intended. If he's closeted it might cause him to back away. At my stage of life I would not want to date someone who insisted on keeping our relationship a secret, but we're not talking about me. But rather than get ahead of yourself I would focus on getting to know him as a person and vice versa and see what kind of chemistry there might be.

I know it's a little scary, but also exciting! Try to stay calm and project confidence in the class, be someone he should want to get to know on whatever level it ends up being.

Hope that helps!
Thanks! Those are some really practical advices here.

Yes it is really scary. After yesterday I think I've lost to courage to even talk to him normally right now. But I don't even know if I was really that awkward or it's all just in my head.

Anyway I hope after the weekend I could man up myself and just be as best as I could be to see how things go.
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Unread 10th February 2017   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darius View Post
What you are describing is the way a person acts when they have a crush. It's normal so don't let it bother you. Maybe it will get better each time you talk, but don't get so stressed out about it that you make it worse. Again, you are completely normal, seeking.

You could always how him your wiener. That should break the ice. LOL
Thanks Darius! Yea I know it's normal to have a crush. The thing is, other people might notice I get a crush on him and find out I'm gay...which is something I dread .. a lot. (In fact I thought the professor noticed, judging from some of her actions, but I would never know)

And I also fear that he finds out...and turns out he is not gay, or gay but not interested. I don't know which one is more horrible XD

The wiener LOL I wouldn't have the courage, I don't mind if it's him who initiate though lol
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Unread 11th February 2017   #12
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I think your desire to "act normally" or "act like yourself" is actually, truly, the acting not like yourself in this instance.

It is your genuine reaction to feel somewhat giddy, or nervous and excited, that is a genuine response you have to someone you like. So, the more you loosen up about those feelings, the more you can enjoy the time you get to spend together, maybe?
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Unread 11th February 2017   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darius View Post
What you are describing is the way a person acts when they have a crush. It's normal so don't let it bother you. Maybe it will get better each time you talk, but don't get so stressed out about it that you make it worse. Again, you are completely normal, seeking.

You could always how him your wiener. That should break the ice. LOL
A letter missing that might be confusing : show him your penis.... ? er.... maybe not. Unless it's in a private and intimate setting appropriate for that show of flesh.

Good luck, @seeking.
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Unread 11th February 2017   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seeking View Post
Thanks Darius! Yea I know it's normal to have a crush. The thing is, other people might notice I get a crush on him and find out I'm gay...which is something I dread .. a lot. (In fact I thought the professor noticed, judging from some of her actions, but I would never know)

And I also fear that he finds out...and turns out he is not gay, or gay but not interested. I don't know which one is more horrible XD

The wiener LOL I wouldn't have the courage, I don't mind if it's him who initiates
, though. lol
@seeking, I think part of the maturing of a gay man is being able first to admit to yourself that you're gay. So once you can admit to yourself that you're gay, the second stage is to start feeling comfortable about it, and also to start accepting that it is 'normal' (some people are attracted to their own gender, that's part of life) and then being able to just say it casually or in a matter-of-fact way in a conversation. It isn't a dirty little secret. Maybe your Chinese upbringing is showing when you cannot see the appropriateness of telling someone you are gay. Coming out is a big deal, or has been for many of us, but it's not the end of the world. We attribute too much power to what other people think. Most people won't care, or might even be interested.

It is never such a good idea to ask a person directly if they are gay (unless the context allows for this kind of disclosure) as it can backfire or be construed as a threat. But it's perfectly ok, I think, to tell people what your sexual orientation is. So apart from showing someone your dick, which would not be appropriate in most cases, and doesn't actually spell 'gay' either ( I mean, flashers show their dicks to people, but they aren't quite normal in the head, are they?) there is a better way of telling people that you are gay, it is simply to let them know. You mentioned that your teacher might have an idea that you're gay, and maybe she has, because either she's got gaydar, or you're sending out signals that you are not picking up but maybe others are picking up. Sometimes people are just too polite to ask, because it's not something you do, and they are ready to wait until you tell them.

I had a friend who used to write INAM on some of his rough papers at university. I worked it out to mean "I Need A Man". I was then able to have that conversation with him, but to be honest he did act in a rather camp way so it wasn't such a surprise when he admitted he was gay, indeed.

My point is, if you want your sexual orientation to be known by this mate of yours, maybe you can find a casual or subtle way to let him know and not wait for him to initiate. It might take far too long. Is there any chance that you are interested in swimming? Going to the swimming pool is a good way of showing what you've got (and ogling what he's got) in a physical but non sexual setting. If he's interested, things might work out from there? Can you think of another 'locker room' situation in which you might both engage? Try not to be too impatient, but making friends is generally the best way to go before it becomes anything more.
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Unread 11th February 2017   #15
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lol that beginning of conversation sounds really frightening to me

I didn't notice any LGBT community yet.

Besides, I recently found out that I am actually still uneasy to come out...even now I'm far away from home. I don't think I would feel comfortable to join a LGBT community openly at the moment.

This is weird because I always thought I don't really care about how other people look at me (when far from home country). It seems like I over-estimated myself.
I would have thought being away from China, it would be easier for your to assert yourself and assert your orientation. Try to make the most of it, especially if you are in that European country (which one? ) where it is probably an accepted thing to be gay.
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