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Unread 13th February 2017   #1
Lesley72
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So, this has been on my mind off and on awhile, and I'm looking for opinions. I'm wondering whether my ex husband is gay. His current wife also struggling with this. Here is the situation...
1. We divorced after 12 years (10 yrs divorced). During that time he bashed gays, hated movies about affairs, etc. in hindsight, seems like a red flag given his behavior.
2. He moved out of state, then suddenly had gay friends. He even let a gay man stay at his house on several occasions. (Our kids told me & an ex gf of his who was suspicious.) this was 5 years ago. If he had previously been open-minded, I wouldn't question it.
3. His current wife having same issues we did. (They've been married 3 years) She has texted with questions. He acts like he likes sex, and then once you're married it stops. His current wife says he has very low testosterone, for which he once took injections. They are currently in counseling and she texts me every so often, he is a sociopath, pathological liar...and she is struggling with all of that as she just figured it all out. (I'm not just saying that because he is my ex, lol.)
4. I told her my suspicions. I thought her saying he had low testosterone was the end of it, but She found the guy's number, who supposedly used to stay with him, still on his phone & called him. They spoke over the phone and the man told her to talk to her husband, so she explained that he lies and that is why she contacted him. He then asked to speak to her husband and she brought the phone to him and put it on speaker. The guy was gay and confirmed he stayed with my ex a few times. He told her nothing sexual happened, but he did crawl into bed with her husband (my ex) after a party (they had lots of parties at his house he said). He said her husband turned him down and that was it. Then, said she received "snippy" texts from the guy all night.

I realize we are divorced, I am just looking for some resolution in my head. I think this all sounds suspicious. To me, he is only attracted to women as mother figures, but up until recently I thought he was probably asexual. Now, I wonder if I completely missed that he is gay. ?? Thoughts? (I typed quickly, sorry if confusing.)
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Unread 13th February 2017   #2
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He just seems not nice, maybe not gay though. Also welcome to GS.
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Lesley72 (13th February 2017)
Unread 13th February 2017   #3
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From what you have said I cannot see enough evidence to be sure that he is gay ( if his gay friend told the truth) but I can see why it looks suspicious.

You mentioned he has low testosterone, maybe that could be a problem? Having low testosterone won't necessary makes a person gay (as I know, pls correct me if not) but it could possibly be the cause of his low interest in sex life and his weird behavior.
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Lesley72 (13th February 2017)
Unread 13th February 2017   #4
IanSaysHi
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Some stuff you've said maybe seems suspicious but again it's hard to tell. People do change through time; I've known guys who were homophobic (including family) who changed. He could even have gone through some kind of life crisis where surrounding himself with new kinds of people that challenged his previous convictions made him feel younger or something. I've known one straight guy very well who was homophobic and changed as well as not treating the women in his life very well. I know you say you're looking for resolution in your head but as Doc said, maybe he's just not a nice guy and although it's not nice to have been through it all, at least you're free of it now.
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Unread 13th February 2017   #5
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*Uses the point-by-point system, cuz it's easier for him and you already started it out that way.*
  1. Although it's common for those un-accepting of their own preferences to present with bashing behavior, there's plenty of straight people out there that are just as bad and have no inclination towards "gay relations". This means it isn't useful as an indicator of.... well anything other than the guy was a closed-minded asshole.
    • Moving out of state could be for any number of reasons that have absolutely nothing do do with sexual preference.
    • Suddenly having gay friends, after your point above (Part 1) is a bit odd. Although some people have a change of heart, it doesn't usually bounce so dramatically from one side of the fence to the other unless there's a personal epiphany involved. So THIS, in my opinion, could be an indicator... but it's not definitive.

    • Not all men have high libidos... this does not indicate they're batting for a team other than the one their partner is on.
    • Some men have erectile dysfunction issues. This is a medical condition, not an "I'm not interested in you cuz I'm gay" issue.
    • Low testosterone is also not a "gay" issue. It's a medical condition.
    • Being a liar does not in any way indicate they are gay. It just means they're a liar.
    • Being a sociopath does not in any way indicate they are gay. It just means they're a sociopath.

    • If you weren't feeding into her suspicions and encouraging her contact, she wouldn't be continuing to correspond with you. You two are feeding off each other.
    • Calling his friend to see if they fucked him was way beyond encroaching into another person's privacy. Whether they fucked or not, the answer would be "we didn't" unless the guy is a complete asshole or wants to burn your ex-husband for some slight or another. Truth is? Hell, there's a good chance if they -were- screwing and aren't anymore, that she may have possibly just re-kindled something that had died.
    • NO man wants to be harassed about who they've been screwing, whether gay or straight. Him being irked about it is natural. Hell, I'd have told her to not call back and hung up on her ass.
  2. All of the things listed above that don't make him gay? Well, they don't make him asexual either.
In conclusion, maybe he is gay. Maybe he's asexual. Maybe he's straight with a medical condition that's hindering his libido in some way (or a tendency to get bored). In the end, you've been divorced for 10 YEARS. For god sake, move on already. Who the hell cares what he's doing or who he's doing it with. He's not yours anymore to worry on it over.
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Unread 13th February 2017   #6
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Hi Lesley, glad to have you here. If you find out your ex is gay, how will that resolution make you feel better? It might answer some questions but it won't really change what must have been a painful time in your life. I don't really detect any bitterness in what your write.
Also, how wise do you think it is for you to get involved in his current marriage?

I would say there is nothing worse than a closet case dragging other people (like wives) into their deceptions. I hope you find peace and healing. I also hope you hang around and contribute again to the forums here.
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Lesley72 (14th February 2017)
Unread 13th February 2017   #7
Lesley72
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Thanks everyone! Yes, he is not a nice person for sure. I guess I'm still just trying to reason through all the stuff he does, which with him there isn't always a good reason. Having kids with him makes the "no contact" thing more difficult. His wife recently contacted me because he stole everyone's Christmas money from his mom, including our kids'. She was really upset, and I felt bad for her & we talked. She has text me off and on since. I think I need to tell her I don't want to be involved. I don't know, boundaries are hard with all of this. Will be glad when our kids are grown & communication less necessary. Just a few more years. I think maybe I'm too nice. One minute she is texting, the next she wonders why I'm involved...and I'm like...because you involved me, lol. Ugh. Yeah, I need to let it go. �� It's really just more drama. Even her mom texts me.
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Unread 13th February 2017   #8
Lesley72
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I don't know if you study Myers Briggs personality types any, but I am an INTJ. If I can reason through his behavior, it just settles things in my mind. Sounds dumb, I know. I guess him being gay in my mind would be better than him just being a sociopathic jack ass, which I think is sadly more the case I guess. He constantly starts drama. I no longer respond except legally, but I do talk to his wife. He and I can't communicate at all. Constant games. Up until recently, he had her convinced it was me. I guess I also feel a slight vindication in talking to her, if I'm being totally honest.
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Unread 14th February 2017   #9
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@Lesley72 I have a close friend who is going through a hard time having broken up with her partner of many years just before Xmas. I never knew why she was with him as he constantly made her unhappy, I wanted to intervene but it was their relationship so all I could do was offer advice. She'd finally had enough and now I'm trying to help her recover but it's going to take a while. Her ex also plays mind games and starts drama and I keep telling my friend that as long as she responds, reacts to it or shows interest then he knows he still has power/control over her. He'd made her feel so low about herself over the years that it's difficult but bit by bit we'll get there. I know you don't need to hear about my friend (lol) but the relevance is is it still sounds like your ex has that hold over you somehow. I know it's hard but please don't let this guy control your attention anymore; he's not worth it. Just react to any mind games and drama you may hear of with indifference and once he finds out you don't care anymore he will hopefully move on. If it helps my friend was getting numerous horrible messages a day from her ex and she kept reacting to them. In the end I gave her calm, controlled and frankly boring responses to send back, once she sent these he's stopped contacting her so something worked
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Unread 14th February 2017   #10
Lesley72
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Your friend should check out datingasociopath. C o m (I had to type it that way or it wouldn't let me post a link, sorry) or books by Bill Eddy. They have helped me a lot, but I wish I had them sooner. I think if I could've made a clean break, it would've been easier. Watching him mess with our kids over the years definitely keeps me on guard. You are very right in what you say on how to deal with him. I'm just too empathetic for my own good. They also have a three-year old together now, so even if they divorce, I will need to stay in contact with her so that our kids can see their brother. My ex will just blow it off. I had written another response earlier, but it never posted. Weird. Anyway, it was about boundaries I know I should have, but always cave to help, etc. & you are right...if you bore a sociopath, they usually move on. Just takes awhile.
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Unread 14th February 2017   #11
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Then there's the chance he's bi...

I know you're just looking for closure with the father of your children. That's understandable. But I don't think you're going to get it this way. I think you have to live with just the facts you already have and count your blessings that you made the right decision not to be with him.
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Lesley72 (14th February 2017)
Unread 14th February 2017   #12
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When we care about someone, especially a partner, and it's over, we always want to believe that they just weren't such an asshole. Maybe they had some issues they just couldn't sort through? I'm being a hypocrite because I'm not at this stage, but what's done is done. You can search and never have your answer, but it's not going to change the end result, it won't change anything. The fact is, there were problems that irrespective of his sexuality got in the way.
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Unread 14th February 2017   #13
Lesley72
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I responded to this earlier, but don't see the post. In fact, there are two I don't see. Anyway, I think your friend should check into books by Bill Eddy & there is a great site called datingasociopath online that has lots of helpful articles, etc. you are right in how to deal with them, be boring and they move on. Though it takes awhile. Our kids will be grown in two years, and hopefully, I can completely cut off contact then. I talk more to his wife because he doesn't speak to me unless he is up to something. I'm probably still too empathetic where his wife is concerned. She hasn't always been nice, but I wouldn't wish what he does on anyone. Thank you for your advice!
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Unread 14th February 2017   #14
Lesley72
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@Confuzzled4 - True, there were many issues. Trust was gone due to all the lies. I never knew what was true anymore. Married 12 years, and I never even knew him. He changes depending on who he is with. It's like no one is really in there. I guess I keep trying to find what was true. Idk. As you said, is pointless. I just get hung up on it sometimes.
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Unread 14th February 2017   #15
Lesley72
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ill check back tomorrow. I've written a few responses, but not many are showing up.
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