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Unread 7th November 2016   #1
Gemini
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Default How Do You Feel About Monogamy?

I've read articles that claim monogamy is impossible for gay men, and I've read comments both pro and con on here. I don't think that monogamy is impossible. I just think that people enter into it too quickly and too lightly, with no real understanding of what it actually means.

I see guys who have one or two dates, and say they're in a serious, monogamous relationship. Guys younger than me, even. It seems to me that some guys use monogamy as a way to hold onto their partner, a sort of ironclad guarantee that they'll stay together.

I'm not into NSA and random hookups. On the other hand, I'm 22 years old and I don't see how I can promise a guy I've just met that it will be him and only him for the next 50+ years.

I think that for my age, I have my life pretty well on track. I have my own place and a job I love that offers a clear path for advancement. I have a great, supportive family and a few good friends. But, emotionally and in terms of life experience and maturity, I have a looong way to grow.

When I start dating someone, if the subject of monogamy comes up, I tell them that I usually date only one person at a time (lol these days with work and school I barely have time for one guy), but that I'm not ready to promise monogamy right away. I would need to date someone for quite a while and be very sure of my feelings before I did that. The last guy I said that to called me a slut lol. What's interesting is that it seems to be a total turnoff for a lot of guys my age, while older guys are more inclined to respect the way I feel.

I also don't think that monogamy is carved in stone. People change, relationships change. For instance, I really want to have a child someday. If I'm lucky enough to be in a stable relationship and able to do that, I would want monogamy while we were raising a child. Kids go through enough confusing shit in this world, at the very least they deserve a drama free zone at home. But things might be different before or after that period.

It seems to me that honesty and communication are the important things, and not promises that may or may not be workable in the long run.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #2
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I make no distinction between gay men and straight me or bisexual men. A man who cannot be faithful to a relationship with be a cheater no matter his sexuality.

Personally, monogamy is important to me.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #3
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Since I've been giving this a lot of thought recently, I'll just go ahead and share what I'm thinking today.
A true, honest, monogamous relationship rewards you with the peace of mind that comes with knowing and trusting your partner fully. There are no STDs to worry about. You don't have to think twice before spreading your legs, as you know he will be good to you. You can talk about things freely and explore your sexuality together.
At the same time, apparently there's a risk of ending up like me. Confused and forlorn. Is the grass greener on the other side? Assuming you stop using your dating apps when entering into a monogamous relationship, you also lose a way of connecting with other gay men.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #4
JohnMusic
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Not all gay men cheat on their partner. Maybe if they are jerks.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #5
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Monogamy Is very important to me. When I find a man to love and share my life with I will be faithful. I have been cheated on and it hurts and I don't want anyone to feel the same as I did.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #6
Ibex
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If it's possible for straight people, it should be possilbe for gay people too.
Though I read that men are more prone to cheat than women are,so that's why they say monogamy is impossible for gay men.
And for you guys like yourself and others in that age range, like 18-say 30 will want to experience more before they settle with someone.
Live life right.

I for one, will probably stick to one guy at a time. I definitly won't cheat on anyone.
I won't tie myself down to anyone I've only chatted with online. I have to meet the person irl before I decide on if I want to stick to that person. People are diffrent irl. And you can't smell the person over the internet. I hate bad breath and bad odor. Though fortunatly most gay guys and bi guys will at least have good odor, use parfume.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #7
Justaguy
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I think a monogamous relationship is the only relationship I would want to be in. I don't see it as a crutch to progress the relationship or to rely on, and I certainly don't think it's wise to rush into one just because you've been on a few dates with a guy. Having said that I would only ever date one guy at a time (even if it's not yet been declared exclusive), out of respect and because I think truly getting to know someone takes a lot of time and effort, and that can't be done with more than one guy at a time IMO.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #8
InbetweenDreams
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Well it appears that monogamy is popular among those who are on the forum. However, it seems a lot of guys don't want a relationship at all...

Me well, I want a monogamous relationship. I don't know that an open relationship can work or is a good idea for most people. I suppose there are the outliers who can make an open relationship work, or even those who somehow have multiple partners? I mean who get's the check?

I think a monogamous relationship will be successful if both can communicate, be honest and the elephant in the room that no one talks about, character. I don't care how well you communicate but some people are just jackasses and are not capable of being a decent human being.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #9
TwisttheLeaf
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
I don't think that monogamy is impossible. I just think that people enter into it too quickly and too lightly, with no real understanding of what it actually means.
I agree. I see so many guys desperate for a connection that they leap too quickly. They forget that compatibility goes far beyond just looks and a smile.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
some guys use monogamy as a way to hold onto their partner, a sort of ironclad guarantee that they'll stay together.
I've seen this as well, and it's not limited to gay men.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
I'm not into NSA and random hookups. On the other hand, I'm 22 years old and I don't see how I can promise a guy I've just met that it will be him and only him for the next 50+ years.
Monogamy doesn't mean you're promising a guy that you'll "be him and only him for the next 50+ years". It means that for as long as you're -with- him, you'll be monogamous... or discuss with him wanting a change if it happens at some point. It's not a life sentence, nor set in stone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
When I start dating someone, if the subject of monogamy comes up, I tell them that I usually date only one person at a time (lol these days with work and school I barely have time for one guy), but that I'm not ready to promise monogamy right away. I would need to date someone for quite a while and be very sure of my feelings before I did that.
I think this is a wise and very mature way to handle things, considering what you're looking for and how you feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
What's interesting is that it seems to be a total turnoff for a lot of guys my age, while older guys are more inclined to respect the way I feel.
Younger guys that are seeking monogamy see it as a bright and shiny, flawless prize.
Older guys usually have enough experience under their belt to know it for the reality that it is, rather than the fairytale they want it to be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
I also don't think that monogamy is carved in stone. People change, relationships change. For instance, I really want to have a child someday. If I'm lucky enough to be in a stable relationship and able to do that, I would want monogamy while we were raising a child. Kids go through enough confusing shit in this world, at the very least they deserve a drama free zone at home. But things might be different before or after that period.
I think that this, also, is a very wise and mature outlook.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
It seems to me that honesty and communication are the important things, and not promises that may or may not be workable in the long run.
Agreed.

Prior to meeting Gideon, I avoided anything beyond NSA like the plague, but I never doubted monogamy existed or that others could do it. Some people's minds and emotions are just "wired that way". Just because it wasn't for me didn't mean that it didn't exist, or that others couldn't be happy within it.

When I met @Gideon, things changed. For the first time in my life, my focus seemed to hone in on one person and I just couldn't -see- anyone else anymore. This has never changed in eight years. I can look at plenty of women and men and say "yeah, that's hot", and yet it's only Gid that can get my motor running... and he can do it with just a glance.

From what I understand, he feels the same way. If anything? He's even MORE obsessed.... I'd estimate it to be about 3x more, actually.

And yet, we still talked about the "what ifs". We still agreed to each other that if anything ever -did- change, or either of us felt a waning of interest, or a temptation to stray, that we'd discuss it with each other BEFORE we go act on those temptations.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #10
Gemini
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnMusic View Post
Not all gay men cheat on their partner. Maybe if they are jerks.
Not sure where this is coming from, I didn't talk about cheating or advocate cheating in my post. I agree that cheaters suck. My point is, maybe there would be less cheating if people got to know each other really well before they rushed into a commitment.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #11
JohnMusic
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini View Post
Not sure where this is coming from, I didn't talk about cheating or advocate cheating in my post. I agree that cheaters suck. My point is, maybe there would be less cheating if people got to know each other really well before they rushed into a commitment.
sorry. i misunderstood the question.
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Unread 7th November 2016   #12
larafan25
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A relationship with one person? Impossible! Unless you're a loner.

Which is okay tbh
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Unread 7th November 2016   #13
meridannight
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Whether I want a monogamous or an open relationship depends on whom I am in a relationship with, and also his wishes. I don't have this preconceived notion that I have to be in a monogamous or an open relationship. I want to be with a man, is all I know. And different men are different, and different relationships work differently. I can see an open relationship working in the long run if both partners are committed to the relationship and one another, and not to the notion of somehow having it both ways -- the relationship and all the sex on the side.

That's not how I see open relationships anyway. It's still a relationship, and both better be aware of it. It does not mean that you have license to sleep around with whomever you please whenever you please. Although that is probably how it is thought of mostly. Your primary responsibility is to your partner, and if he doesn't like what you're doing you better get your priorities straight. Open relationship does not equal bachelorhood with a partner.

My current partner and I are in an open relationship because that's the way it works for us. There are no specific reasons why it's like that. That's just the way it came to be.

I don't feel particularly inclined to sleep around, even in an open relationship, (and I definitely don't need variety or different flesh) but I do meet men and connect with them, and things happen. Sometimes I do get an itch, though, so to say. But it is easier to scratch that itch myself, than to pass on having sex with a man I feel connected to. That's where my weakness lies, I guess. It's why I think I am capable of cheating. I tend to connect with men very strongly, and I have no moral bounds holding me back.

I do know that I want to settle down with one man and make a life with him. I didn't feel like that till my late 20s. It's now that this drive is really kicking in for me.
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Unread 8th November 2016   #14
TigerLover
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Monogamy is obviously not impossible for gay men, that's among the dumbest hypothatheories I've ever heard and probably started as somebody's frail excuse for being a man-slut.

That said I've a very strong aversion to monogamy. I really enjoy sex and meeting new sexual partners is thrilling. I love playing with new bodies and brains.... in a non-serial killer way.

In my experience damn near everyone has a different approach to sex and I want to sample them all. A mission aided by the fact that I've got very diverse tastes in men.

But even if I suddenly lost that drive to explore; monogamy would still be a really bad deal for me. My partner gets all the security and reassurance he needs but what's in it for me, I don't need either of those things. I can't imagine ever caring what my partner does with his body as long as he keeps it safe and healthy. So hell no, I'm not trading in my sexual freedom for some psychological pat on the back.

Though honestly I harbour some secret hopes that I'll 'mature' someday and want a monogamous relationship. That I will love a man so much I'll want to bind us as closely as possible and my sexual freedom will seem like a petty price to pay. I'll be all his and he'll be all mine and it will be ever so sweet.

But until that day.
Any1 in cov up 4 meets. Can accom.
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Unread 8th November 2016   #15
Cridders88
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Open relationships can work with good communication and both partners being on an equal footing, and them being in a strong and stable relationship. I have thought about how I would feel to be in an open relationship before, and I always come back to wanting a monogamous relationship only. Kudos to those in working open relationships however, whatever works for the people involved . It's just not me.

I do agree with @Gemini's original point however. It is easy to rush in to a relationship before you truly know that person, and getting to know someone takes time. You've got to make sure it is right (or at least right at the time, because things can change of course). Only when that feeling is there on both sides, do I then class myself as in a monogamous relationship. That has happened to me once in my lifetime so far. I do find it difficult though to date more than one person at a time (though I have done before), not because I feel I am being unfaithful or that I am in a relationship after a date or two, but if I've had a few dates and am getting on well with someone, I prefer to focus my attention on them, getting to know them more and spending time with them.
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