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Unread 1 Week Ago   #1
Sherlock
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Complex situation:
Met handsome, intelligent, successful guy ("B") last October. 20 years younger than me.
I'm twice divorced (1 straight, 1 gay - long story). I have 2 jobs (academic), and full time single parent of 3 kids (19,14, 12). I'm clever but can be a bit naive and chronically nice. I've been taken advantage of before and thought I was being careful not to repeat mistakes.
'B' came up from NYC in first week of dating (hard for me to get away from kids). He never left. He moved into the guest room because of the kids. We didn't have sex because he had "used sex in the past to get whatever he wanted". I respected both of those, though frustrated.
After a month went by and we still were not having sex and I was paying for absolutely everything, I started getting suspicious. He told me he huge lies - pathological level stuff:
'Parents died last summer', 'got diagnosed with HIV,' 'lost his job and apartment', 'was about to commit suicide until he met me', etc.
I was suspicious and I confess that I snooped worthily of my moniker. I found out his parents were very much alive, that he was denying sex with me because of fear of giving me HIV while cheating on me, etc.
All the time he was supposedly "working" via email, it was really grindr. Huge fight in February, but I took him back on condition we go to couples therapy and he gives up drinking - after three times he used my credit card for drunken binges to the point I had to cancel it - one while my dad was dying (major debts).
Since coming back he hasn't touched a drop and we've been going to therapy - though I'm not sure how much it's helping.
We talk a lot about intimacy-avoidance, but 8 months into this relationship and he's still living in the guest room, we've only had 4 sexual acts but it was clear he hated it. Not much affection or even snuggling. Yet, he gets very upset when I say it feels like we are just housemates.
We've talked about an open relationship, but I know I tend to attach affection to sex and we both fear I would fall in love. Also, I'd be very upset if he had an OR too - having sex with someone else but not me.
He says he loves me and is attracted by me. He's a great companion and wonderful with the kids. I'm willing to put the lying, stealing, and cheating behind us since he stopped drinking. Yet, the longer we are together, the more attached my kids and I get to him. I'm not sure I can live with an asexual relationship especially if it will be perpetual. We communicate a lot but he just seems to come up with a million reasons for not having sex or affection.
Is he a narcissistic sociopath? Am I just a sugar daddy? Is he an android? Or, do I need to be more patient?
For the last week he's been telling me he needs to make a decision: Party Boy on Fire Island or a life of responsibility. That sword of Damacles is making me very anxious.
Now that he's finally started working again (I put him through Real Estate training and found him a job), he is suddenly deciding if he wants to stay or go.
Advice?
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #2
kindy64
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He's 30 and still needs to make a decision "Party Boy on Fire Island" He needs to get past the loss of his youth. Though he is not old, he's a bit old to be as irresponsible as he is.

No one can say for sure what his true motives are.

The head and the heart can make for irrational indecisions...

What do you want out of life, and out of the relationship? That's what you need to answer first. If he's not capable of meeting those needs and is unwilling to change, then there's your answer.

Take care of yourself and your kids first.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #3
InbetweenDreams
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherlock View Post
Complex situation:
Met handsome, intelligent, successful guy ("B") last October. 20 years younger than me.
I'm twice divorced (1 straight, 1 gay - long story). I have 2 jobs (academic), and full time single parent of 3 kids (19,14, 12). I'm clever but can be a bit naive and chronically nice. I've been taken advantage of before and thought I was being careful not to repeat mistakes.
'B' came up from NYC in first week of dating (hard for me to get away from kids). He never left. He moved into the guest room because of the kids. We didn't have sex because he had "used sex in the past to get whatever he wanted". I respected both of those, though frustrated.
After a month went by and we still were not having sex and I was paying for absolutely everything, I started getting suspicious. He told me he huge lies - pathological level stuff:
'Parents died last summer', 'got diagnosed with HIV,' 'lost his job and apartment', 'was about to commit suicide until he met me', etc.
I was suspicious and I confess that I snooped worthily of my moniker. I found out his parents were very much alive, that he was denying sex with me because of fear of giving me HIV while cheating on me, etc.
All the time he was supposedly "working" via email, it was really grindr. Huge fight in February, but I took him back on condition we go to couples therapy and he gives up drinking - after three times he used my credit card for drunken binges to the point I had to cancel it - one while my dad was dying (major debts).
Since coming back he hasn't touched a drop and we've been going to therapy - though I'm not sure how much it's helping.
We talk a lot about intimacy-avoidance, but 8 months into this relationship and he's still living in the guest room, we've only had 4 sexual acts but it was clear he hated it. Not much affection or even snuggling. Yet, he gets very upset when I say it feels like we are just housemates.
We've talked about an open relationship, but I know I tend to attach affection to sex and we both fear I would fall in love. Also, I'd be very upset if he had an OR too - having sex with someone else but not me.
He says he loves me and is attracted by me. He's a great companion and wonderful with the kids. I'm willing to put the lying, stealing, and cheating behind us since he stopped drinking. Yet, the longer we are together, the more attached my kids and I get to him. I'm not sure I can live with an asexual relationship especially if it will be perpetual. We communicate a lot but he just seems to come up with a million reasons for not having sex or affection.
Is he a narcissistic sociopath? Am I just a sugar daddy? Is he an android? Or, do I need to be more patient?
For the last week he's been telling me he needs to make a decision: Party Boy on Fire Island or a life of responsibility. That sword of Damacles is making me very anxious.
Now that he's finally started working again (I put him through Real Estate training and found him a job), he is suddenly deciding if he wants to stay or go.
Advice?
If what you describe is true. You're being fucked over by this...man child. If you say he's 20 years younger that puts him at 30. Old enough to be a decent person.

Makes me very angry that people like that exist and yes I would classify him as a sociopath. I mean someone who knowing does that, knows what they're doing and that it is wrong on so many levels.

My advice is to send him packing. Make sure he doesn't have any access to credit cards. Might just have to chop them up and get new ones, new accounts with anything that he might have access to (Netflix, Amazon, you name it).
__________________
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And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully


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Unread 1 Week Ago   #4
Darius
 
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What you describe is not you being naive. I won't say what word I would use, but I suggest you search your soul for the reasons you would let a stranger move into your home and your life and delude yourself into believing there is potential for a meaningful relationship. What more does he need to do to prove to you that he is just using you? It sounds like he is a charmer and the charm worked on you.
Only you know if it's his youth that has beguiled you or desperation or something else.
Sometime we have to be brutally honest with ourselves about ourselves. Perhaps you were just vulnerable, but your children are now going to have to pay the price for your choices.

Sadly, to remove him from your home now you would likely have to go through an eviction process.
I'm sure he knows that. Once he is out of your house, you will know what he really thinks of you. If he stays involved with you, he might be genuine. If not, you were his doormat.

This is not meant to be unkind.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #5
Dan1980
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He's a grown adult behaving like a teenager. I congratulate him for stopping alcohol, but he needs a good hard look at his life. He can't keep living at yours free of charge. Look after your self and the children that all that matters.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #6
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You need to set this person free so that he can make his own decision and make it without the pressure that your support provides. You are enabling. At 30, he needs to be able to handle himself without a crutch.

You have emotional as well as sexual needs and your children need to see a healthy relationship as their model, not a dependent one.

Smile, be a friend, and set him free.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #7
Sherlock
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I'm truly grateful for the advice and observations. While I am in love with him, and my children are increasingly attached to him, there is an imbalance of power that worries me. The stress of their happiness, and everything our family has been through in the last year - divorce, my father's death, my brother's suicide, etc - it has been a lot for us, but also a lot for B to walk into.
I do know he's trying and is undecided. Impossible for me to tell if this is something he is maturing out of, or whether it is just the way he is. The lack of intimacy (emotional and sexual) doesn't make it easier. No way to tell if it will ever change.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #8
InbetweenDreams
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherlock View Post
I'm truly grateful for the advice and observations. While I am in love with him, and my children are increasingly attached to him, there is an imbalance of power that worries me. The stress of their happiness, and everything our family has been through in the last year - divorce, my father's death, my brother's suicide, etc - it has been a lot for us, but also a lot for B to walk into.
I do know he's trying and is undecided. Impossible for me to tell if this is something he is maturing out of, or whether it is just the way he is. The lack of intimacy (emotional and sexual) doesn't make it easier. No way to tell if it will ever change.
You say he doesn't pay anything, refuses to be intimate with you...he's using your family as an exploit to have leverage over you. Of course your kids like him, he's young and like the charmer he is he's charming them. The sooner you pull the dagger out the better, otherwise it just gets that much deeper. I can't imagine that you're happy about it, otherwise why post about it?

Is there anything he's contributed to while being with you? Like I say, this all being based on that everything you wrote is all true. I will also say it is very easy to paint a very bad picture of someone, easy to point out all their wrong, so is he doing anything "right?"
__________________
“Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.”

And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully


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Unread 1 Week Ago   #9
seeking
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherlock View Post
Complex situation:
Met handsome, intelligent, successful guy
But have alcohol problems and cannot find a job and has to live in your apartment paying nothing ?

Of course he needs to make your kids love him, that's the only thing he brings in this situation and that is what he is using you to hesitate to kick him out. Think about it, if your kids don't like him, would you be that hesitant to dump him away ?

KICK HIM OUT. sorry but I become furious as I read this. He is nothing but a guy using you and your kids with his charm. You should see this much earlier.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #10
Sherlock
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In between,
You are quite right. So easy to focus on problems and ignore the good.
B is great company, intellectually a very good match. He's fabulous with the kids - homework, charm (yes), and connecting with them. He cooks most nights, cleans, and shops.
Now he's about to start working again and will start contributing - depending on this big decision he is now processing.
Before we broke up in February, it was much lies, cheating, drinking, and stealing - and I kept hanging on the hope that what he was saying was true. Since he came back all of that seems to have stopped, as far as I know. Though, I admit it has not been easy for me to trust without some skepticism. Especially with so many reasons for not being intimate. Really cuts at my self-confidence.
I've sometimes wondered if he might have been sexually abused as a child. If so, then I want to be supportive and patient. Or, he might be a narcissist who is conning me until he gets all he wants.
I really wish I could tell. I do know we would all miss him if he decides to return to his former party-boi life.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sherlock View Post
The stress of their happiness, and everything our family has been through in the last year - divorce, my father's death, my brother's suicide, etc - it has been a lot for us, but also a lot for B to walk into.
This quote made me so mad. I'm not mad at you directly Sherlock, well I kind of am, but not in a nasty way. I'm mad you could have all that stress and worry and somehow say it must be hard for HIM to walk into?? From speed reading through all the posts above he's walked into some kind of free ride with plenty of lies and excuses - you don't need to start making excuses for him!!

I know it's nice to have good company but trust me, there are people out there who'll be good company AND PAY RENT.

I really wish you the best. I know I sound like a bitch, I'm sorry.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #12
Darius
 
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You didn't sound like a bitch, Ian.

We are all flawed human beings and we bring that imperfection into our relationships. Most of them are not fatal to that relationship. However, some people bring total dysfunction along with them.
This needs professional help and hard work. Sherlock's guy also sounds like a user.
Sherlock, you are a grown man, you can live with the consequences of your choices.
Your children shouldn't have to.
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #13
Sherlock
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Ian, I didn't take offense in the slightest. Thank you
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #14
kindy64
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Keep him on a very short leash monetarily, protect your assets
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Unread 1 Week Ago   #15
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The sex thing would be a deal breaker for me. I think you should break up. You're not a sugar daddy, they get laid. You're 49% doormat, 51% parent of 4.

Is he really worth it?
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