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Unread 4 Weeks Ago   #1
Mike
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Default Boyfriend wants a child...

Hello, guys!!! I need your advice urgently!I am Mike and I described my problem to you some time ago. You know I had problems in my relationships and I didn’t know the reason for this. Not so long ago we visited my boyfriend’s sister (It was at Christmas). Recently she has born a little angel, Susan. She is so tiny and I noticed how my boyfriend reacted on Susan. His eyes were full of happiness when he took Susie on hands… I realized that this can be the reason what we lack…when we came home I decided to speak to him frankly and as it turned out he really wanted to become dad… biodad… but I don’t know to the end if this what I want or what I am ready too…..
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Unread 4 Weeks Ago   #2
kindy64
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kids are not meant to "fix" a relationship...
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InbetweenDreams (4 Weeks Ago), TwisttheLeaf (3 Weeks Ago)
Unread 4 Weeks Ago   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kindy64 View Post
kids are not meant to "fix" a relationship...
That is exactly the truth.


So what problems do you see or does he see in the relationship?

One thing for sure kids won't make anything better. I compare things to wanting a new car, it is exciting and even still is when you get it but it wears off and raising kids if often what drives people apart over money and daycare and so on. I think it is great that he wants to be a dad but got to iron out whatever is going on between you two first before embarking on something that huge.

I mean for me, moving in with someone would be huge huge step for me...I couldn't imagine anytime soon to be bringing up kids....and yeah I'd love to have kids at some point, but got plenty to work on before I get to that.
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Unread 4 Weeks Ago   #4
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i didn't have an answer till i saw Kindy64s -- kids become your life if you have one , you and your bf then will always come second to the bundle of joy you have together - you need to feel like that if you want a child together - unless your Elton john with millions in the bank and can hand it off to a nanny like a fashion item then the baby has to be your life - if you cant give the child 100% then you need to say so now and discuss everything - it may not be as scary as you may think though
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Unread 4 Weeks Ago   #5
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Mike, if I am not mistaken, the last time you started a thread about this, you were the one who wanted to be a father.
Now it's your bf who wants a child and you are not sure that is what you want.
What's up with that?
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #6
Mike
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darius View Post
Mike, if I am not mistaken, the last time you started a thread about this, you were the one who wanted to be a father.
Now it's your bf who wants a child and you are not sure that is what you want.
What's up with that?
You know guys i can totally agree with you that you can't fix the relationships with the help of children. But for me now there is only one way out ...you know i love my bf very much and i can do anything for him to be happy. several years ago we had the same talk and then we decided to try adoption. i agreed even without thought that children are great responsibility and i might be not ready for it. but then it was ok, adoption process failed and then we though about surrogacy. everything seemed good and in the summer we were looking for the best destination for the program. then in September my bf's mother died and thought about surrogacy went away. i thought they will never come back. but the situation with Susan changed everything. i talked to myself - "if this really what i want?"
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #7
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So.... What's wrong in the relationship? Think about the consequences of a failed relationship with having a kid in the picture. I think it is a wee bit selfish that you don't think much about having a kid but more about what you want and somehow it making things better. Not being an ass here but things are being left out and I don't think people would be in good conscience giving the advice of yeah go have a kid.
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Mike (3 Weeks Ago)
Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #8
Mike
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yeahhh...the picture with breaking the relationships where a couple has a child doesn't seem so bright...maybe you are right that i am too selfish.... i say that i love my bf but in reality it seems not so because i think about myself and my life in the first turn...i am 37 but it seems like 17...maybe it is time for me to grow up already? my old friends (they are straight couple) behaved like children but then she suddenly gt pregnant and they decided to leave the child. we were afraid that they will not manage to cope with everything because they are children...but things changed greatly... they grow up together with their son
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #9
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You should only have a child if you BOTH want it. It's not something you can just agree about. You must really want it.

I think the reason why things change for people when they suddenly become parents is because - what else is there to do? A child is not a puppy or a kitten, that you can give back to shelter if you end up not liking it. Of course, the only possibility is to grow up and pretend to love the child even if they secretly don't.

And honestly this is something you should've talked about when you started your relationship. Because when one partner wants children and the other one don't, that's a deal breaker. You cannot compromise about that.
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #10
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@Mike So are you saying that you tell your bf that you love him but really you don't? I see that as a big problem in the relationship if that's what you mean. Do clarify.

All I can say is you have to be sure about things with him and he about you before bringing kids or really any time you're embarking on a relationship you're expecting to be in for the rest of your life.
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #11
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It is interesting, in fact, that because we are talking about a gay men couple, there is all this caution about getting the child. I don't think straight couples worry quite so much about kids when they 'happen' in the couple's life. The same responsibilities go with the territory, of course. But if one of you wants the kid badly, then it should be that person's responsibility first and foremost. Look at how many single-parent families have to manage with raising the kids, regardless of what the partner, spouse or other 'potential parent' thinks.

It is also interesting to note that here, in France, adoption for gay couples isn't something that you can officially do, but as a single person, you can perfectly adopt. That says a lot about the capacity of one person to raise a child on their own, regardless of their relationships.

Of course, I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't consider the child's life and upbringing at all. Of course you should make a big case of it, as it is a great responsibility, but I'm thinking the situation is a little skewed in that because we are not conventional couples, it is more important to solve the relationship problems before the child arrives. That's the ideal situation. Discussing the arrival of a child and planning for it is a good thing. Just remember that we cannot be assured of anything that happens in life however well we plan ours.
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #12
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Maybe you guys need to draw up lists of negative and positive points about having this baby. Write all the positives that you hope to get from this new relationship with a kid, and think of all the negatives that it will entail. You can then make more of an informed choice.
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #13
Mike
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guys, i think my main problem is that i still don't know what i want from my life. i failed many times last year. i was fired from two companies. i didn't achieve any success ...maybe it did some impact on my psychological state. i am 37 and in reality i didn't achieve anything. my man on the contrary received a promotion and now he earns pretty much. i try to find a new reliable job... maybe because of this i began to doubt about everything because i don't have a solid ground under my feet...
thanx for the advice. we will try to talk seriously and make the list of bad and good things concerning having a child. i also think that we should talk freely about what is going on with our relations...hope everything will be right.
i love my bf, i just think too much about myself.
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #14
InbetweenDreams
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Kind of sound like me, I mean different issues...and yes if I got fired it would have a major impact on me...not good. I don't think there's anything wrong with me being 30 and unsure or you being 37 and unsure with what you want to do with your life.

It is exactly that feeling of having solid ground under my feet that keeps me where I'm at. I keep waiting for that sense of security and control. It is in a lot of ways in our heads because we do and we don't have control. We can choose to get up on time or hit the snooze button but we don't control the 5 car pile up on the commute to work.

I think something that is important is finding something passionate, something that matters deeply to you, can be anything. You don't have to seek the career that is going to make you the richest person as long as you don't hate doing it or hate yourself doing it.

I think it is kind of natural to think of ourselves. You know worried about how you look, or whether someone is going to think you're a loser or whatever. Can internalize all these thoughts and the reality is they never saw you the way you seen yourself (grammar police?). Just like the way I see someone might seem miles apart to how they see theirself.

Anyway, not sure what sort of work you do or what happened...or what might be going on in your relationship...
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Unread 3 Weeks Ago   #15
princealbertofb
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Good luck with the talk, @Mike. It is probably the best way to go. I wouldn't be surprised that your two job losses actually left you a little depressed. And how can one think about the future, let alone a future with a new person in the family to take care of when one is depressed? Maybe the two of you, once you've discussed it, could get some counselling about how to raise the child? You may take home some interesting facts and truths to work through.
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