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Coming Out Are you still in the closet? Want some help and advice on coming out? (you can post anonymously in here! - requires >50 posts)

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Unread 20th April 2017   #1
Join Date: Apr 2017

Gay Man in a Monogamous Gay Relationship
in Minneapolis (USA)

Age: 29 (Starsign: Libra)

Posts: 1
Default Just came out to homophobic father in a letter

So I've been on my own since 15. My mother and I haven't spoken since I was 14. My father and I have only started to build a relationship there last couple years. I'm in a relationship with the best guy I've ever known. I've been able to not come out due to there being a 12 hour drive between where I live and where my dad lives. All of my siblings know and none have told him. After marriage equality all my dad butchered about was faggots taking marriage away from straight folk. So it's been a hard decision to tell him. However he has been very insistent on coming here and visiting me. I don't want him to find out when her gets here since my partner and I live together. I have called him 3 times this week and I can't manage to say the words so I put it in a letter. I'm a little freaked out because of the wait and I Am unsure if his response.IMG_0459.jpg
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Unread 21st April 2017   #2
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The image you have posted unfortunately is too small to read. It's one way to come out I suppose. From what you post it would seem that you have quite a close relationship with your Father and I would be surprised if he reacts too badly to what you have written. It's too late to go back now so let us know what happens. It's somewhat ridiculous for him to say that gays are taking marriage away from straights. That just doesn't make sense.
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Unread 21st April 2017   #3
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He may need time to accept it.
Good luck.
Gay by nature. Proud by choice.
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Unread 21st April 2017   #4
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in Seattle (USA)

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Is that letter page two? I was able to read it, but I seem to have missed the part where you tell him that you're gay in there. You say a lot about how much you love and respect him, and how much you hope he loves and respects (and accepts) you.... but no confession.

I hope he accepts your choices, even if it makes things awkward for a bit until he finds a comfort level with it all. Let us know how it goes, yeah?

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Unread 21st April 2017   #5
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@LONDONER Try this link, may have to zoom in a little but it is readable...

This guy has a purple heart, so he's served in the military and has been on his own since he was 15...

Not jumping to conclusions but sounds like his father is already a douche...why would a 15 year old be on their own anyway... My thinking is that you shouldn't have to explain yourself or prove that you're a respectable person to get the respect from your parents... Being gay doesn't equate to knocking up 3 women and having 6 six kids and paying child support living in a trailer park working 2 jobs and drinking heavily -- and the sanctity of marriage? Fuck, straight people have long fucked that up a long time ago...that or you force yourself to waste your one life with someone you hate....

At any rate, don't be surprised to not hear back from him or get a nasty letter back or him disowning you. If my parents did that do me, yeah sure I'd still love them but doesn't mean I have submit to their expectations of how they think I should live my life... Yes, easy enough for someone who has a accepting family to say fuck your dad and so forth because I can tell you I was hiding my sexuality for a long time from my dad... I guess he's ok with it but we don't talk much about it since it is kind of awkward...

I would be curious to hear about your relationship with your dad and why on Earth you were out on your own at 15? I don't know about you but if I ever become a parent, as terrible as teenagers can be at that age, wouldn't desert them... Thing's can get difficult, especially when a family splits, divorices and custody battles and crap... Comes right back to the so called sanctity of marriage, what sanctity? Never was, not that gay couples are any better at marriage, we're human and some studies lean towards staying with one partner not being natural...

Live your life, make it yours... I did ramble a bit, not trying to offend anyone but I think you should more than likely expect the worst in this case.
“Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.”

And as we seek so shall we find
And when you're feeling open I'll still be here
But not without a certain degree of fear
Of what will be with you and me
I still can see things hopefully


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Thanking InbetweenDreams for his/her post...
LONDONER (21st April 2017)
Unread 21st April 2017   #6
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You have made a brave step. Keep in touch here and let us know how it goes.

Welcome to Gayspeak. You now have a crew of new buddies. Be assured that we are just as strange as the general population. Your first 50 posts are monitored and some may ot post right away but you can get around that by playing word games to rack up the posts. Looking forward to your contributions.
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Unread 22nd April 2017   #7
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"Strange" in trying to define a person is relative especially anymore. You may actually be best to avoid him until he wants to come over. Maybe let him meet your BF as a frieND of yours that you are rooming with, then near the end, maybe be subtle (not in words, but actions,) showing him that just because you and he are gay, that you aren't as "odd" as his idea of what a "gay person" by his definition is...
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Unread 22nd April 2017   #8
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I hope everything goes well. Family is one of the few good things in this world, losing it must be devastating. But you deserve to know if your dad loves *you* or the person he believes you are. Don't give up hope if he doesn't take it well at takes time for many of us to accept who we are, it's only natural that the same goes for those around us.
But even in the worst case scenario, know that you did the right thing and saved yourself from the pain of dealing with it later, or living with the regret of lying to your father until the very end.
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Unread 22nd April 2017   #9
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Very true Piri, family is everything no matter if they choose to accept you right away or if it takes them awhile they are still family no matter what
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Unread 22nd April 2017   #10
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Hello @Liberty and to GaySpeak.
I was only able to read what I assume is the last part of the letter, that in which you don't mention your being gay and in a relationship with another man, but one in which you say you need his respect and wish to keep him as part of your life.

Your letter to him is a very brave move, and obviously a very necessary one too.

This is more or less why and how I came out to my mother. The difference being that I wrote her an e-mail. Kudos to you for showing as much bravery as you needed to show to earn that Purple Heart and Bronze Star in combat. You seem to have got over many hurdles on your own, and all on your own strength of heart and character, since you've been pretty much your own man since the age of 15. Why should the way you live your life (I stress YOUR life) the way your father would like you to, or the way he thinks life should be designed?

For one thing, whatever he may think of equal marriage, it's totally unfair to say that we have taken anything away from the marriage of heterosexual couples. This is a ridiculous argument, and I daresay your father actually knows it. He just needs to vent and take some form of bitterness out on someone and gays are just another easy target or scapegoat. The argument is getting pretty stale, to be honest.

I'm sensing, from the way you put your message, that your parents have been separated or divorced for quite a while (I'm not sure why I'm thinking this, but the way you talk of both your parents as separate entities : one entity that doesn't have anything more to do with you (your mother) and one who is part of your life (your father) tells me this.) and so it may be that your father feels embittered by his own marriage and how that went sour. I'm not sure. I may be reading too much into this.

Suffice it to say that you are NOT living HIS life, but are living YOUR life. You didn't ask to come into this world and you didn't choose to be gay (I'm guessing this is a no brainer for you) so now that you are an adult and independent, there's no reason for your dad's presence to be more influential than it needs to be. As you said yourself : "If you can't respect me (and my partner - goes without saying) you can't be part of my life." But he is your dad and it is quite normal to want him to be part of yours.

I'll tell you what. Maybe your father will be able to accept your relationship with your partner, but maybe it'll have to remain the elephant in the room, the thing that everyone sees but that no one can talk about. Some fathers are like that. Also, in any case, it may take time for him to come around.

Much as I felt I needed to tell my mother, in an e-mail, I never bothered to tell my dad. My partner just appeared one day and dad understood. No need to go into detail about it. Of course, it does help that I had a younger brother who was also gay, and I know that he didn't like his partners much at the time, but not for reasons of them being gay, more for reasons that they were kind of leeches, and he could see them taking advantage of him. I guess my dad's 'done his homework' since then. He could ask me questions if he wanted, he just chooses not to. But he does show respect to my partner and his way of integrating him into his life is to ask my loved one to do stuff for him, which of course my sweetheart does. Now both my partner's parents have died and my mum has died, my dad's the only parent we've both got left. We need to cherish that.

I have never judged my father on his many life partners (all female as far as I know) so I am grateful to him for not judging mine. I hope he can see that we are both happy with the arrangement.

I don't know if your father is a vocal person (the sort that can voice his emotions and feelings and worries etc.) or a deeds person (someone who will act because actions speak louder than words) but it's worth considering that acts can be a way of validating your relationship and your love for one another (I mean you and your father) rather than having long conversations that lead nowhere, except to resentment.
With time, which we've all had and needed to adjust to our situations, I daresay he'll be able to move on to a more positive attitude. Maybe he'll learn that gay couples are no different from other couples. I hope, for your sake, that he 'does do his homework'.
Take care, and good luck. You may be in for a pleasant surprise.
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