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Bitter people, Twisted minds, toxic relationships
#1
So as I promised a long time ago, I’d write this to you guys (Go to my "Ranting away on GS post to know what's up). Since I’ve been here on GS for more than a year, it would be fair to share my past in order get an idea of what I had to go through to be who I am today. Please, I don’t need any kind of pity or anyone to feel sorry for me; I needed my past to be my present. I don’t feel sorry for me so why should any of you?!
I came out a much better person with a lot more shaped personality.

Abuse cuts the veins of love and he cut mine a long time ago… Things went bad between us. So bad that our fights came down to a knife point… twice! He told me that he contemplated my killing, what my death would be like, what would happen after?... my dad is a fucked up fanatic who I can no longer handle being anywhere near his presence.
Writing this made me realize how twisted and bitter he was and still is, a disgusting hypocrite pig! He left a huge void inside me without ever showing any kind of remorse or regret. He didn’t even think that he was a bad person. Even worse, he always thought he was right.
I am somewhere I am not accepted. Somewhere I do not belong. I did everything I could to not let this unbearably bleak place dampen my spirit. In a course of a toxic relationship, people tend to envy you, criticize you, hurt you, break you, take you for granted, bring out the worst in you and blame you for it. Too bad my family turned out to be that... Toxic. Very toxic. My whole life, I have been expected to be this prototype son. I tried to behave in a certain way to fit their image of “the perfect son” I was trying my best not to let my parents down and even when I was the perfect kid, they never seemed satisfied. They always kept pointing out my flaws and focused on them. No matter how much I tried, it was never good enough. Nothing ever was.
My story began when dad cheated on mom by marrying another wife from behind her back. It broke her entirely since he was her first love, man, husband… Everything really. She loved him so much she would have given up everything for him.
Most people would decide to quit, leave the house and never look back! She didn’t. She stuck around for us. Sacrificed her life, heart and dignity so that we can grow up unharmed, normal and have an independent future.

While He went fooling around with his bitch of a second wife, he was drowning in debts and went broke. When things didn’t go his way, he resorted to my mother. But you don’t have a shelter after destroying it. Hence, my mom never let herself go down that path again. She refused to help him which he didn’t take well. He dealt with his shock by screaming, yelling, fighting, and once got physical with her. It’s not like she just sat and cried. No, she yelled, fought, screamed and hit back. She never feared him but she just got tired of his games; too tired. My dad being low on cash wasn’t going to help our situation, he needed to solve his problem so he sold our house and moved us into a tacky, misty, underground apartment. It was awful and too small to fit us all in… It consisted of two rooms, a bathroom and a kitchen and they all were small. There were six of us. Me, my brother, our three sisters and mom. We used to all sleep in one room. A year after, we moved into a better apartment. I was 12 then. My love for dad remained and I never minded him cheating on mom. I started minding him when he started favoring my two younger sisters over me and giving them a better treatment. How he used to talk to me, perceive me and treat me. He made me feel worthless, unhappy, like a slave. I felt like nothing. I was also getting bullied at school by a bunch of jealous kids because of my academic excellence. To top it off, I was going through my sexual confusion when I started looking at men in a different way; an affectionate and passionate way. Then I thought it was some kind of a rare disease. I went on Google trying to find some answers to what I was dealing with.
“Being gay isn’t a disease. Hence, there is no cure. It is perfectly normal and you can’t change it no matter how hard you try.”
When I read that answer, I was freaking out. Basically I used to go to school, get verbally or physically bullied. Go home, cry about it. Get told to suck it up and stop acting like a “girl” or a “Child”. Then go to my room and think about what “gay” is… Because being gay is a social catastrophe, there was no one to talk to. Hence, I had to figure it all out on my own. Sure, I stayed in denial for a very long time but I got there.
Getting abused at school, home plus the confusion of my sexuality turned into a pattern that went on for three years in a row until I grew up and changed. However, my father’s apathy and negligence continued and grew. He became someone I couldn’t talk to, communicate with or even recognize. When he used to call my name, I could sense a tone of vicious mockery in his voice. I could swear that he saw me as a rival. For all I know, he might have even feared me. His financial issues continued. He needed a permanent solution that doesn’t worry him about his problem anymore. It’s why he went off to get married to another woman. A third woman, his third “precious” wife. A poor, naïve and good hearted teacher with a steady salary. She had her own story. Divorced twice with a child to support and he took advantage of her. He lured her into thinking that he was a great man with amazing qualities. Not that she ever worried about his other two marriages. Until she gave him a loan after a loan, he took off his mask and showed his real-self. A mean, vicious, self-indulgent person.
He left her hanging. Stuck between his miserable marriage and divorcing him. If she divorced him, she’d have to do it without him paying her a penny and go back to her family under the dominance of her brothers and parents. Which doesn’t give her much freedom since they used to cash her paychecks from work. If she didn’t (which she is for now) she’s just going to have to live off of whatever is left from her salary because of the loans she gave him. She once begged him to stay with her (Since he only sees her once a month or two…) he gave her an ultimatum. Either him or her only kid. He offered to spend some time with her and stay at her place if she gave her kid up for her parents and not have him live with her anymore. Sure, she refused. That’s why he only sees her a few times a month and now she is just way too fed up with him and can’t handle him anymore, she just can’t. That’s why they are likely going to divorce (So I’ve heard.)
This is my dad, this is my family, this is my life and that’s my world. Those bitter memories he left me. So bitter I would feel ashamed if I spoke of them. They’re the only thing I got from him whenever I remembered him.
My dad has committed a crime. He took my pride, my dignity, self-esteem and self-respect. He took and took and took without ever giving back as much as he took. To me that is a crime and he deserves to go to trial for that. However, he got his punishment alright. He is a military retired, old, disgusting pig working on a small van, selling supplies like pens, shampoos, shaving razors… Etc to support his second family. Only, it isn’t enough to cover his second house living costs like rent, electricity, water, groceries and other stuff to support his new born baby. He suffers from many diseases… high blood pressure, cartilage (He cannot walk so well) and many other numerous diseases that he suffers from which I cannot recall since I stopped giving a damn..
That’s not it. Recently, my mom turned bitter. Nasty bitter. Never supportive about anything, always underestimating me and always makes me feel how my dad used to make me feel. This has been happening a lot lately. I can’t have a decent conversation without her somehow turning it to talk about how shitty my dad was, and still is… Or about how much of a bad son I am to her, or how I am an inadequate person… Or, or, or… She’s become the worst. They are no good to me. They always bring out the worst in me and make me look like the bad person in the end. Even worse, there is no one to agree with me here. Whoever I turn to talk to and share things with always takes their side. Sometimes, all I need is just someone to sit there, listening. I don’t want that person to fix anything or do anything. I just want him to be listening and understanding. I have lived a tough life in the past ten years… But, did I deserve it?
I always keep asking myself, will things get better? I am always hopeful yet it frankly hasn’t gotten me far enough. I won’t deny the fact that I always try to live a happy life and have a positive attitude, nor will I deny that also good things happen to me. Lots of good things but I just wanted to focus on the bad side of my life cuz it really is a tough part that I am still living and I wanted to convey this to you. I just know that when I leave out of here, I will never look back. Not once. I am not sure if I am just saying this now because I am in the moment of adversity and that perhaps my heart will soften when I am actually away and I will look back but one thing I know for sure is that I will never regret my decision of leaving. This is why your family doesn’t have to be your blood. You can always go out there and fetch your own family and I am not talking about a husband and a bunch of kids, I mean friends and people who are close to you. Nurturing relationships that bring out the best in you. All I am hoping for now is to not let this change me and become one of them. The thought itself is sickening.
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#2
I haven't the time to reply to this in full, [MENTION=21000]verysimple[/MENTION], but just wanted to say thanks for sharing all that. I think it is good to write this stuff out and get it out of where you can look at it and think about it clearly. You're absolutely right, what both your parents have done (or tried to do) to you, crush your spirit and sense of self-worth, IS a crime. And it should be punishable. No, there's no reason why you should ever "look back" once you're gone. You owe them NOTHING. HUGS! {{{{{{{{verysimple}}}}}}}
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#3
MikeW Wrote:I haven't the time to reply to this in full, [MENTION=21000]verysimple[/MENTION], but just wanted to say thanks for sharing all that. I think it is good to write this stuff out and get it out of where you can look at it and think about it clearly. You're absolutely right, what both your parents have done (or tried to do) to you, crush your spirit and sense of self-worth, IS a crime. And it should be punishable. No, there's no reason why you should ever "look back" once you're gone. You owe them NOTHING. HUGS! {{{{{{{{verysimple}}}}}}}

It hurts so much Mikey... I have to live with this nightmare everyday and they are SO CRUEL towards me... they still do talk mad bitter to me, they never liked me and then they say that I am the one who doesn't "Fit in"
I mean, is it too much to ask for a loving, warm family?? Cuz those people sure are nasty evil humans!
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#4
Wow, that is some fucked up stuff...enabled by cultural norms and practises that most of us will have no experience with...although there are many homosexual men who have had to cope with dysfunctional parents and relationships.....

Hopefully by setting it all out, it makes it easier for you to break free of them and be your own man.

From the sounds of it, except for owing your mother some respect for sticking it out while you were growing up, you owe her nothing else. Her bitterness and anger over your father is being transferred directly to you.

Get as far away from them and this mess as possible. And don't be like them in your own realtinships.
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#5
((((verysimple))))...I agree with [MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] ...and I am impressed with the honesty and humility it took to write this out. I think this will be your ticket out of the fate that might have otherwise been your destiny.....

Our secrets can kill us...kill our spirit..kill our soul....and way too many people keep them. Even worse...as you have discovered...there is a huge army of people waiting to make sure you keep your secrets...probably so they can keep their own.

I know...very well...from experience.....

My mom tried to kill me...many times...a lot of people knew it was her...but everyone makes excuses for the "family" Had she been fat...or toothless...or a drug addict...I might have gotten some help. But...she was beautiful (the kind of false bullshit superficial beauty that everyone falsely identifies as real beauty)...and Americans are addicted to beautiful people...so much that they will forgive them anything if they play it right. If you try to take down the false image of beauty...Americans get VERY ANGRY. Case in point...if a young pretty WHITE woman goes missing here (and she must be thin)...one of our major news stations..,,CNN.....holds a 24 hour vigil for her..for days..months...yet women of color..fat women...old women...go missing all the fucking time..not a word. The same day little beauty queen Jon-Benet was murdered (it was front page fodder for years).,...a little black girl had had poison shoved down her throat and was viciously raped and left in a coma,,,and no one gave a shit. The headlines and news reports claimed "Americans pour their heart out for Jon Benet"...but America's "heart" is a load of crap...because what they care about is false.... (I can rant for hours about this LOL)

I notice all this because of what I had to deal with when I grew up...and I LOVE that I notice it. I feel that I got the keys to my soul thanks to my family....and their horrible example.....

...and I don't care if other people are uncomfortable or want to ignore me if I speak of it...too bad. I kept the secrets long enough...I played the game I was expected to play...and then...I was done.....the secrets were killing me....

It took me longer than you...but here you are..so young..and you have the bravery to tell the truth....very rare...and very refreshing....and so maybe you can avoid some of the crap in the future by taking the wisdom and avoiding the pitfalls that await you......and you can avoid them...because you can see a lot more things for what they are...and that is a gift you might not realize. I don't think you will become one of them.....

I divorced my parents....and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself. I watch so many people slowly drown in the crap that their family laid out for them..but they wont' give them up...they would rather die on the cross ...hoping for their approval.....

,...but what bothered me...why would you ever want their approval at some point? It would be worse than not having it IMO....but again...there is so much nonsense and false bullshit about "Family is everything"...and "They are family..no matter what"....thanks to the church...so a lot of people just live horrific lives and then die because they never gave themselves permission to live.....drowning themselves in food...alcohol...religion....drugs...endless addictions.,..so they don't have to feel anything....because that is what drugs do...

If I had to do it all over again...I would not have announced my intentions to them or anyone else...I just would have slipped away quietly and never had another thing to do with them. I was not "sorry" like everyone said I would be...quite the opposite....

I hope you find a similar solution verysimple...and give yourself every chance to overcome your family and become the person you want to be......and don't be afraid to let them go..Bighug
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#6
verysimple Wrote:It hurts so much Mikey... I have to live with this nightmare everyday and they are SO CRUEL towards me... they still do talk mad bitter to me, they never liked me and then they say that I am the one who doesn't "Fit in"
I mean, is it too much to ask for a loving, warm family?? Cuz those people sure are nasty evil humans!
Well, I agree, it does hurt, it is a nightmare, it is cruel. Everything you said. I grew up in a dysfunctional family but not as extreme as yours. My mom tried to be supportive. My dad put me down repeatedly: His bottom line message to me was: "You're the biggest disappointment of my life and you'll never amount to anything."

You would think it wouldn't be "too much to ask" to have a loving, warm family. But the fact of the matter is, MOST HUMANS do not. Some do, but they are the exception, not the rule. And that's because the overall human condition -- the level of development of most people -- is very low.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I learned through being in therapy for years is that I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE for the craziness in my family. We take it to heart, AS IF what they say and do has SOMETHING to do with US. Fact is, that's false. It has nothing (or very little) to do with US at all. Its about THEM... their damage, their inner pain and chaos that the've never looked at, owned, and taken responsibility for. The thought has never even crossed their minds. SO we ARE the "victims" here, truly.

What you're describing is abuse, emotional abuse (and from what you say, physical abuse as well). Abuse leaves scars.. emotional abuse is "invisible" to the naked eye; one has to look more closely at what is going gone inside a person to SEE it. But the scars are there.

Human children NEED what is called "positive reflections". That is, much of our sense of self and self-worth is taken from how other people respond to us as children (especially our parents and siblings). If they reflect us as strong, creative, loving, intelligent beings, then that's how we see ourselves. If they reflect the opposite, that becomes our self-image (or at least a large part of it).

You're VERY fortunate to have a good head on your shoulders. You're smart, clever, perceptive. You see what is going on around you and how it is affecting you. You feel the hurt, the pain, and the longing for what you don't have. What you may not be able to see is to what extent it is shaping reactions you have to other people. That may take some time to sort itself out... once you're away from them and involved with choosing your NEW family and lover(s). Then you'll see how some of them is still embedded in you. It is one thing to get away from home, it is quite another to get the "home" programming out of our heads. This, IMO, is fairly unavoidable. BUT the good news is, if you can see it for what it is, it is relatively easy to over-write the old programming with new options for thought, feeling and behavior. Just be prepared... you WILL make mistakes. That, too, is unavoidable. BUT, the good news is you can learn from them if you own them for what they are and just keep trying to discover who YOU are... seeing yourself the way they have NOT seen you. For sure, you want to be very careful in choosing your friends and partners; you do NOT need someone who will negate you or put you down or point out your short-comings. Quite the opposite. You need someone who sees all your good qualities and reminds you of them over and over and over again.

Some guys I worry about. I don't worry about you. I know you're going to have a great life. I just wish we were closer so we could share some of it IRL. Xyxthumbs
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#7
Sounds as if your own parents are your worst enemies, which is beyond terrible. I can understand why you've written off your dad, but your mother's nagging seems to be a more recent development, if I read your story correctly. Have you asked her what bug crept up her ass that made her become so bitter not to long ago? Does she know how much she hurts you? If you've done all this and nothing has changed, time to write her off as well.

Btw, do you have any other family nearby where you can turn to for some support? How's the relationship with your brother and your sisters?

It's a miracle you're so together after all this, so keep your head high and try to get out of the situation as soon as you can. I have no idea what is possible for you, but you should develop some kind of escape-plan, to have something to look forward to.

I'm stereotyping here, but I guess your situation is one that is shared by many young gay men in Muslim countries. Are there any internet resources for young gay Muslims you could tap into? A few months ago you wrote happily about some friends you met through your bf and how that all soured very soon. Are things ok again or have they completely disappeared from your life?

Thanks for sharing all this, it must gave been difficult to write this all down. Don't worry if you don't want to answer my questions on here, they are more for your benefit, to give you ideas.
Bernd

Being gay is not for Sissies.
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#8
Much as some parents try to kill the spirit in their children, in your case they did not succeed. You are a strong young man despite all that happened.
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#9
I am not an active member, usually just browse the posts. But your story moved me.

I wish you all the best for everything in your life in the future. I hope you find a new life and do not let the past hinder you.

I also want to talk about your mother....from what you've written I think I might understand her change. My mother had undergone the similar change due to similar reasons, although it's milder. I think what happened on her had made her become like this. She probably doubts everything and see dangers and betrayal and dishonest everywhere, and most likely think many people around her are mean to her and thus she will find someone to release all her feelings of unfair, unjust, hurt and betrayal...

I guess (can't say I really do, but just want to share and maybe help, if possible) I understand how much you do not want to deal with this, because I also had (and still do ) similar feelings towards my mother. However, the core cause of this was that one evil person that buried all these seeds into the family. Thus, I think, rather than leaving the family and never turn back, be the light of your remain family and try to remove those seeds and buds that corrode your family.

I would be hard and there would be a lot of obstacles, however, when you have struggled through, I think your remain family could get better, all of you will become more cheerful and you have a part in your life being saved and cured, which will become a strong support and consolation for all of you.

Yes, it's always easier to say than done, yet that's the way I am trying to to with my family (mostly my mother) too, although sometimes I also feel tired, I'll keep trying.

I hope you find this helpful. But no matter what, big hug for you and again wish you all the best in your life!
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#10
At 49 years of age I am still dealing with "stuff" from the ancient past (my childhood).

The blanket statement "it gets better" isn't a full truth, nor is it a full out lie.

The reality is "it gets better IF you do something to make it better."

I can tell you that what I did to deal with "shit" wasn't altogether the healthiest way to deal with shit. Instead I took to alcohol and drugs to self medicate, then tried suicide and a few other interesting things, then I didn't seek 100% honest truthful assistance with my "crap". I lied, profusely, continuously and only slowly through decades admit to truths, which once I admitted to 'simple facts' I was able to start working on aspects of my ancient past.

In one way it was the best way (for me) to deal with the crap - but then dealing with all of the crap at once mayn't have ended well.

It seems to me you are admitting and trying to deal with some of your crap, which at aged 20 is hella times better than waiting until you are 30 - you are a decade ahead in this game, which means that you have a much higher success rate IF you figure out how to seek out professional help to actually work on your crap.

I'm sorry, but coming to some random forum and admitting to X, Y, and Z is only about 2% of the hard work - you need professional help to deal with the abuse and the fall out of that abuse and the emotional wreckage that you have been left with.

How you proceed from here is dependent on various factors, a few are the culture you are in (not conductive to LGBT concerns, so getting the right professional help is going to be hard. Another aspect is knowing your limitations. Yeah sure, ideally dealing with all of the crap and learning coping skills and moving on is an ideal, but practically humans do not work that way, humans need time, need to box things up into smaller, easier to handle packages and learn how to stack those smaller packages in a tidy heap someplace isolated from 'normal' life which allows them access to the 'crap' yet in a healthy way, to where you can learn from these experiences positive stuff that allows you to be a 'good person' with the rest of your life.

I won't lie, its not an easy job, its a lot of hard work and for most people its a never ending job. BUT I can assure you that if you are honest and open with yourself you do not have to allow all of this to destroy the good man that is you.

Sure, it is easy to play the blame game, however learning how to forgive, how to give THOSE PEOPLE the allowance to go ahead and live the rest of their life the way they want to is part of the learning process that makes you a better person.

Yes you are hurt, injured, sad, etc. etc. etc - all of these are valid emotions to have, however if you allow those to be the only emotions you let form you from here on out then you will not be a healthy man later on. Reconciliation between 'the hurt one' and 'myself' isn't an easy thing, and the older you get, and the longer you allow the 'hurt one' to carry the pain, the harder it will be to find 'myself'.

No, you cannot run away from this. Sure you may think running to a more LGBT tolerant place will make life easier, but it won't - where ever you go there YOU will be, that you will include all of this other crap as well.

You need, therefore, figure out a system that allows you to live with the man in the mirror. I'm sorry there is no one size fits all solution for that. Your path from here to the future is unknown and unknowable. You can choose to take the bad with you or the good.

That is all the best advice I have for ya. Sorry.
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