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Centipede... bad joke warning! :D
#1
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'
Again there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,
'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS

A little voice came out of the box:

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'I heard you the first time ! I'm putting my bloody shoes on!'
Note: No trees were destroyed in the sending of this contaminant free message. However, I do concede, a significant number of electrons may have been inconvenienced.
#2
Hilarious!!! Riotous!!! lolissimo Laugh :biggrin: Supergrin

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.
#3

[B]The Cop and the Tree Hugger
A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a young guy tied up, hugging a tree and crying for help. The officer stops and approaches the young man.

“What’s going on here?” he asks.

The guy sobs, “I was driving along and I picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, he took all my money and all my clothes. He tied me up, jumped in my car and he left me stranded here hugging this tree.”

The cop studied the guy's sweet young ass for a moment, pulled down his pants and whipped out his fat dick.

“Well, pal, I guess this just isn’t your lucky day.”
[/B]
#4
What The Doctor Said

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

“Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder," he said. "If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

The doctor continued, “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “Well, dear, what did the doctor say?”

To which his wife responded, “He said you’re going to die.”


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