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Coming out to parents
#1
Hey all, I'm new here to GS (22 year old male) and I'm hoping to get some advice from some of you. I started coming out in November of last year (2010), so being out is still very new and exciting for me. I am absolutely loving the fact that all my close friends know and I can be completely open about everything with them now. With that being said, I'm still struggling with coming out to my family, in particular my parents. I came out to my sister who was totally fine with it but I just don't know how to come out to my parents. I plan on coming out to my mom first but I keep seeing perfect opportunities slip by as I continually fail to muster enough courage to actually say "I'm gay". I should note that my family is not religious, I don't live in a particularly conservative area, and I don't fear being shunned by family as they are not prejudiced in any way. I think the majority of my fear comes from how unpredictable their reactions will be. My mom has made comments in the past about gay couples being "weird" or "not normal" and although I know she will accept me (even if it takes some time) I don't want her or my dad to be disappointed in me. And I also don't want it to be awkward/that topic that's never talked about. I'm definitely ready for them to know and I know my boyfriend wants them to know about and even meet him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance Smile
#2
Have you thought about engineering some circumstances where you have to tell them? Just as a way of telling them a matter if necessity rather than courage?
Fred

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
#3
Well, maybe they will be disappointed but that is inevitable, I mean....but then, they are going to accept you, I am sure. So don't worry. Just go ahead and do it :]
PENNYWISE LIVES
#4
I'm in the exact same position... (friends & sister know... wanting to tell parents). The only thing is my mom is more religious. Sounds like you could handle it the way that you have done it with your friends. How did you tell them? I told some of my friends with the classic "I have to tell you something..." and I told my sister after she had been pestering me about my "girlfriend" for weeks, haha. Both worked out fine.

My mom ALWAYS asks if I "have liked anyone" lately, or who I'm hanging out with, so I think those are the opportunities that would make it easiest to break the news to her. Assuming we're alone and stuff. Would that work for you?
#5
You sound like me with my parents. I knew that they would support me, but somehow it was still the hardest thing in the world to tell them. I can't tell you how I managed to muster the courage to tell my mother, it just happened. With my father, I gave him a card at christmas telling him and still my heart was beating like a drum. So all I can say is that its like ripping off a band aid, just do it and it will be over.

Also, go to the coming out section of the forum to read some of the more inspirational stories if you are looking for a boost in your courage.
In the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't. You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair... but its the way things are. The choice is yours. ~ Zidane Tribal

Hope is comforting, it allows us to accept fate no matter how tragic it may be. ~ Yunalesca

"Απο μακρυά και αγαπημένοι παρά απο κοντά και μαλωμένοι"

There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met ~ Gonzo
#6
You have a boyfriend, you're ready to come out. Why not just say to your mum you've met someone special and you'd like to bring him home? I find pronouns very useful. Wink The conversation can often move on without skipping a beat. The other person can be processing that information and mustering their questions while you haven't forced them into any kind of corner. Your boyfriend will love you and be proud of you for finally giving him a recognisable identity and you won't have to pretend. Win all round.

Don't worry about the comments your mum has made about the weirdness of same sex relationships. There are generally only two reasons for such comments: 1) she doesn't really know any gay people very well and 2) she suspects and is giving you an opportunity to say something. There is a third reason, but she doesn't sound like a homophobe.

Good luck!
#7
Thanks for the responses everyone, the support means a lot! I think I might try one of the approaches mentioned. Instead of lying to her about where I'm going when I'm going to see my boyfriend, I might try telling her that I actually am going to Boston to see someone I met. This way, she will probably ask more questions on her own and I think it will be easier for me to tell her that way. I don't know why but I would just feel more comfortable if she asked me instead of me telling her. If she were to ask me point blank, "Are you gay?" I would absolutely say yes but for me to initiate the dialogue is very intimidating. I know she knows something is up (and honestly she has probably suspected I might be gay for awhile now) because she has access to my banking information and can see where I've used my cards (aka in my bf's town an hour away). Normally when she finds something like this out she tends to ask a lot of questions but something tells me she is waiting for me to come to her when I'm ready. Little does she know I want her to come to me! Haha. Thanks again for the responses, I really appreciate it!
#8
Whenever you feel its the right time is all I have to say. make sure you're ok with coming out fully and expect anything to happen so basically brace yourself but I do hope everything goes well for you Smile
#9
Why on earth does she have access to your banking information?
Fred

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
#10
The same question I would have asked, Fred.... However, good luck with the coming out process. I think basically, Marshlander had it covered for the advice that seems the most practical. Now that you actually have a boyfriend, it is quite logical that you tell your parents about that part of your life. Your mum might like to know, also, that you are being careful. You know, the old condoms thing. So let her know before she needs to ask you, or answer that you've got it covered. Wink (that could pass as a pun!)


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