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Crisis of Conscience
#1
Hi guys,

I'll cut to the chase. I'm a Bi guy and i've been in a straight relationship for four years now. Things are fine with my GF - i think we have a pretty good relationship - the only problem is my sexuality. I've never been with a guy as i was only really coming to terms with my sexuality when i met my gf. So now i'm comfortable with being bisexual but the only problem is i'm in a committed relationship. I told her really early on in the piece, about 6 months, but i dont think she really took it very well. She hasnt mentioned it since and i generally think she feels threatened by it, i.e. that one day i'm going to decide that I'm gay and i dont lover her any more.

The problem is with me. I fantasise about being with a guy all the time. Its a really strong drive for me and i've spent most of my post adolescent life sexually frustrated. I've came close to meeting guys on the net discreetly but my conscience has got the better of me every time. I dont think i can tell her and i'm not sure she'd be comfortable with me seeing guys. So what should I do? Should i just bite the bullet and go behind her back? Should i see an escort? Should I just tell her and hope for the best, and stay jacking off to gay porn at night if the best doesn't happen? If there is anyone else who has been or is in a similar situation i'd love to hear how you dealt with it.

Thanks in advance!Confusedmile:
#2
But you love her and all? And you won't dump her for an experience with a guy? I mean, you can always do it behind her back, you know, find somebody and go for it, but...if you tell her and things go to extremes...won't that be kind of better because you would be able to openly be with a man?
PENNYWISE LIVES
#3
SlipknotRlZZ Wrote:But you love her and all? And you won't dump her for an experience with a guy? I mean, you can always do it behind her back, you know, find somebody and go for it, but...if you tell her and things go to extremes...won't that be kind of better because you would be able to openly be with a man?

Yeah i think i do love her, i'm scared of losing her. What if by telling her i screw up the relationship, but if i cheat i'm not sure i can look myself in the mirror?
#4
Not trying to be the ultimate individualist and fighter for personal rights here, but...if you tell her and she does not want to accept you and your desires and help you...well, maybe she is not the right person..? I know that it's a little bit more complicated than this, but if you look at it this way... Of course, it is understandable that she might not be okay with letting you to have sex with another guy, yet if she loves you, she would do it for you under the promise that it will be just this one time or something like that.... :/
PENNYWISE LIVES
#5
Hi scnivles446,

I'm one of the people on here who was married for a long time and now I'm not. I am much happier in my present relationship and even though my partner and I are often separated by hundreds of miles for weeks at a time I have no problem keeping this relationship monogamous.

I will never be proud of myself for the way I behaved in my "previous life", but you might just project forward a few years. This feeling you have is not going to go way. Jacking off to gay porn is going to feed your curiosity as well as provide a quick release. I daresay she is hoping that not mentioning the issue means there is no pink elephant in the room with you.

My feeling is you are going to be driven to do it sometime. If the relationship is going to break up, would you prefer it to happen sooner or, perhaps, later when maybe you have dependent children too? Talking may be a good option, but in the end the decision has to be yours. I don't see any easy decisions ahead. Best wishes to you and your girl friend.
#6
Cutting straight to the chase, how do you find sex with her? If its great, wonderful, satisfying, etc. then I have to ask you what is it you think you are missing out on? You've said yourself you've a lot to loose. If the sex isn't that great then it's much more complicated. I certainly would not advise dishonesty or going behind her back.
Fred

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
#7
fredv3b Wrote:Cutting straight to the chase, how do you find sex with her? If its great, wonderful, satisfying, etc. then I have to ask you what is it you think you are missing out on? You've said yourself you've a lot to loose. If the sex isn't that great then it's much more complicated. I certainly would not advise dishonesty or going behind her back.

The sex is generally pretty good, sometimes its great, sometimes not so great, though we have different levels of need i guess. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that If i try to initiate sex as much as i would like I'm going to spend a lot of time feeling rejected. Plus i think I'm more adventurous sexually. But that being said we have a reasonably healthy sex life i think.

I don't think this can be conceptualised in the context of unfulfillment in the current relationship, I've been in the same position for years - i.e. wanting to explore bisexuality - but stopped because at first i couldn't deal with it and now my relationship. It just feels like a strong biological need, or something.
#8
marshlander Wrote:Hi scnivles446,

I'm one of the people on here who was married for a long time and now I'm not. I am much happier in my present relationship and even though my partner and I are often separated by hundreds of miles for weeks at a time I have no problem keeping this relationship monogamous.

I will never be proud of myself for the way I behaved in my "previous life", but you might just project forward a few years. This feeling you have is not going to go way. Jacking off to gay porn is going to feed your curiosity as well as provide a quick release. I daresay she is hoping that not mentioning the issue means there is no pink elephant in the room with you.

My feeling is you are going to be driven to do it sometime. If the relationship is going to break up, would you prefer it to happen sooner or, perhaps, later when maybe you have dependent children too? Talking may be a good option, but in the end the decision has to be yours. I don't see any easy decisions ahead. Best wishes to you and your girl friend.

I guess I just hoped that she would be ok with it, I mean I would be fine with her doing the same thing as long as i was involved, but i dont know if she could cope with it. That being said i dont know how she will react. So you wouldn't advise going behind her back? I've been told buy a few guys (trying to pick me up mind you) that having a discrete boyfriend or 'buddy' may actually save my relationship, therefore it would be the right thing to do buy her. I'm not sure i'm capable of it anyway, i've tried and just couldn't go through with it.

Thank You for the kind words and advice. Its good to know others have been through this before.
#9
SlipknotRlZZ Wrote:Not trying to be the ultimate individualist and fighter for personal rights here, but...if you tell her and she does not want to accept you and your desires and help you...well, maybe she is not the right person..? I know that it's a little bit more complicated than this, but if you look at it this way... Of course, it is understandable that she might not be okay with letting you to have sex with another guy, yet if she loves you, she would do it for you under the promise that it will be just this one time or something like that.... :/

Yeah i know, but i just feel like i have a heap to lose if it doesnt work out. But maybe thats what has to happen? I dont know.....
#10
scnivles446 Wrote:I guess I just hoped that she would be ok with it, I mean I would be fine with her doing the same thing as long as i was involved, but i dont know if she could cope with it. That being said i dont know how she will react. So you wouldn't advise going behind her back? I've been told buy a few guys (trying to pick me up mind you) that having a discrete boyfriend or 'buddy' may actually save my relationship, therefore it would be the right thing to do buy her. I'm not sure i'm capable of it anyway, i've tried and just couldn't go through with it.

Thank You for the kind words and advice. Its good to know others have been through this before.
It's useful for you to know that you could not go through with being unfaithful and trusting a man on heat is probably not the most sensible move!! I found leading multiple lives very debilitating. I hated myself for what I was doing, put my health at risk (not really my wife's because our sex-life had come to a stop many years previously) and found maintaining all the lies increasingly confusing. During my cruising days I met many men who had been married before and some who were still married. Some of these seemed able to maintain a secret sex life. Those who were now separated or divorced still had problems, but they seemed nothing like the magnitude of those who were still in relationships. I just knew that I was a really crap liar and hated the deception. Had I continued trying to live these multiple lives I am pretty certain I would not be here to write about it.

What I can say is that the pain of breaking up my family still hurts, but I do have the compensation of knowing what being able to love and be loved by another man feels like. I am again on pretty good terms with all my family, even my ex (and even if that did amount to me offering to rod out her drains last week and her phoning me on Monday to see if I could help her escape from Manchester after her car died!) although that part has taken years of work. I don't think I could have managed any of this without the love, trust and support of my dear partner, princealbertofb.


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