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Does anyone else feel this?
#1
I've had quite a bit of "sexual fun", but everytime I have it I seem to feel bad about it...and want a relationship straight away instead of waiting around.

Most gay lads around my area are not really looking for something serious, and if they are I usually aint their type or their not mine. It's just typical life, annoying!

I mean, I just don't get why I can't have fun and not feel bad about it afterwards?

btw I don't wanna slag around, I'm just simply asking why I need someone so badly...and why I feel bad about it.
#2
You are 19 and have a healthy sexual appetite so you sound normal to me but if I were to give you any advice I would ask you to ask yourself exactly why you feel bad about it? Do YOU really feel bad in your heart and soul or are you judging yourself based on other people's opinions that you have collectively and probably unwittingly gathered along the way? I always used this advice for myself: Free your mind..the rest will follow. The trick is knowing what ideas are yours and what ideas belong to other people and/or institutions (religion is the usual culprit) that you may have internalized.
#3
Probably because you are a human being, with natural desires. Some of these desires are sexual as well as relational.

Sexual fun is enjoyable, but you beat yourself up afterwards because maybe it means you are a slut and you let your body out too easily...

Why do you NEED someone? Maybe because you are missing something in your life and need a hole filled. It is best to look inward first and ask yourself what exactly is missing, and then decide the best way to go about that.

And also, YOU must define what is ok and what is not ok in your life. Are you happy having whatever sexual fun you are having? Do you say it is ok? Or is it not ok? Never mind what others think, YOU must make your rules. And also, give yourself a break and don't beat yourself. You are a human being, you make mistakes, you do things you want and things you don't want... life is a learning curve.
#4
eastofeden Wrote:You are 19 and have a healthy sexual appetite so you sound normal to me but if I were to give you any advice I would ask you to ask yourself exactly why you feel bad about it? Do YOU really feel bad in your heart and soul or are you judging yourself based on other people's opinions that you have collectively and probably unwittingly gathered along the way? I always used this advice for myself: Free your mind..the rest will follow. The trick is knowing what ideas are yours and what ideas belong to other people and/or institutions (religion is the usual culprit) that you may have internalized.

Hehe you just echo exactly how I think in life in general.
#5
»Post coitum omne animal triste est, sive gallus et mulier.«
maybe Aristoteles or Gallus ( Galen )

»Afterwards coition every animal is sad, whether the cock//Rooster// and a woman."

means that the problem of sadness - mostly by men - is known since thousends of years....

For me it helps to have sex only with friends ... not with strangers. Very easy but very hard Wink

Watch out for a relationship or a very good friendship ... and the problem is solved... Confusedmile:
Proud to be Gay & Pagan
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#6
I recently read a book called The Velvet Rage (I seem to be using that a lot recently, but it really opened my eyes a lot about a number of things). One of thing things it suggests is that in a gay man's formative years (childhood to teenage years) they will receive various validating signals from society (and in particular their parents). These signals include things like conversations about relationships (m-f), the way your parents interact with one another (again a m-f relationship) and so on. The gay man grows up knowing that m-f relationships receive validation. There is very little in the way of validating signals for m-m relationships (at least not sexual ones - maybe the macho butch lets beat ten-bells of crap out of each other on a rugby park kind).

Anyway, this lack of validation means that gay men can feel bad about themselves when they think about other men sexually or act upon those urges.

However, you still go back for more? Why? Because you do receive validation during the act because there is another man who is validating your feelings. But somehow (and this is part of the book I don't yet understand) this is not fully "authentic" validation. I think that is due to the ephemeral nature of the relationship.

I am not sure how to get past that stage. I don't have these feelings and I think that the point in my life in which I did, I was also suppressing so much other stuff that I wasn't aware of it. At some point you will come to an acceptance (and I have no idea how you get there - for me it was just an increadibly open friend who shared so much with me that it just helped me overcome a lot of things without really knowing it was happening)

I hope this helps you understand your situation a little better. Sorry I cannot be of more help. Hopefully, it will give you enough for you to see the clues in your own life in order to take control again.
#7
Two questions....

Do you feel sad about the relationship you are not in or feel guilty for not being in it?

If you do feel guilty, why?
Fred

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.
#8
rsconceptions Wrote:Hehe you just echo exactly how I think in life in general.

That is funny...and understandable...because when I read your advice I think along those same lines myself....

Probably because you are a human being, with natural desires. Some of these desires are sexual as well as relational.

Sexual fun is enjoyable, but you beat yourself up afterwards because maybe it means you are a slut and you let your body out too easily...

Why do you NEED someone? Maybe because you are missing something in your life and need a hole filled. It is best to look inward first and ask yourself what exactly is missing, and then decide the best way to go about that.

And also, YOU must define what is ok and what is not ok in your life. Are you happy having whatever sexual fun you are having? Do you say it is ok? Or is it not ok? Never mind what others think, YOU must make your rules. And also, give yourself a break and don't beat yourself. You are a human being, you make mistakes, you do things you want and things you don't want... life is a learning curve.


...I agree with everything you said 100%Cool
#9
Actually, No. I have always been this resistant person that did not allow himself to be influenced by the thoughts, beliefs, and condemnation of Religious sects, society, etc. So when I have sex with a man, I feel great before and after. I have no desire to wash off, physically, or emotionally. I think you have been influenced deeply to feel badly about your choice, and the push pull of it all has you bewildered. In time you will learn to wholly accept your choice, and rid yourself of this ill feeling. It is merely, a matter of self-acceptance.
#10
Most likely you 'require' a partnership with your sex partner that fills other deeper needs that goes beyond the short moment of lust and pleasure.

Sex is a complex thing that has a lot of various emotional attachments to it. Aside from lust and pleasure, we also use sex as a way to form intimate bonds with potential mates.

I have only had 8 sex partners in my whole life. 6 of them were honest attempts at long term relationships.

I figured out pretty early on that 'just sex' is not something I need. I think you are figuring that out for yourself.

Love can not be forced, love happens and setting a narrow band of 'types' to explore potential love with is a dead end street. If you are uncomfortable with random acts of casual sex, then you need to tell potential sex partners 'No, I'm more interested in a relationship'.

Eventually you will come across others who like you want more than 'just sex'.

It is not a problem, sure some queens will be mean to you, attempt to ply you with alcohol or seduce you... you must decide for yourself YOUR limits and draw those lines and stick with them.

If casual sex is no fun to you, then forcing yourself to 'fit in' and be just one of the boys is not going to be a good experience nor leave you with happy memories.

Be yourself is something that we gays seem to have major problems with and we delude ourselves into thinking that fitting in as 'gay' is being ourselves when often we are much more than who we have sex with.


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