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Don'tcha just love funny emails!
#11
[B]The Irish Prostitute[/B][B]

[B][B]An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.
[/B]
[B]'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'[/B]

[B]The g irl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute...'[/B]

[B]'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family'[/B][/B]
[/B]


[B]'OK, Dad, as ye wish...I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country[/B][B]
[B][B]club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the
[/B]
[B]Riviera[/B][B] and...'[/B][/B]
[/B]





[B]'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.[/B]


[B]Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'[/B]





[B]'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant...Come here and give yer old Dad a hug'[/B]
#12
LOL at all of them...

Phil, perfect start to the day - god I've missed the Absolut Hunk :tongue:

IanG - I actually fell off of my bed laughing at that - nice one!

Ky xx
#13
That prostitute ones great! Xyxthumbs... think i'll be forwardin that!

#14
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here towash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his Blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She then takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...


'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'
#15
George and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide thatshe'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so George says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.'
She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?' She says, 'A hundred dollars' He says 'Sh*t. All I've got is thirty'. She says, 'Hold on.' She runs back to George and says,' What can he get for thirty dollars?' George says, 'A hand job'.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says 'okay'. She gets in the car; he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute,then says, 'I'll be right back.' She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, 'George, can you lend this guy 70 bucks?'
#16
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender,'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender says, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'
Pirate says, 'I was in another fight. When I boarded the other ship my hand was cut off in a sword fight. I got fitted with a hook.I'm fine, really.'


Bartender says, 'What about that eye patch?'
Pirate says, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit right in m y eye.'
'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird shit.'?

Pirate says, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

#17
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
I am 76 years old.

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
Did you know him?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
No, but he sure was friendly.

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
He started to rub my thigh.

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
Did you stop him?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
No, I didn't stop him.

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
Why not?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
What happened next?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
He began to touch my breasts.

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
Did you stop him then?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
No, I certainly did not!

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
Why ever not?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

[B]Defence Attorney:[/B]
What happened next?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

[B]Defence Attorney: [/B]
Did he take you?

[B]Little Old Lady:[/B]
Hell, no! He just yelled,[B]'April Fool!'[/B]And that's when I shot him, the little b#st#rd.
#18
A Choice Selection From An Emailed List of Courtroom Quotes:

  • Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
  • Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
  • Lawyer: "What was he weari
-
  • Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  • Witness: "No."
  • Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  • Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  • Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  • Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
-
  • Lawyer: "What happened then?"
  • Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  • Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
  • Witness: "....No."
-
  • Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
  • Witness: "Yes."
  • Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
  • Witness: "None."
  • Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
-
  • Lawyer: "Are you married?"
  • Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
  • Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
  • Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
-
  • Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  • Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

-

Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

---

XD xx
#19
All great fun so much thanks for the GIGGLES Remybussi
#20
Heres some amusing pictures io love found em on me photobucket i collect this crap so u guys might laugh at some

[Image: everyone_hates_you.jpg]

[Image: fiftys_advertising.jpg]

[Image: baby_little_closer_bitch.jpg]

[Image: stannah_stairlift.jpg]

[Image: macdonalds.gif]

[Image: help_these_kids.jpg]

[Image: crime_deterrent.jpg]

[Image: books_for_children_that_never_made_it.jpg]


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