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Feeling suicidal
#1
It's a lot of reasons why but honestly I can't deal with this anymore.

1. I really am getting uglier and uglier. I posted ads on Craigslist and actual dating sites saying I was desperate and I'd reply to anybody. I got absoultely nothing (and yes I put pics up). If I can't even get desperate guys from Craigslist... damn I must really be bad. I've taken every piece of advice to make myself look better, and none of it worked. I hate how I do everything that everyone tells me to and I bend over backwards for everyone, yet I get nothing. Yet the ones born with cute faces and rich parents get everything they want. There's literally not one good thing about me. And no matter how much I try to better myself, it never works. I'm just sick of being so pathetic.

2. My parents keep getting me in the middle of their arguments. And I have to agree with my step-dad no matter what because I live in his house and can't afford even the cheapest room or apartment. North Carolina only offers welfare to pregnant girls under 18 or elderly disabled people, so as a 23 year old able-bodied male, I'm literally seen as garbage. They're driving me crazy. Mom's always binge drinking or on pills, step-dad takes pills too. They get them illegally, I'm almost 100% sure because they bring them home in a plastic baggie.

3. I have zero friends and any effort to make any has failed. Nobody wants to befriend me. I'm autistic, bipolar, as I said ugly, I have a terrible personality (or so I'm told), anxiety, no social skills. Despite trying to be friendly, it gets me nowhere.

4. I have no chance of getting a job that pays enough to support myself. No colleges or tech schools nearby (not that I could afford them or have time to go anyway). I have no interest in any field I could get a job in.

5. I can't afford to get mental help. At all. My dad took me off his insurance because it was raising the cost too much. So I went on my mom's but am afraid of the same thing happening and we barely can afford it as is. I did call any local psychologist offices and such, left voicemails. None of them answered me. I feel so helpless right now. People tell me to get out of the house and working will get my mind off of it, but it doesn't. Half the time I'm at work, I'm having mental hallucinations about killing people and whatnot, and then I have to smile when a customer comes by and pretend to be perfectly fine... and nobody believes my problems.

Like I've been dealing with this bullshit for years, I'm finally done. Nobody wants to help. The people that are paid to help won't even help. I don't know what to do.
#2
http://www.crisistextline.org/textline/?...fgodSKAIPw
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.glbthotline.org/
#3
I'm saddened to hear you feel this way Subdivisions, and that you feel trapped. I remember reading your previous threads too, and obviously I can't say anything about your personality because I don't know you, but you certainly aren't a bad looking guy, far from it. There is one thing that stands out from your post as to why you may not have had responses on Craigslist and the like. The fact that you said "I am desperate and will reply to anyone". I suspect that is why no-one has responded, not your pictures at all, that isn't giving a good impression to anyone and is selling yourself far short Bighug

NativeSon has posted some good links that would be worth checking out. Keep phoning the psychologist offices. I do really hope you can work through this x
#4
Hello my fellow autistic. Have you tried getting in touch with local Autistic charities they can provide alot of support.
#5
subdivisions Wrote:It's a lot of reasons why but honestly I can't deal with this anymore.

1. I really am getting uglier and uglier. I posted ads on Craigslist and actual dating sites saying I was desperate and I'd reply to anybody. I got absoultely nothing (and yes I put pics up). If I can't even get desperate guys from Craigslist... damn I must really be bad. I've taken every piece of advice to make myself look better, and none of it worked. I hate how I do everything that everyone tells me to and I bend over backwards for everyone, yet I get nothing. Yet the ones born with cute faces and rich parents get everything they want. There's literally not one good thing about me. And no matter how much I try to better myself, it never works. I'm just sick of being so pathetic.

2. My parents keep getting me in the middle of their arguments. And I have to agree with my step-dad no matter what because I live in his house and can't afford even the cheapest room or apartment. North Carolina only offers welfare to pregnant girls under 18 or elderly disabled people, so as a 23 year old able-bodied male, I'm literally seen as garbage. They're driving me crazy. Mom's always binge drinking or on pills, step-dad takes pills too. They get them illegally, I'm almost 100% sure because they bring them home in a plastic baggie.

3. I have zero friends and any effort to make any has failed. Nobody wants to befriend me. I'm autistic, bipolar, as I said ugly, I have a terrible personality (or so I'm told), anxiety, no social skills. Despite trying to be friendly, it gets me nowhere.

4. I have no chance of getting a job that pays enough to support myself. No colleges or tech schools nearby (not that I could afford them or have time to go anyway). I have no interest in any field I could get a job in.

5. I can't afford to get mental help. At all. My dad took me off his insurance because it was raising the cost too much. So I went on my mom's but am afraid of the same thing happening and we barely can afford it as is. I did call any local psychologist offices and such, left voicemails. None of them answered me. I feel so helpless right now. People tell me to get out of the house and working will get my mind off of it, but it doesn't. Half the time I'm at work, I'm having mental hallucinations about killing people and whatnot, and then I have to smile when a customer comes by and pretend to be perfectly fine... and nobody believes my problems.

Like I've been dealing with this bullshit for years, I'm finally done. Nobody wants to help. The people that are paid to help won't even help. I don't know what to do.

This may or may not help, but how much money do you make? Are you in the US? You should be able to get on Apple Care (I believe) for free if you make under a certain amount of money, which should pay for therapy.
#6
Well, you are wrong that nobody wants to help, you have gotten tons of replies on your threads when you ask for help.

Lack of success has nothing to do with looks, just look at all the physically ugly people who have partners. You ain't ugly, you really need to build up your self confidence about your image.

You don't have to agree with your father, just stay out of it. Tell him, that's your beef not mine.

The rest seems to be income related. There are a ton of options that YOU have to find. Nobody is going to do it for you.

http://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/supplementa...ogram-snap
http://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/imm...index.html
https://www.ssa.gov/disabilityssi/
http://www.benefits.gov/benefits/browse-...e/state/NC

I believe your problems. I've suffered from clinical depression for longer then you've been around. Yes, the voices in your head can sound compelling, but they aren't all you. Not the real you. Heck, I wanted to drive someone off the road this morning, no reason, just wanted to smack my car into them. I don't listen to those voices.

You aren't alone in the world.
Those who have HATE in their heart are HATEFUL PEOPLE
#7
You aren't ugly. You are, however, suffering from some serious self esteem issues that seem to be compounded by familial situations.
The absolute best thing you could do is to leave North Carolina, imo. When I was your age, I had been out of my parents house for 5 years.
Find somebody like me who is disabled and needs help with house/yard work, and work out a deal with them in exchange for room and board. Hell, being a house-boy is virtually a gay tradition, or at least it used to be...
~Beaux
Life is beautiful, and wonderful, and strange. Cool
#8
I can only agree with what the other guys have said - you really need to get the help you deserve buddy - TigerLover makes a great point about Autistic charity's , im sure something along those lines will be available within a decent distance of your location , you really need someone to chat to right now and they can help
"when u wake up with me ....I'll be your glass of water"
#9
[MENTION=21979]subdivisions[/MENTION] Not sure but I read somewhere you're in North Carolina...if that's the case then I would suggest contacting the health department and find out if there's a community service group in your area...I live in the western part of the state and there a group called Appalachian Community Services and is state funded so if you don't have insurance or doesn't cover it usually costs something like $5 per session which isn't bad...and people there might be able to help.

Couple things about self-image. I think most guys are concerned about what they look like, I have told myself that I'm ugly in the past and I hear it out of many people. So stop kicking yourself about your looks....and craigs list? I would never post there for any reason...attracting more trouble. If a relationship is what you want well those come few and far between and same with just hookups but guys are always picky and judgemental about things that really don't matter. It is very difficult to let that sink in when I and other people will say that you're not ugly and craig's list is bad way to go about looking for something. It all does seem worse when you have money troubles on top of feeling insecure about your looks and not being able to depend on friends, family or find dates. You're 23...you have a lot to look forward to and half the battle is simply your attitude...What I mean by that is basically this, if you tell yourself you're going to fail you most certainly will....have some faith in yourself.
#10
Beaux Wrote:When I was your age, I had been out of my parents house for 5 years.
Find somebody like me who is disabled and needs help with house/yard work, and work out a deal with them in exchange for room and board. Hell, being a house-boy is virtually a gay tradition, or at least it used to be...
~Beaux
Good for you. But I don't need judgemental faggots telling me how pathetic I am for still living at home because I don't want to be homeless. In fact, that's the last thing I needed and I think I'm gonna actually go self-harm now. Thanks.

Also I can't stand disabled people.


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