Grandad

[faceslikemine]

My grandfather is ill. He wants me to come down to Plymouth with my mum to see him, next week. He has been in quite bad shape for a number of years - in fact, he had a triple coronary bypass after when he had a MI before I was born. The doctors said if he eat and lived healthily, he could last another ten years maybe? He still smokes like a chimney and drinks like a fish . But, yeah, we knew he wouldn't last forever, and I am one of the lucky few out of the people I know who still has all grandparents still living. Considering the history of diabetes and premature death from cardiovascular complications running in BOTH sides of my family, I think that's a bloody miracle! But it looks like his luck is running out.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I have enough running through my mind right now without travelling across the country to watch his health deteriorate, and then fly back a couple of days later to begin next week, wherein I have three assessments in the week, and a further 2 on the following week. I have to revise all my cardiovascular knowledge, and prepare for my re-sit on extemporaneous preparations, and refresh my knowledge of microbial analysis and sterile techniques. I have a presentation to do next week and I am terrible at public speaking, so am quite stressed about it.

Also there are my personal demons. I promised myself the next time I went to Plymouth I would go and see my sister and try to re-establish contact with her and my 2 neices (one of which I have never met). We have to get through the minefield of the disagreement between my family and her husband. I sent her a photo MMS of myself a few days ago, as she hasn't seen me since I was 16 or 17. That was the first correspondence I've had with her in a good few months. She didn't reply. She used to be like a second mother to me when my actual mum was ill/absent. It is really hard to take that she now wants nothing to do with me. She has shut out my mum, my grandparents and I am beginning to think I am included in that too. I want to convince her to see grandad before he dies so she doesn't have a permanent regret on her conscience in later life, when she finally comes to her senses.

All of these things, taken individually seem quite manageable, but they are all coming at once and I can't delay any of them. I can hardly tell my grandfather that his dying has come as a bit of an inconvenience to me "but come back next month and I could probably fit you in on the second tuesday". This is the first time he has actually requested to see me, so I think he knows he hasn't got much time left. He has always been the typical "cold, emotionless man" that Bowyn was talking about in my other thread, but it seems that barrier is dissolving in fear.

I am supposed to leave tomorrow, if I do go, but it is my choice. I am on the fence here. I don't want to see him die, but if I don't I think I will regret it more. Does anyone know how I could perhaps approach my sister? Her most likely reaction would be to slam the door in my face if I went to see her in person, and she never answers her phone if she knows it's one of us calling.

[Nick9]

Hi faces (uh, is this shortening okay?)

in one word: GO.

in a few: Go and don't, even for a second, think about not going.

Don't make it hard on yourself again, though. Baby steps, okay? The visit will be hard enough, I suppose. Trying to unite your family doesn't seem like a good idea, giving the circumstances.

You don't need to do everything in one day. You will be under stress and it won't make your effort easier and won't give you more hopes and chances for a success.

Go visit your granddad, take your school reading with you to study and that's enough. For now.
In a month, or two, or six, try again to contact your sister. You can perhaps ask your granddad, what his advice would be.

[fenris]

I think you should go, too. From far away it seems me much more worth to see your granddad as to see your sister... he wants to see you :-)

[pellaz]

see if you can postpone some of your presentations, reports and testing to a later date, tell them you have a family emergency and you would like to take 3 days off. Take your portable and so some stuff to take your mind off things while you are there.

Keep it simple. While you are there do as much as you can but expect to not see everyone you need or say everything that needs be said.

Talk you your grandfather's care taker, or himself to write a letter or email your sister explaining your wishes to over come some bad. I feel the whole story is not told, all good tho. Maybe your sister has enough closure and at this time dosnt need to communicate. You have to respect her wishes and be there for her at a later time. tell her you need her.

best of luck

[faceslikemine]

Thank you

I am going down tomorrow night. I will not be able to postpone as doing so will likely result in having to sit my tests in may or August, which I would rather avoid. I will come back on Monday ready for my exam on tuesday. I will maybe or maybe not go to see my sister. I think part of her resents that we don't go to see her, even though she says she doesn't want to see us.

Thanks everyone,

J.

[Nick9]

I was looking for a fingers-crossed smiley and this is what I've got :biggrin: I hope it makes you smile

[faceslikemine]

Okay, here's an update. My mum has now decided she will go down alone for now. I am to go down in a few weeks, when I get my study leave for the may exams.

I am a little relieved that I don't have to go down right now. Still, he really isn't in good shape now. I am not sure how long he has left. I hope he hangs in there a bit longer. Thank you for all your support

[Nick9]

I lived abroad for several years. No internet (am I really that ancient? :biggrin, expensive phone calls, so we wrote letters. I didn't understand the language, have almost no friends there, no tv, I was constantly writing letters.
One day I took two papers and by accident both of them addressed to my grandparents. I finished just one and set the other aside to use it next week for my next letter.

My granny died several days later. It's been so many years, but I can't forget this one little episode. It always reminds me that if there is something that I can do now, I shouldn't put it off.

I hope you will be more lucky.

[matty7]

tackle one problem at a time i think - see ur grandad - reason been is when hes gone then u loose the chance to rectify it so basically now or never - it must be very scary for him at the moment and all most people want at this point is family around them for comfort and support (friend working at elderly care home as mentioned this many times), as for your assesment then speak to the course councelor about ur current situation, maybe something can be done regarding time scales for your course assesment !! worth a try, or just confirm u can re- take later if grades suffer - your sisters is something to put on hold - she has made her decision for whatever reason and you can come back to solving that one later - sure she would regret not seeing her grandad but youve already tried and she's not responded mate - good luck with all this

[dfiant]

To can reschedule exams and study, you can't reschedule your family.... Family is the priority and comes first, no matter how daunting it feels right now. Go and be with your grandfather, try to communicate with your sister but keep in mind she is an adult and the choices that she makes are the choices that she makes, and the consequences of those choices are hers to bear alone.

A tough time for you, but it is what it is, and you have to put your family first.

All the best xxx