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Having trouble coming out, can't say it out loud!
#1
I've recently accepted to myself that I'm gay. The only person that I've told is my mom and even she just asked and I nodded, I couldn't even say it out loud. I'm also in a relationship with a girl I've been with for six years now and have no clue at all what to say to her. I want to be able to just come out publicly and really let out the more feminine gay man inside me. I've been reading other people's stories online but I was curious if anybody had any specific help or advice. Anything would be greatly appreciated!
#2
sounds like you have some personal work to do to be comfortable with it yourself. I would be more confidant yourself before acting any further.

You would not be doing that girl any favor by hanging with her if you came out as gay. You can talk to her about being just friends, what are you getting now out of this relationship anyways. are you BI?

six years is a long tome to be in a relationship with the girl, why are you not married. Would you meet any Common Law Marriage guide lines?, that is if there is a period of time your together and you become legally married by default. Do you guys have any common property, if so you need to move to take care of this.

I am reading into your post but your aware; sexual preference and gender identity are separate issues and this is getting out of what i would be familiar with.
#3
LadyJustice Wrote:I've recently accepted to myself that I'm gay. The only person that I've told is my mom and even she just asked and I nodded, I couldn't even say it out loud. I'm also in a relationship with a girl I've been with for six years now and have no clue at all what to say to her. I want to be able to just come out publicly and really let out the more feminine gay man inside me. I've been reading other people's stories online but I was curious if anybody had any specific help or advice. Anything would be greatly appreciated!

I myself have had lots of girlfriends because that was what I thought I was sopose to do. The longest being four years in highschool then only up to 3 month relationships after that. Two years ago I stopped doing that after I knew for sure I was gay and there was no way to change that. It just wasnt fair to the girls I was seeing just to make everyone think I was straight. My mom just thinks I havn't found the "right one" yet. Good luck and keep your chin up and you will get through it.
#4
Take your time, I've known that I liked boys for well over ten years, it was until just maybe in the past year or two that I finally accepting the possibility that I'm gay, and not just bi (feel like that was kind of my self-denial for the longest time). I don't know how I'd handle the girlfriend situation, but if you can come out to your parents through more direct manners then maybe you'll have the opportunity to talk about it with them and start to be able to use the phrase, I prefer men, which can lead to the phrase that I'm gay, a fag, homo, whatever word you like best (or maybe in the end all of those words). Just don't rush anything and start getting to know yourself better. This forum is a great way to do just that. So welcome to the community, I hope you enjoy your experiences here and in life.
#5
DerJack Wrote:Take your time, I've known that I liked boys for well over ten years, it was until just maybe in the past year or two that I finally accepting the possibility that I'm gay, and not just bi (feel like that was kind of my self-denial for the longest time). I don't know how I'd handle the girlfriend situation, but if you can come out to your parents through more direct manners then maybe you'll have the opportunity to talk about it with them and start to be able to use the phrase, I prefer men, which can lead to the phrase that I'm gay, a fag, homo, whatever word you like best (or maybe in the end all of those words). Just don't rush anything and start getting to know yourself better. This forum is a great way to do just that. So welcome to the community, I hope you enjoy your experiences here and in life.

Well said! Cool
#6
LadyJustice Wrote:I've recently accepted to myself that I'm gay. The only person that I've told is my mom and even she just asked and I nodded, I couldn't even say it out loud. I'm also in a relationship with a girl I've been with for six years now and have no clue at all what to say to her. I want to be able to just come out publicly and really let out the more feminine gay man inside me. I've been reading other people's stories online but I was curious if anybody had any specific help or advice. Anything would be greatly appreciated!
Say it to yourself! Loud and often. Get used to hearing it so you can get used to saying it to others.
#7
It is hard to stop lying and start living honestly.

You have a girl-friend of 6 years - yet your gay, seems to me you have been working real hard at living a lie. That web of deception is really tangled and there is no easy way to undo 6 years of web tangling.

And its not just that you lied about your sexual preference - what about all of the attending little lies to keep the main lie above water? Where to start fixing all of that?

I think the problem here is you understand that there is a whole heap of lies that have to be dealt with and you are overwhelmed by the multitude. you also understand the enormity of breaking down all of those barriers you have worked for years to build, the secrets upon secrets you put in place to 'hide' yourself.

On top of this, telling your GF will devastate her. You know that. Unless you were born completely without empathy (doubtful).

The first person you need to come out to - openly - and verbally - is yourself.

Go find a mirror, look the man in the mirror in the eye and tell him - verbally 'I'm gay.'

Measure his response - he may not say anything, but the look in his eye will tell you a lot.

Next person on this list is the GF.

I would strongly advise you to write a letter (Pen and paper not a text message) addressed to her. 1-2 pages only detailing the reasons why you know you are gay, coupled with 'It really is me, not you.' ending with 'I am gay'.

Let her read that while you are out of the room - then sit down and discuss. This allows her some time to process the whole thing.

Easy - no, hardly ever is, however you cannot continue leading this woman down a rosy path of false hopes and lies. It is cruel, it is unloving to lead her to believe that she has something that really isn't there. She deserves the chance to find a man who loves her 100% as a straight man, one that will marry her, have kids and do all of the things that straight people do.

In the same line, you deserve the right to find yourself a gay man to love, maybe marry, and do what gay men do.
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[SIZE=4]I told you I had the body of a 25 year old....

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#8
I can advice that you should only do what is OK for you.... don´t rush. It need time... and if you tell it to many people at the same time you have to much people who came and ask you or whatever...

A special advice.. because of my experiences for people in their coming out ...don´t tell it everyone, only persons who are important for you. No straight guy tell everyone that he is straight... we should do the same.
From experiences with a friend I know that it is important to say "no" when people want you only for sex.. my friend here is a very nice guy and his bf "lent" him on many of his own friends to have sex with them and it stopped only because I saw red and had my fist on his collar....
Proud to be Gay & Pagan
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#9
I concur with what Fenris said.

You shouldn't pressure and push yourself to come out. Only come out when you are fully ready to come out. If you are in doubt, take a deep breath and relax. Take your time.
#10
Hi and welcome to GS. I agree with fenris and jay, please take your time and only do what is comfortable for YOU. Only you know where you are emotionally and what you can handle.

One thing that always upsets me is gay people telling other gay people to "come out and be an honest man!" I read something like that early on in my journey on this site and I wanted to reach across the internet and grab the person by the throat and say "no, I'm trying to survive my fucking life." No one knows the unique circumstances in which you are living. YOU have to assess that. To pile on the freaking GUILT on someone is uncalled for. I don't know what your unique circumstances are, but I am sure you have your reasons for waiting until now and I respect that.

I have been there in not being able to verbalize the word gay, but what helped me was spending time here and talking with some older, proud gay men who are always respectful of my age. The thing that they made me most aware of was that no matter what I was ME and I had value. I saw men living REAL, normal lives. And, they are happy and confident. It was only then that I understood what being proud meant, and felt comfortable applying the term gay to myself with pride. It helped so much that I fit somewhere.

The only thing I will tear into you for is if you are have been randomly hooking up with men and jeopardizing your girlfriend's LIFE. Just break it off with her before you meet up with anyone. It's more than just AIDS, there's hep and herpes that are lifetime gifts and certain strains of genital warts will increase her chances of cervical cancer. Please don't treat her life carelessly.

I had a difficult time weighing whose business my orientation was. For me, it was only my immediate family. Hints as far as my position on social issues helped. I bumped up my plans for coming out because certain things in my life changed and I knew it was time. But, it was an emotional rollercoaster after.

I did not date girls so I cannot help you with that issue but is it necessary for her to know you are gay? Or has the relationship come to just a natural end? Is she your best friend/confidant who you need to discuss this with? Whatever you do, just do it with kindness and respect.

You say your mother knows, but you don't say how she handled it. As someone told me and I found to be true, you do have to give them time. Even if they always suspected, that verbalizing still takes its toll on dreams and hopes.

Good luck.

eta: I just read your post in another thread about telling your mom. I'm glad it went well. I'm also sorry for the loss of your father. Having read that, you have been hit with a lot on an emotional level so I hope you give yourself some time.
[COLOR="DarkSlateBlue"]Deep wells must be dug
If you want clear water
Rose-red oh Rose-red
deep waters don’t run still

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Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next. ~ Jonas Salk

You don't shine by putting out someone else's light.


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