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I’m Gay and Unnerved
#1
I've never had any intimate contact with a human being until a few days ago when I brought a guy home from the bar. The pretense was to share wine and play video games, but we made out. I've never been comfortable with myself because I feel like a loser for being attracted to guys, I sicken myself. Anyways he grabbed my crotch and I flipped out, probably because of a lot of inner turmoil, I grabbed him by the throat and slammed him against the wall, let him go and shouted him out of my house. I went into the bathroom and threw up.

I think it's just best if I stick to having friends and forget about sex. I sound depressed, I'm not. I'm just very touchy and awkward about this - I sound like a freaking drama queen.
#2
Orangecola Wrote:I've never had any intimate contact with a human being until a few days ago when I brought a guy home from the bar. The pretense was to share wine and play video games, but we made out. I've never been comfortable with myself because I feel like a loser for being attracted to guys, I sicken myself. Anyways he grabbed my crotch and I flipped out, probably because of a lot of inner turmoil, I grabbed him by the throat and slammed him against the wall, let him go and shouted him out of my house. I went into the bathroom and threw up.

I think it's just best if I stick to having friends and forget about sex, I think it's too late for me. I sound depressed, I'm not. I'm just very touchy and awkward about this - I sound like a freaking drama queen this was pointless

Hate to break it to you but... Yes you're depressed. That's also where your obvious anger comes from. You might not think people notice, but they do. And the fact that you typed it out somewhere? Either outreach or trolling. Not sure. But the latter points to anger.

You'll eventually get to a point where you don't give a shit about opinion anymore (it never mattered anyways). But chances are your behavior is going to get a whole lot worse before you get there or resolve any issues.

Want my opinion? Man the fuck up and drag your ass down to therapy like normal people (seems ironic right? not really). You might think "WTF I don't need therapy."
Or at least come to terms with who you are. If you want to fuck men, then fuck them. If you'd prefer to fuck women then go fuck women (Do it with consent & protection).

Signs of depression or anger (which I'm sure many fit you):

Constant need to be in control (basically obsessing over power or maybe even narcissism)
Constant need to be right/Obsessively needing to be right
Constant avoidance of people, groups, or interaction with casual friends or coworkers
Super responsibility or irresponsibility
You either abstain (IE what you did, refuse to have sex) or become hypersexual (I mean like masterbating 12 times in a day or having sex with 4-5 different people in a day or three).
Partake in an addiction. This could be: Too much time playing video games, too much time browsing the internet, porn, shoplifting, a sexual addiction, drugs, alcohol, eating, ect. you get the point. It's anything that disables you from participating in a balanced lifestyle. One where you are happy mentally, physically, and spiritually (everyone has some version of this stuf. I don't believe in god. What I mean by spirituality is being in tune with your true self and emotions, and not being afraid of showing either).

Anger most likely came from something in the past. Usually a trauma or just shitty childhood. Unless you're later in life. Tongue You know? One of those old people. Then it could be past relationships or regrets.

Having any regrets is a sign of unsound mental health. It means you're stuck on whatever that might be, and you're mad about it. Maybe even depressed. "If only X was different..."
"If only I'd have X'ed"

Just means you need to move on. Let stuff go. Why does it matter what the guy you shoved into a wall was thinking? (who could have charged you with assault, you're lucky there. I'd have you slammed into jail so fast you wouldn't have known what the fuck was happening) Why do you care what ANYONE thinks? Actually bringing yourself to answer that question, then finally realizing the answer, will make you feel pretty dumb. I know I did lol. Hint: Try "Why the fuck do I care they care?" Because they don't care that you care that they care that you care.
#3
/poke where did you go? Either way If you have questions, ask.
#4
The only controlling behavior and narcissism I detect here trickles off your ego-petting post, however I’m sure you enjoy reading it because to you it probably makes sense. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to computer that I have a problem, but it does take a troll to grandiose-up a help forum.
#5
fine then, enjoy your misery and anger. It's your choice. I was just assuming others would read this with the same/similar problem, considering you're not alone. Just know that.
#6
I think you are just having a hard time in life. You are in the pre state of accepting yourself. After a while, you will learn how to accept that you are guy and it 's totally ok, you are not sick. And you will get over it.
#7
That is quite a story. I don't know... this may be a trolling. I'm kinda sensing it. However... if this is genuine, you're going through a tough period in your life. Perhaps you may not be gay and you may actually be going through a phase. If this has been going on for a long time, then you're not going through one. It takes time to accept who you are and you may be on your way on a dignified road. This Fisk guy sounds like a troll as well, but whatever! Welcome to the forum you two.
#8
While Fisk's approach is a bit overbearing, and the psychoanalysis a little out of line.

Therapy, just to talk about your issues probably isn't the worst idea in the world, especially when you have such a violent reaction.

Although, I'm feeling wary that this may be a troll and a sock-puppet, I'll give orange the benefit of the doubt.
When a subject is highly controversial — and any question about sex is that — one cannot hope to tell the truth. One can only show how one came to hold whatever opinion one does hold. One can only give one's audience the chance of drawing their own conclusions as they observe the limitations, the prejudices, the idiosyncrasies of the speaker.
- Virginia Woolf
#9
Orangecola,

You identify yourself as gay in your post yet you have such a reaction when it came to acting on that - well that does happen with some people.

I could sit here and try to analyse you based on the couple of paragraphs you have written, but that would not be of any real help to you. Instead I would urge you to find a source of help i.e. a therapist. This way you can explore the reasons behind your mixed feelings and maybe find a way to deal with them that is comfortable for you.
#10
Unless he touches you with your permission he has overstepped the mark. I'm never quite sure what "making out" means, but if it means you were kissing it is absolutely normal to feel one's way on to further intimacies. Pretty much all men behave like this whatever their orientation. One person may have boundaries beyond which they don't want the other to go. That is also quite normal. It is less normal to grab the other person by the throat and slam them against a wall. :eek:

If you can't cope with intimacy in a more civilised way it may be a good idea to seek out some help in the form of counselling.


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