I don't know how to start this exactly. I guess I should say that I don't want to live anymore. I haven't wanted to for a long time now, and you could hardy call what I am doing actually living. I have had frequent thoughts of suicide, a minimum of once a week and often much more, for the last fifteen years of my life. I have been on medication and seen therapists and psychiatrists for most of that time. Nothing seems to help really. Perhaps for a short time, a couple of months or so. the medication will work or a new therapist will give me hope, but it never lasts very long and it still doesn't stop me from wanting to kill myself. It just lessens the effect of the depression.
With the depression I cannot manage to hold down a job. I go into each situation saying this time it will be better, I'll try harder, I wont think the thoughts that inevitably come into my head and then it just slowly falls apart . . . I fall apart.
So, I am unemployed which only serves to make me feel useless. I eat because I am depressed so I am fat which makes me depressed which makes me want to eat. I'll lose weight for a while, but then my depression will take over again. I avoid leaving my house now because I am afraid of what people will think of me and how they will treat me even though I am not morbidly obese or disgusting.
I am just ready. I am tired of this world and just wont piece and to be done being constantly ill. I attempted suicide several years ago and only ended up in the hospital. What has kept me from trying again is the memory of my mother's voice screaming into the phone and leaving desperate messages on my cellphone after she found my suicide note. But that does not seem to matter much anymore. I know she can lean on my father and siblings and they will all be alright.
Before I tried to kill myself with poison, which isn't very reliable if you don't know medicine or chemistry. I have been thinking about shooting myself this time or hanging myself, and i have what I need for either. All I know is that I don't want to find myself in one of those hospitals ever again, and I cannot continue with the way things are. I have tried everything I know, and I have tried time and time again to pick myself up and stay up. It seems that I am just sinking farther.
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i know how you feel i feel like that but i keep thinking about my first attempt i just wont let them win the them is every one that hates us and would feel good that another of us is gone. and i am just
stubborn enough to fight against them remember if you want to only you can change thingsi relize its tough tolose weight i have been morbidly obease all my life but i just lost 25 lbs in two months and i have never been able to do that before except when i had a tumor i know that there is nothing i can say that would work as a magic pill but only this if you dont try you wont win now i have ben trying a new med for me i have never tryed any beforebut the med is only a small part but what do you think would make you in not happy at least give you a reason tolive i had a reason but he recently passed so i am trying to find something else i am playing with many diffrent things i fnd that the more time i have the more depressed i seem to be so what ever try to male a list of things you need to happen then try to make them happen remember its your life so you may have to be the one to fix it and that will help make it better
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Anon,
I can only give advice from the sight of a friend.
What was the cause of your depression? I think the only way you can ease your depression is by searching for the cause, mend it, forgive it and then let it go. I know it's easier to be said than to be done but in order to move on with life, you have to let go and overcome what was hurting you.
What I can tell you by my experience is that the more you drown yourself in despair, the deeper you will drown. You have to gather all your strength to push yourself back to the surface.
There was this old quote that goes like this:
Quote:Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.
Hopes and happiness are all around looking for you. Don't run away from them.
Don't give up my friend. We are all here for you.
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Jay - How are you buddy?!?!?!
Anonymous - have you seen the transformation Jay went through? The man is an inspiration and I hope he will share with you his full story.
Short story version: Believe it or not he was morbidly obese - he made changes in his life - major changes, and took charge of more than one thing in his life.
Half the battle with depression is finding ways to work 'with' it instead of against it.
If you are fat then this is something you CAN control.
No you do not have to make sudden massive changes in diet and exercise in order to affect change. Minor changes such as eating a few better foods over bad foods. Instead of reaching for a bag of chips/crisps reach for a few carrots or a plum or an apple. You do not have to give up all the chips/crisps - give up one time a day to start.
Minor changes - baby steps.
Adding exercises to your daily routine shouldn't be too big a problem. Set a simple goal of doing 5 push ups every morning after you get up, go to toilet - just 5 push-ups. No big deal.
Minor modifications will help you to make major changes and this will win back some control over depression.
Slowly add more - say next week aim for 6 push-ups, aim for replacing one carb at a meal with a veg or fruit.
Third week, while you are on the floor after your 6 push ups in the morning, roll over and aim for 3-5 sit-ups.
Slowly add more, slowly take back your life on minor thing at a time.
Eventually you will have to seek professional help - however I figure you will do that when you are ready since I have no doubt you know that that is what is needed.
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well done for opening up here on gayspeak firstly, writing it down here is basically a cry for help, i'm sure you would rather get help then end it all or you wouldnt have come on to post what your going through, you say youve been on medication and been in therapy but its obviously not working...keep goin back to the docs till he gets you the correct treatment for you..tell him what your thoughts have been like and see if he takes it to the next level to get you well again,
also follow what other posters say like the guys above... exersise is good and can be done indoors if your not up to leaving the house just yet, the power of positive thinking cannot be understated -like Jay says ... you need to try to push yourself back to the suface - easy for me to say i know but dont give up on yourself - gd luck
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First talking about it is a good first step. Medication will not change who you are! You are who you are and no one can change that. You need to seek out someone who is Gay friendly or gay thyemselves who can provide you theropy. A lot of pshyciotrists and others they just want to medicate everything and NOT get to the root of the problem. I feel maybe you are having a problem accepting yourself and have likely experienced some bullying throughout your life. Seek a good professional who will understand your problems. Also medications can manifest the thoughts of suiside. If you have a therapist who hates Gay people then you have a problem right from the start. That in itself is hard to detect. Please seek out the RIGHT person who can help. Find a BF or someone who you can talk to and help you get through this. I have experienced many hardships since coming out. We can ALL get through this by being strong!!!
I wish you the best of luck at getting your problems resolved. I am sure you will find someone compassionet to talk to!
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hello,
Dont ever give up in yourself... Depression is a horrible thing and i made a post a little while ago on depression and how it affects each and every person at some point within our lives. Taking control of the situation isnt easy either whether your on or off medication.. I think the best way to be is follow a few recommended steps.... Talk to a random person on a 121 basis and just off load some things as it eases up your mind.. Secondly why not write down things that are on your mind and afterwards either file the paper or burn it. If filing only open it up and read once you have over come the depression and can use it to reflect back on where you were and where you are at the current time in life..
If you want to talk to someoen random feel free to inbox me 
Kindest regards and hugz]
zeon x
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dont let the depression win you can beat this i know you can cause the will to live is stronger than the will to die i promice you that i have had 2 friends that have commited suicide in the last 6 years and i know that it is harder on your freinds and family than you think they are there for you no matter what and they love you very much and the other problem with suicide is the mental damage to others because of it i am still suffering from an accident i had 6 years ago when i was driving truck i was on a run through the mountains in BC on a strech of highway called rogers pass i had a guy swervre in front of me and i ended up in a head on collision and he went over the embankment needless to say im the only one who survived the accidend i some times still see his face in my dreams and i still blame myself for it even tho he wanted to end his life i have to live with the remorse that it was me who took it i was never charged with anything but the giult will always haunt me so just remember that ppl love you and are here for you to help you so please talk to someone anyone so you dont have to put someone through that
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Please don't commit suicide.
I'm sure you have family and friends who love and support you.
You even have strangers, here, that support you.
I'm here, typing to you, because I want to support you in continuing to live your life.
One thing you need to realize is that, EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE.
EVERYONE has a purpose here. You will have BILLIONS of purposes to live.
One purpose you have is to be loved by your friends/family.
You being alive keeps your close ones in a state of well-being and pride.
YOU ARE LOVED. If it's not by your family/friends, it's by random strangers like us!!
Ending your own life is never a good choice.
It's a selfish act.
You have to think about other people in your life who truly care about you.
How do you think they'd feel if you just, gave up...?
Even us strangers on here value your life.
People aren't joking when they say "It gets better".
Life DOES get better. You may not think of it now...but you are a living, breathing being.
That's all you need to be worth something. You are sharing this air with everyone else. You are entitled to it.
Trust me. All you need are a good group of friends, or a friend, or a close family member...and TALK. Share your feelings. Be personal.
I understand you may feel uncomfortable going out into the world, thinking that people may judge you by the way you look.
But you know, who CARES what those types of people think about you. All you can do is be true to yourself and live how you want to.
Don't think about what other's negatively think of you.
I'm going to quote a very dear role model of mine, whom has inspired me to live my life the way it is now:
The Great Drag Queen Rupaul once said: "What others think of me, is none of my business."
And it's TRUE. What other people think of you is THEIR problem, not yours.
You just gotta be strong. Ignore the haters. Life isn't always easy.
I'm sure there are millions of other people in your exact same shoes or worse. And I think we've all seen people who were/are in the deep, depths of depression come out strong.
People like Oprah, Tyra Banks, Ellen Degeneres....They've all had it bad at certain points in their lives.
Look where they are now? Successful, living-breathing activists. Serving an even greater purpose in their lives. They took the bad, turned it around and made it positive.
I also live by the saying: "Sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt me".
Trust, dude. Trust !!
Also, I totally feel ya when you say you are a little more down that you are unemployed. I've totally been there.
But you know, all you need are a good group of friends or that one individual who can help you out more. I got my last job because one of my good friends volunteered to drive me to random places. I filled out a couple apps, talked to some managers, then out of the 10 places I applied at, I got 3 calls.
Even though it was 3/10 called, that's HELLA good!! I had 3 open doors to move forward in my life!!
But you know...I don't know what else more I can say though. I just really want you to know that your life is extremely valuable.
You are not worthless.
You are not a "waste".
You are not "not good enough".
You are human. You are capable of being strong-minded. Will-full. Courageous. Loved. Anything you want to be if you put your mind to it!!
Please don't give up. You can do this!! You can live your life happily if you just try harder. Again, life isn't always easy. It takes a lot of work sometimes. You just gotta put in the time and DO IT. :]
Get some good friends. Talk with your family. Live life to the fullest!!
We members here are willing to try and reach out to ya, bud. I really hope you take our words seriously and be strong. YOU CAN DO IT.
I have faith in you, my friend.
-Logann
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MEN THISIS ALSO MY STORY REALLY! I called my mother to saygood bye, i've already taken the pills and iwas falling "asleep" but then she startet crying with so muchworry and screaming "please don't do this to me,ilove you myson,please callanambulance,please!" then irealized as much asi'm anindividual i'm alsopart of something bigger... family, friends, even peoplethet like me. Menthere ismanything to livefor,justfind them!
Go to agood therapist and try some good antidepressives. Mustimportant look for thinksthatmake you happy, find an easywork to start with someplace with nobig preassure.
Do you like art or coocking? you can sell thinks or something (:
c'on if you want to chat i'm allears! (: xoxo
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